Best Thread Joke of the day

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.

Thanks Hoggums, good advice mate i'll get round to the charity shop tomorrow...
 
[[[[[sent from my iphone]]]]]]]]]
Sitting in a police cell writing this. I got stopped by a policewoman in a road check last night - part of their xmas anti drink driving campaign. She asked me how much alcohol I'd consumed in the last 24hrs. Apparently my reply of: "Not enough to want to shag you love" was incorrect.

I think your repply was juct good mate .....cheeky bastrad askin that okward kwestions
 
it might have been on before but here you go...

The Lone Ranger's Last Request

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.

The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger, In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days but before I kill you, I grant you three requests what is your FIRST request?'

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back as the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two days, what is your SECOND request?"

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse Silver is brought to him,
and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed "You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow what is your LAST request?"

The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone." the Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent.

Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...


"BRING POSSE!"
 
There is a man doing the crossword puzzle. He needs a 4 letter word ending in it.
The clue is :- it is usually found at the bottom of the parrot's cage

and the answer is
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
l
grit ( now you didn't really think it was you know what, did you. Shame on you ! )
 
Patient: Doctor doctor, I have a pain in my lower back.

Doctor: We must get to the bottom of this.
 
Apparently Black Swan has been voted the funniest guy on this website 2011.
Strange I don't seem to recall any of his obviously hilarious jokes ?
Perhaps I had better have a look.
 
Found a bit of stuff about him but no jokes so far
 

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Why do birds fly south in the winter?

Because it is too far to walk! :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:


Where are all the cracker jokes? (y)
 
A jury at the Old Bailey was told that on the night he died Stephen Lawrence was wearing a bright blue cardigan, a red polo shirt and green corduroy trousers.

Perhaps he was murdered by the fashion police?
 
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A man boards a plane at Heathrow bound for New York.
A few minutes later an absolutely gorgeous woman comes along and sits next to him.
He thinks he must start a conversation with her so asks: are you flying on business or for pleasure?
She replies: On business.
He replies: Oh, that's interesting, what line of business are you in?
She replies: I'm a sexologist.
He replies: Wow that's interesting, tell me more.
She replies: I'm going to New York to give a paper at a seminar detailing popular sexual myths.
He replies: Wow that's interesting, tell me more.
She replies: Well, it's a popular myth that black men have the biggest c@cks, our research has proven that it is in fact Pakistani men that have the biggest c@cks.
He replies: Wow that's interesting, tell me more.
She replies: It's a popular myth that the French make the best lovers, our research has proven that it is in fact the Greeks that make the best lovers.
He replies: Wow that's interesting, tell me more.
She replies: It's a popular myth that the English upper class are the most charming, whilst our research has proven that it is in fact the Irish working class that are the most charming.
He replies: Wow that's interesting, tell me more.
She replies: I really can't tell you any more, our findings are highly confidential and I don't even know your name.
He replies: My name is Mohammed Popodopolus, but my friends call me Paddy.
 
A Harley biker is riding by the zoo in Washington , DC when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage.

Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents.

The biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.

Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter addressing the Harley rider says, 'Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.'

The Harley rider replies, 'Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted as I felt right.'

The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, and tomorrow's paper will have this story on the front page...
So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?'

The biker replies, 'I'm a U.S. Marine and a Republican.'

The journalist leaves.

The following morning the biker buys the paper to see news of his actions, and reads, on the front page:




U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS

AFRICAN IMMIGRANT

AND STEALS HIS LUNCH
 
Under Hilary's rules of engagement

US marines in Afghanistan can shoot the Taliban but not peee on them.

Calls by Taliban leaders for her to accept a splash of their +++++ at a special ceremony may not be granted.
 
A woman meets a man in a bar.

They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together..

They get back to his place,

And as he shows her around his apartment.

She notices that one wall of his bedroom is Completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom,

With hundreds and hundreds of cute,

Cuddly teddy bears carefully placed

In rows, covering the entire wall!

It was obvious that he had taken

Quite some time to lovingly arrange them

And she was immediately touched

By the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display.

There were small bears all along
The bottom shelf,

Medium-sized bears covering the
Length of the middle shelf,

And huge, enormous bears running
All the way along the top shelf.

She found it strange for an
Obviously masculine guy

To have such a large collection of
Teddy Bears,

She is quite impressed by his
Sensitive side.

But doesn't mention this to him.

They share a bottle of wine and
Continue talking and,

After awhile, she finds herself
Thinking,

'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy
Could be the one!

Maybe he could be the future
Father of my children?'

She turns to him and kisses him
Lightly on the lips

He responds warmly
They continue to kiss, the passion builds,

And he romantically lifts her in
His arms and carries her into his bedroom

Where they rip off each other's
Clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she
Responds with more passion,

More creativity, more heat than she
Has ever known.

After an intense, explosive night
Of raw passion with this sensitive guy,

They are lying there together in
The afterglow.
The woman rolls over, gently
Strokes his chest and asks coyly,

'Well, how was it?'

The guy gently smiles at her,

Strokes her cheek,
Looks deeply into her eyes,



And says:



'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
 
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