Best Thread Joke of the day

Joseff said:
bra.jpg
Click to expand...
Now that looks like some serious back problems
 
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


:)
 
Adamus said:
A paramedic is called to a high speed car accident. On arrival he finds a brand new BMW rolled on its side and badly damaged. He can hear a man screaming from underneath “My car, my car! What have I done to my car!” The paramedic finds the man is missing part of his arm the car rolled on … “Mate… forget about your car… you are badly injured!” The man looks and notices his missing arm… “My Rolex, my Rolex is missing!”
Click to expand...

sounds like a lot of people i know!
 
Pat494 said:
December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?


:)
Click to expand...

Im glad I actually took the time to read this. It got pretty funny. This is how life goes though HAHA
 
roarson said:
Im glad I actually took the time to read this. It got pretty funny. This is how life goes though HAHA
Click to expand...

the missus gets her kicks from the candles

the snow-plough = market spikes

shovelling snow = trading imho

the little white pills = same ( must put more money into Phizer)

:)
 
Last edited:
pills, pills good for the brain
The more you have
The less the pain

Pills, pills good for the heart
The more you eat
The more you f*rt
 
California Crazy Law


Sunshine is guaranteed to the masses.


Animals are banned from mating publicly within 1,500 feet of a tavern, school, or place of worship.

Many animals are illegal to own as pets, including snails, sloths, and elephants.


Bathhouses are against the law.


In an animal shelter, lizards and snakes are treated under the same guidelines as cats and dogs.


No vehicle without a driver may exceed 60 miles per hour.


Women may not drive in a house coat.


It is a misdemeanor to shoot at any kind of game from a moving vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
 
Adamus said:
Would you please stop doing that? If you like a post, use the 'recommend' button, please don't make another post. It generates emails to everyone who subscribes to the thread by email.

And here's my joke, so as not to be accused of the same -



On a Qantas Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the
appearance of your flight attendants."



On landing the hostess said, "Please be sure to take all your belongings.
If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like
to have."



"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways to
leave the aircraft."



"Thank you for flying Qantas. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."



As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Canberra, a lone voice
came over! ! ! the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Adelaide, a
flight attendant on a Qantas flight announced, "Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as f#&%^
everything has shifted."



>From a Qantas employee: "Welcome aboard Qantas Flight XXX to YYY. To
operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It
works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate
one, you probably shouldn't be out in public unsupervised."


In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from
the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with
theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your
favourite.



Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Qantas Airlines."



"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments."



"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead
area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting
children...or other adults acting like children."




"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of you belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please
do not leave children or spouses."



And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Qantas airlines is
pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.
Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight."



Heard on Qantas Airlines just after a very hard landing in Hobart:

The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump, and I know what you are all thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the
airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's
fault... it was the asphalt!"



Overheard on a Qantas flight into Perth, on a particularly windy and bumpy
day:

During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it.
After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Perth. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts
fastened
while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"



Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:

"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."



An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying Qantas." He said that, in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would
have a smart comment. Finally everyone had got off except for a little old lady
walking with a cane.

She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?"

"Why no Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?"

The little old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"



After a real crusher of a landing in Sydney, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."



Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge
to go blasting through the skies in a pressurised metal tube, we hope you'll think
of Qantas."



A plane was taking off from Mascot Airport. After it reached a comfortable
cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom,
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number
xyz, non-stop from Sydney to Auckland. The weather ahead is good and,
therefore, we should have smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax - OH, MY
GOD!
" Silence followed and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the
intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier,
but, while I was talking, the flight attendant brought me a cup of coffee and
spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!" A
passenger in Economy said, "That's nothing. He should see the back of
mine!"
Click to expand...

WOW, that was rude!
 
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.

The drunk guy just ignores him.

After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.

He notices that the alien has no genitalia.

He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?"

The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles! :cheesy:
 
Atilla said:
An alien walks into a bar and sits next to a drunk guy and begins poking him in the shoulder.

The drunk guy just ignores him.

After a wile the guy turns to the alien and begins looking him up and down.

He notices that the alien has no genitalia.

He then asks "You guys have no genitalia, how do you guy have sex?"

The alien, still poking him in the arm, just smiles! :cheesy:
Click to expand...

Awwwwwwwwwww, dammit! :-0 :eek: LOL

:clap:(y)
 
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