tar
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Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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Dick Lexic
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I once knew a dental nurse who loved giving blow jobs and smoking weed.
She was known as oral high Jean
She was known as oral high Jean
M
malaguti
he was granted bail as there was no chance he was gonna do a runner
Pat494
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When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the
empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things---God, your family, your children, your health, your
friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost
and only they remained , your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand
into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles
or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time
and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things
that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Spendtime with your parents. Visit with
grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse
out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad! you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
hours in a day are not enough, remember the mayonnaise jar and the 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in
front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very
large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf
balls.
He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into
the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open
areas between the golf balls.
He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the
jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."
The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table
and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the
empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to
recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the
important things---God, your family, your children, your health, your
friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost
and only they remained , your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car.
The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand
into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles
or the golf balls.
The same goes for life. If you spend all your time
and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things
that are important to you.
"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness.
Play with your children. Spendtime with your parents. Visit with
grandparents. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse
out to dinner. Play another 18.
There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee
represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad! you asked.
It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may
seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
Atilla
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Are these clips funny ?
Harlem Shake Compilation! (BEST VIDEOS) - YouTube
My kids think they are hillarious
Harlem Shake Compilation! (BEST VIDEOS) - YouTube
My kids think they are hillarious
Atilla
Legendary member
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OMG
LEGO Avengers Harlem Shake - YouTube
Actually this is marginally better than the humanoid clips.
LEGO Avengers Harlem Shake - YouTube
Actually this is marginally better than the humanoid clips.
15 min tlb
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There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We have all heard of people having Guts or having Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome.
In an effort to keep you informed here are the definitions:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: ‘Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?’
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: ‘You’re next, Chubby.’
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking, there is No difference in the outcome.
Atilla
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justtrader
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15 min tlb
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Call-girls
You will love this one.
Whoever thinks of such jokes must be very clever.
David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said:
I‘m the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied:
"£200".
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "£100".
He then asked the redhead...
Her reply was:
"Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,
my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the
times we are living in, & keep it rising like the price of petrol,
keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you
have the pensioners; then you can have it for free.
You will love this one.
Whoever thinks of such jokes must be very clever.
David Cameron was looking for a call girl.
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said:
I‘m the Prime Minister of The United Kingdom. Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied:
"£200".
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was "£100".
He then asked the redhead...
Her reply was:
"Mr Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes,
my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as the
times we are living in, & keep it rising like the price of petrol,
keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you
have the pensioners; then you can have it for free.
barjon
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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of ten Iraqi troops.She shot six of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed three more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
''Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this story?”
"Don't mess with your mother when she's been drinking."
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.
There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.
But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.
“Janie, do you have a story to share?”
''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of ten Iraqi troops.She shot six of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed three more with the knife, till the blade broke and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”
''Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your daddy tell you was the moral to this story?”
"Don't mess with your mother when she's been drinking."
trendie
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A man was due to marry his fiance in a weeks time.
He was madly in love with her.
However, she had a really hot younger sister.
One day, he was alone with the younger sister at her house.
She started to come on to him, saying he should have one last fling before being married for life.
The man seemed shocked and startled.
The woman started to go upstairs to the bedroom.
The man, snapped out of his shock, grabbed his car keys from the table, ran down the hallway, and out the front door, onto the drive..
Only to be met by his fiance, her mother and father.
All were smiling at him.
The fiances father walked up to him and said "You passed the final test. You didn't succumb to temptation. I would love to have you as a son-in-law".
He was hugged by his fiance and soon to be mother-in-law.
You might think this is a story about loyalty, honesty and integrity.
But the moral of this story is to always keep your condoms in your car.
(from the book Flipnosis, by Kevin Dutton; psychology, perception, persuasion, and how framing thoughts determines our reactions to people and things)
He was madly in love with her.
However, she had a really hot younger sister.
One day, he was alone with the younger sister at her house.
She started to come on to him, saying he should have one last fling before being married for life.
The man seemed shocked and startled.
The woman started to go upstairs to the bedroom.
The man, snapped out of his shock, grabbed his car keys from the table, ran down the hallway, and out the front door, onto the drive..
Only to be met by his fiance, her mother and father.
All were smiling at him.
The fiances father walked up to him and said "You passed the final test. You didn't succumb to temptation. I would love to have you as a son-in-law".
He was hugged by his fiance and soon to be mother-in-law.
You might think this is a story about loyalty, honesty and integrity.
But the moral of this story is to always keep your condoms in your car.
(from the book Flipnosis, by Kevin Dutton; psychology, perception, persuasion, and how framing thoughts determines our reactions to people and things)
YouAreNotFree
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Guy : I'm pretty upset right now.
Girl : Oh no. Why?
Guy : My dick just died..................would you mind if I bury it in your ass?
Girl : Oh no. Why?
Guy : My dick just died..................would you mind if I bury it in your ass?
