Best Thread Joke of the day
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barjon
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One day in the future, George Bush has a heart-attack and dies.
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.
"I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my
list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here,
so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple of folks here
who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you
have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."
George thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened
the door to the first room. In it was Ted Kennedy and a
large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing, empty
handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced
with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer, and
I don't think I could do that all day long."
The devil led him to the door of the next room. In it was Al Gore with a sledge-
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer,
time after time after time.
"No, this is no good; I've got this problem with my shoulder.
I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks
all day," commented George.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, George saw Bill
Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his
legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica
Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
George looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, "Yeah
man, I can handle this."
The devil smiled and said...........
"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
Eric Geddes
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Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers; sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps, were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.
Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek.
Sarkozy thinks: Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I’d get the blame for it and she slapped me…the English *******.
Cameron thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French sod another time.
The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound of a kiss followed by a loud slap. When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek. No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.
Angela Merkel thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and she slapped his cheek.
The Irish girl thinks: Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark, but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek.
Sarkozy thinks: Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in the dark knowing that I’d get the blame for it and she slapped me…the English *******.
Cameron thinks: I can’t wait for another tunnel, just so I can kiss the back of my hand again and smack that little French sod another time.
timsk
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Just back from a holiday in Thailand and I came so close to sh*gging a ladyboy! Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, even kissed like a lady!
It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed the car straight into the garage first time that I thought to myself "hang on a f*cking minute....!"
*******
Guy walks into a pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a pack of 3 condoms. "I think I'll be needing all these tonight" he boasts. "I'm going to my girlfriend's for dinner and I'm sure her sister and her mum both fancy me as well."
That night he sits down at the table with the three ladies when the father comes in. The young man immediately bows his head and prays for 5 mins. His girlfriend leans over and says "I never knew you were religious." He replies "I never knew your dad was a f*cking pharmacist!!"
It was only when she drove me back to her place and reversed the car straight into the garage first time that I thought to myself "hang on a f*cking minute....!"
*******
Guy walks into a pharmacist and asks the man behind the counter for a pack of 3 condoms. "I think I'll be needing all these tonight" he boasts. "I'm going to my girlfriend's for dinner and I'm sure her sister and her mum both fancy me as well."
That night he sits down at the table with the three ladies when the father comes in. The young man immediately bows his head and prays for 5 mins. His girlfriend leans over and says "I never knew you were religious." He replies "I never knew your dad was a f*cking pharmacist!!"
Pat494
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At the maternity ward the doctor shows off the latest machine, it transfers all the pain to the father from the mother. The husband reluctantly agrees to be hooked up.
The birth was particularly long but neither seemed to show any affects from the pain, mystifying the doctors.
The couple go home, only to find the milkman dead on the front doorstep.
The birth was particularly long but neither seemed to show any affects from the pain, mystifying the doctors.
The couple go home, only to find the milkman dead on the front doorstep.
Eric Geddes
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Dangerous place -America:
· I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
· I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
· I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
· I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
· Beware of rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
· Also, scrub the top of every can you open for thesame reason.
· I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
· I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
· I no longer use cling film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
· I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
· I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
· I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
· And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
· I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
· I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
· I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.
· I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
· I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one's nose.
· Beware of rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
· Also, scrub the top of every can you open for thesame reason.
· I can't eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
· I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
· I no longer use cling film in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
· I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
· I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
· I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda agents in disguise.
· And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.
· I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
Pat494
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All your worries will be over if they elect (Walter) Mitt
Romney as President.Yet another war should just about finish off the USA as the "has been" super power.
Pat494
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Bob calls home one afternoon to see what his wife is making for dinner.”Hello?”, says a little girl’s voice.”
Hi honey,it’s Daddy”, says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone ?”
No Daddy, says the girl. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.
Bob says “But you don’t have an Uncle Frank.”
“Yes I do says the girl, “He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”
“Okay then says Bob. “Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy’s car has just pulled up outside the house.”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did what you said, Daddy.When they heard me Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell outa the window.and now she’s dead.
“Oh my God “, says Bob “ and what about Uncle Frank ?”
He jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool,” says the girl. “But he must have forgotten that you emptied the pool last week, so now he’s dead as well.”
There’s a long pause, then Bob says, “Swimming pool ? Is this 345 9087 ?”
Hi honey,it’s Daddy”, says Bob. “Is Mommy near the phone ?”
No Daddy, says the girl. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank.
Bob says “But you don’t have an Uncle Frank.”
“Yes I do says the girl, “He’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!”
“Okay then says Bob. “Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and Uncle Frank that Daddy’s car has just pulled up outside the house.”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did what you said, Daddy.When they heard me Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug and fell outa the window.and now she’s dead.
“Oh my God “, says Bob “ and what about Uncle Frank ?”
He jumped out of the back window into the swimming pool,” says the girl. “But he must have forgotten that you emptied the pool last week, so now he’s dead as well.”
There’s a long pause, then Bob says, “Swimming pool ? Is this 345 9087 ?”
Pat494
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A married couple are travelling across country and stop off at a high class hotel. After spending the night they check out and discover the bill is £600. “This si ridiculous !” complains the husband” Three hundred pounds each for one night ?”. “The price also includes the use of the hotel sauna, complementary drinks at the bar and our car valet service,” replies the desk clerk. “But we didn’t use the sauna,” says the husband. “You could have used it if you wanted to”, says the clerk.”And we didn’t have the drinks at the bar”, says the husband. “You could have if you wanted to”, says the clerk. “And we didn’t have our car valeted”, says the husband. “You could have if you wanted to”, says the clerk. “I give up “, says the husband and writes a cheque. “Excuse me”, says the clerk, ”but this cheque is only for £100”. “ I know “, says the husband “but I am charging you £500 for sleeping with my wife. “I didn’t sleep with your wife”, replies the clerk “No”, replies the husband, “but you could have if you wanted to”.
Pat494
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Two protestors hire a moose costume in the hope they can get close enough to a Davos business tycoon to harangue him. They creep up on a big man in a suit but find that the zip has stuck. Suddenly there’s a loud bellow and the protestor in the front of the costume sees that the large man is approaching them with a huge erection. “What are we going to do now ?” asks the protestor in the back of the costume ? ” I’m going to pretend to be nibbling a bit of grass “, replies the other “ but you had better brace yourself.”
Dick Lexic
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Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' A gain the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME . '
Why Parents Drink
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '
'Is your daddy home?' he asked.
' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'
The child whispered, ' No .'
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '
'May I talk with her?' A gain the small voice whispered, ' No '
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'
' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'
' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.
'Busy doing what?'
' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman , ' came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'
' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.
'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,
' The search team just landed a helicopter '
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...
' ME . '
Dick Lexic
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> Difference between Grannies and Grandads
>
>
>
>
>
> A five year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.
>
> On one coccasion he had a bad cold so his wife took the grandchild.
>
>
>
> That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was
> very
> different!
>
> "What made it different?" asked her parents.
>
> "Gran and I didn't see a single ******, blind *******, dick-head, prick or
> ****** anywhere on the way to school today!'
>
> Difference between Grannies and Grandads
>
>
>
>
>
> A five year old granddaughter is taken to school daily by her grandfather.
>
> On one coccasion he had a bad cold so his wife took the grandchild.
>
>
>
> That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was
> very
> different!
>
> "What made it different?" asked her parents.
>
> "Gran and I didn't see a single ******, blind *******, dick-head, prick or
> ****** anywhere on the way to school today!'
>
timsk
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ANDY MURRAY: Try crumbling a Viagra into your barley water, it'll make it a bit easier to get past a semi.
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My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implant ruptured & began slowly leakin' industrial-grade silicone. However, she's now had her nipple pierced, so we've been able to seal around the bath, shower tray and hand basin!
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George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken ship in Italy. He said he has often been 'abandoned' lying on his side with the @rse ripped out of him after a nights cruising...
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A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when the baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son".
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a fanny - not a fekking photo copier!!!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
My wife was mortified when her PIP breast implant ruptured & began slowly leakin' industrial-grade silicone. However, she's now had her nipple pierced, so we've been able to seal around the bath, shower tray and hand basin!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
George Michael has sympathised with the captain of the stricken ship in Italy. He said he has often been 'abandoned' lying on his side with the @rse ripped out of him after a nights cruising...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A mother-in-law said to her son's wife when the baby was born, "I don't mean to be rude, but he doesn't look anything like my son".
The daughter-in-law lifted her skirt and said, "I don't mean to be rude either, but this is a fanny - not a fekking photo copier!!!"
Last edited:
Dick Lexic
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Hi guys, just thought i'd let all the fatties now that i went on a diet today and i've lost 2 stone already!!
I went for a sh*t and sneezed at the same time.
I went for a sh*t and sneezed at the same time.
Gaucho and Nelson
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John_Betong
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The dog who liked melons
Watch out for another groaner
One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States.
The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits.
Just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but melons.
He doted on them.
His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully.
He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner.
His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her and she said "Come to me, my melon....... collie......... baby".
I'll get my coat...
Watch out for another groaner
One of the pups in a breeder's litter of collies had a strange appetite, fostered no doubt, because the dog fancier's kennel was deep in the southern United States.
The odd youngster spurned regular dog food, no meaty tid-bits could tempt him and he hated dog biscuits.
Just in time to save the little dog's life, the owner found he would eat nothing but melons.
He doted on them.
His brother pups could not understand this and they teased him unmercifully.
He became the butt of their pranks until his tail would droop and he would whimper and shiver in a corner.
His mother, trying to comfort him, called him to her and she said "Come to me, my melon....... collie......... baby".
I'll get my coat...
John_Betong
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Last edited:
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my dick and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
The moral of the story:
If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!
