Best Thread Joke of the day

SUCCESS!
I have finally found my girlfriend's G-Spot. Imagine my surprise, her sister had it all along!


My mate went to Switzerland to commit supervised suicide. He arrived at the clinic just in time for breakfast. The p1ss taking b@stards gave him a bowl of Cheerio’s!


I got sacked from my job as a Bingo caller the other day. Apparently, “A meal for two with a terrible view” isn’t the best way to announce number 69!


An elderly man is stopped by Police at around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about Alcohol Abuse and the affect it has on the human body. . . As well as smoking & staying out late."
The officer then asks "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replies . . . . . . ."That would be my wife."
 
A man feared that his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him that there is a simple informal test which the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. "Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone find out if she can hear you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife was in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in his study. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response...

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Darling, what's for dinner?" Still no response...

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Sweetheart, what's for dinner?" Again he gets no response...

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.. "Honey, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?" Again there is no response...

So finally he walks right up behind her... "Darling, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"...






She replies "Bloody hell Ralph, for the FIFTH time, IT'S CHICKEN!"
 
CHINESE SICK LEAVE: I NO COME WORK TODAY!!

Hung Chow calls into work and says, So solly, I no come work
today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come work.

The boss says, You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.


Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. I do what you
say and I feel great. I be at work soon..........You got nice house"











--
 
All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.
>
>
>
> Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.
>
>
>
>
> Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.
>
>
>
> The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.
>
>
>
> After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.
>
>
> Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.
>
> Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..
>
> It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
>
>
>
> Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.
>
>
>
> Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO
 
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the 'Chicken Surprise',
The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that?' she asks her husband.

He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.

He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two
little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.



'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order?'



The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise.'


'Ah! So sorry,' says the waiter, 'I bring you Peeking Duck!'
 
A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant...

"Do you have that new book out for men with short penises, I can't remember the title?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."


ps it's rubbish
 
Dick Lexic said:
A man goes into a bookstore and asks the young lady assistant...

"Do you have that new book out for men with short penises, I can't remember the title?"

She replies, "I'm not sure if it's in yet."

The man said, "that's the one, I'll take a copy."


ps it's rubbish
Click to expand...

clever (y)
 
The EU leadership decided to meet yet again to discuss the usual crisis.
Mr Elephantarous the Greek minister being on summer time got there 1 hour early by mistake and had already eaten about half the banquet by the time the rest arrived.

:)
 
Which way Jose
 

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Last week I went to the local super market, done the shopping, paid then felt in my pockets for the car keys.

They were not in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife Elizabeth scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

When I got to the car park, I searched for my car but came to a terrifying conclusion. Elizabeth had been right about the car being stolen.

I immediately rang the Police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Elizabeth Darling" I stammered. I always call her "Darling" in times like this. "I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen".

There was a long period of silence, then I heard Elizabeth say, "Frank" she barked, "I dropped you off".

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed I said, "I am very sorry Darling, please come and get me".

Elizabeth shouted back, "I will as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car".
 
Pat494 said:
Last week I went to the local super market, done the shopping, paid then felt in my pockets for the car keys.

They were not in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically I headed for the parking lot.

My wife Elizabeth scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen.

When I got to the car park, I searched for my car but came to a terrifying conclusion. Elizabeth had been right about the car being stolen.

I immediately rang the Police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left the keys in the car and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all. "Elizabeth Darling" I stammered. I always call her "Darling" in times like this. "I left the keys in the car and it has been stolen".

There was a long period of silence, then I heard Elizabeth say, "Frank" she barked, "I dropped you off".

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed I said, "I am very sorry Darling, please come and get me".

Elizabeth shouted back, "I will as soon as I convince this policeman that I have not stolen your car".
Click to expand...

:LOL:
 
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up! :innocent:
 
Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner? So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minutes. Her mouth was full of blood. Dracula says: "Congratulations, how did you do that?" The bat said: "Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a house. I went in and sucked the blood of all the family". "Very good" said Dracula. The second bat goes and comes back after 5 minutes all her face covered in blood. Dracula astonished says, "How did you do that?" The bat replies " Do you see that tower? Behind it there is a school. I went in and drunk the blood of all the children". "Impressive" said Dracula. Now the third bat goes and comes back after three minutes literally covered in blood from top to toe. Dracula is stunned. "How on earth did you do that????" he asked. And the bat replies. "Do you see this tower?" Dracula replies with a yes. And the bat says "Well, I didn't".
 
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