Best Thread Joke of the day

Things to Remember During a War

1. The only things more accurate than enemy fire is friendly fire.

2. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.

3. Teamwork is essential. It gives them more targets to shoot at.

4. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

5. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

6. Remember: your aircraft was made by the lowest bidder.

7. Never draw fire, it will irritate the rest of your formation.

8. Never share a cockpit with someone braver than you.

9. You are not Tom Cruise.

10. SAMs and AAA have the right-of-way.

11. If you aren't sure, the SAMs are pointed at you.

12. If hit, landing near the people that just shot you down is not a good idea.

13. If you are not cowering at the bottom of a deep hole you are not really trying to survive.

14. Smart bombs have bad days too.

15. The best defense is to stay out of range.

16. If you are short on everything but enemy, you are in combat.

17. The enemy always seems to have better guns etc and boy those tanks !!

18. If that dreadful smell means someone has crapped themselves, first check it's not you before complaining.

:)
 
bonsai said:
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they're practicing to be men.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. One - he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

Q. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Three - one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

Q. What do you call a handcuffed man?
A. Trustworthy.

Q. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A. You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

Q. Why do doctors slap babies butts right after they're born?
A. To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Q. Why do men name their penises?
A. Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions.

Q. Why does it take 100,000,000 male sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. Because not one will stop and ask directions.

Q. Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A. To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: What do men and pantyhose have in common?
A: They either cling, run or don't fit right in the crotch!

Q: Why do men whistle when they're sitting on the toilet?
A: Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women...
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How does a man keep his youth?
A: By giving her money, furs and diamonds.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder to "instruction manuals"
Click to expand...

Feminist much :)
 
You missed one:

Why is a man's urine yellow and his sperm white?

So he can tell whether he's coming or going.
 
The other day I was in the queue at the bank. In front of me there was an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated.

She asked the teller, 'Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat dorra fo yen. Today I onry get hunat eighty? Why it change?'

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, 'Fluctuations.'

The Asian lady was clearly incensed by this, because she shouted 'Oh rearry? Fluc you white people too!' and stormed out of the bank.
 
Men's Pickup Lines
1. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

2. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

3. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

4. HI! Can I buy you a car?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

7. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would cum."

8. Excuse me. Do you want to **** or should I apologize?

9. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

10. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a ****? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

11. Excuse me, have I ****ed you yet?

12. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

13. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

14. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

15. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

16. **** me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

17. That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.
 
Little Mary always fell asleep at Sunday school so the nun asked him, "Who was our Lord and Savior?" Little Johnny who sat behind her took out a pin and pokes her in the butt, making Mary yell "Jesus Christ!"

Very good says the teacher. Mary falls back asleep. So the nun wakes her back up and asks, "Who created the universe?" Little Johnny pokes her in the butt with a pin again, making Mary yell, "God Almighty!"

The teacher says very good. And unconvinced that Mary would stay awake, she asks Mary, "What did Eve say to Adam after giving birth?" Little Mary jumped out of her seat and yells, "If you shove that thing in my butt one more time I'm gonna break it in half and shove it down youre throat."
 
Young master :)
 

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A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
 
UK Visa Advice for American Tourists.

Before embarking upon a UK holiday, here are a few things you should know about the Brits and their language differences. This knowledge may save you considerable embarrassment if you learn it well.

MONEY:

The Brits have peculiar words for many things. Money is referred to as "goolies" in slang, so you should for instance say, "I'd love to come to the pub but I aven't got any goolies." "Quid" is the modern word for what was once called a "shilling" - the equivalent of seven cents $USD.

MAKING FRIENDS:

If you are fond of someone, you should tell him he is a "great ******" - he will be touched. The English are a notoriously tactile, demonstrative people, and if you want to fit in you should hold hands with your acquaintances and ******s when you walk down the street.

CUSTOMS:

Brits have been attempting to adopt certain continental customs, such as the large midday meal followed by a two or three hour siesta, which they call a "wank." If you are late for supper, simply apologize and explain that you were having a wank - everyone will understand and forgive you.

RELAXING:

One of the most delightful ways to spend an afternoon in Oxford or Cambridge is gliding gently down the river in one of their flat-bottomed boats, which you propel using a long pole. This is known as "cottaging." Many of the boats (called "yer-i-nals") are privately owned by the colleges, but there are some places that rent them to the public by the hour. Just tell a professor or policeman that you are interested in doing some cottaging and would like to know where the public yerinals are. The poles must be treated with vegetable oil to protect them from the water, so it's a good idea to buy a can of Mazola and have it on you when you ask directions to the yerinals. That way people will know you are an experienced cottager.

FOOD AND WINE:

British cuisine enjoys a well-deserved reputation as the most sublime gastronomic pleasure available to man. Rest assured that a British meal is worth interrupting your afternoon wank for. Few foreigners are aware that there are several grades of meat in the UK. The best cuts of meat, like the best bottles of gin, bear Her Majesty's seal, called the British Stamp of Excellence (BSE). When you go to a fine restaurant, tell your waiter you want BSE beef and won't settle for anything less.

If he balks at your request, custom dictates that you jerk your head imperiously back and forth while rolling your eyes to show him who is boss. Once the waiter realizes you are a person of discriminating taste, he may offer to let you peruse the restaurant's list of exquisite British wines. If he does not, you should order one anyway. The best wine grapes grow on the steep, chalky hillsides of Yorkshire and East Anglia - try an Ely '84 or Ripon '88 for a rare treat indeed. When the bill for your meal comes it will show a suggested amount. Pay whatever you think is fair, unless you plan to dine there again, in which case you should simply walk out; the restaurant host will understand that he should run a tab for you.

TRANSPORTATION:

Public taxis are subsidized by the Her Majesty's Government. A taxi ride in London costs two pounds, no matter how far you travel. If a taxi driver tries to overcharge you, you should yell "I think not, you charlatan!" then grab the nearest policeman (bobby) and have the driver disciplined.

It is rarely necessary to take a taxi, though, since bus drivers are required to make detours at patrons' requests. Just board any bus, pay your fare of thruppence (the heavy gold-colored coins are "pence"), and state your destination clearly to the driver, e.g.: "Please take me to the British Library." A driver will frequently try to have a bit of harmless fun by pretending he doesn't go to your requested destination.

Ignore him, as he is only teasing the tourist (little does he know you're not so ignorant!). For those traveling on a shoestring budget, the London Tube may be the most economical way to get about, especially if you are a woman. Chivalry is alive and well in Britain, and ladies still travel for free on the Tube. Simply take some tokens from the baskets at the base of the escalators or on the platforms; you will find one near any of the state-sponsored Tube musicians. Once on the platform, though, beware! Approaching trains sometimes disturb the large Gappe bats that roost in the tunnels. The Gappes were smuggled into London in the early 19th century by French saboteurs and have proved impossible to exterminate. The announcement "Mind the Gappe!" is a signal that you should grab your hair and look towards the ceiling. Very few people have ever been killed by Gappes, though, and they are considered only a minor drawback to an otherwise excellent means of transportation.

AIRPORTS:

One final note: for preferential treatment when you arrive at Heathrow airport, announce that you are a member of Shin Fane (an international Jewish peace organization-the "shin" stands for "shalom").

As savvy travellers know, this little white lie will assure you priority treatment as you make your way through customs.
 
alliance said:
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house,
and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he
said, "How much will you charge me?"

The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need
were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Click to expand...

Pat494 said:
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire
herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.


Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" The blonde quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband,
"Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?"

He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?"

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe
all those 'dumb blonde' jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.

"You're finished already?" the husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and
handed it to her.

"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
Click to expand...

Joseff said:
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Click to expand...



Sorry to be the one having a go at you again, but this situation is actually quite funny in its own right - yours is actually the third telling of this joke.

Next time, just say "#1171!" and we can all have a good laugh without you needing to edit and spell check and all that crap....
 
A Mexican, an American and a Canadian are in a bar having a drink when a great-looking female comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the American says, "I love liver and cheese." The girl replies, "That's not good enough."

The Canadian says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Mexican he says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

geronimo !!
 
Woman asks:
If I sleep with 3 men, everyone calls me a loose.
But when a man sleeps with 10 women,
Everyone calls him a real man. How come . . . ?!?
Confucius replies:
It’s very simple. “When one lock can be opened by 3 different keys, it’s a bad lock.
But when one key can open 10 different locks, we call it a MASTER KEY…”
 
Angry husband is not satisfied with his wife & sends a sms to his Mother in law. Your product is not matching my requirements. Smart Mother in law replies - Warranty expired, manufacturer not responsible after seal is broken.
 
10 Office Rules:

10. Never walk without a document -- People with documents look like hardworking employees headed to important meetings. People with nothing in their hands look like they're headed for the cafeteria. People with a newspaper in their hand look like they're headed for the toilet. Above all, make sure you carry loads of stuff home with you at night, thus generating the false impression that you work longer hours than you really do.

9. Use computers to look busy -- Any time you use a computer, it looks like "work" to the casual observer. You can send and receive personal e-mail, chat and have a blast without doing anything remotely related to work. These aren't exactly the societal benefits that the proponents of the computer revolution would like to talk about, but they're not bad either. When you get caught by your boss -- and you will get caught -- your best defense is to claim you're teaching yourself to use new software, thus saving valuable training dollars.

8. Messy desk -- only top management can get away with a clean desk. For the rest of us, it looks like we're not working hard enough. Build huge piles of documents around your workspace. To the observer, last year's work looks the same as today's work; it's volume that counts. Pile them high and wide. If you know somebody is coming to your cubicle, bury the document you'll need halfway down in an existing stack and rummage for it when he/she arrives.

7. Voice mail -- Never answer your phone if you have voice mail. People don't call you just because they want to give you something for nothing -- they call because they want YOU to do work for THEM. That's no way to live. Screen all your calls through voice mail. If somebody leaves a message for you and it sounds like impending work, respond during lunch hour when you know they're not there -- it looks like you're hardworking and conscientious even though you're being a devious weasel.

6. Look impatient and annoyed -- According to George Costanza, one should also always try to look impatient and annoyed to give off the impression that you're always busy.

5. Leave the office late -- Always leave the office late, especially when the boss is still around. You could read magazines and storybooks that you always wanted to read. Make sure you walk past the boss' room on your way out. Send important e-mails at unearthly hours (i.e. 9:35pm, 7:05am, etc.) and during public holidays.

4. Creative sighing for effect -- Sigh loudly when there are many people around, giving the impression that you are under extreme pressure.

3. Stacking strategy -- It is not enough to pile lots of documents on the table. Put lots of books on the floor, etc. (thick computer manuals are the best).

2. Build vocabulary -- Read up on some computer magazines and pick out all the jargon and new products. Use the phrases freely when in conversation with bosses. Remember, they don't have to understand what you say, but you sure sound impressive.

1. MOST IMPORTANT -- DON'T forward this to your boss by mistake!
 
Ways To Have Fun in the Workplace

Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after you boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha."

Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."

Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.

While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Marge.

Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.

Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "oh you've got to be faster than that.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
 
An Italian man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "Lorda, granta me one a wisha."

Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the Lord said, "Because you have recently left the land of your birth and your Mama, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "You build a bridge to Hawaii, so I can drive over anytime I wanta to."

The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lorda, I have been a married and divorce-ed four times. All of a my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. I wish that I could understand the women. I wanta know how they feel inside, what they are athinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry likea the bambinos, whata they mean when they say "nothing" and how I can make a woman truly happy?"

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

:)
 
A piece of bacon and a sausage are in a frying pan being cooked. The sausage says, 'it's hot in here isn't it!' and the bacon replys, 'wow! a talking sausage!'
 
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