Best Thread Joke of the day

Atilla said:
1. Joseff gives a repu to Gabrial
2. Joseff posts another blog to say he likes the joke


I don't get this joke... :eek:

Doctor doctor - is there something wrong with me? :cheesy:
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While I don't actually have him on ignore, if he's the last poster in a new posts thread, I'll tend to skip it for precisely that reason.
 
A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property."

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your question is 'yes'."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "most days he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I never wanted a divorce. It's husband. He says he can't communicate with me."
 
I had three girlfriends, but wasn't sure which one to marry. So I decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one went out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and comes back to my place and says, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much." I was very touched and aroused, and we had lots of great sex.

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and brings them back to me as gifts. This sweet girl looked into my eyes and said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much." I watched my new television with great enjoyment!

The third one takes the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returns the original $5000 to me and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much." She has enough to buy me a new boat.

I thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
 
It seems that the Taliban is really p*ssed off about the US budget cuts.
How are we supposed to fight a war without some financial support ? They said.
AlQuaeda are threatening to stop their war too, thus threatening the US defence industry, unless the cuts are re-instated !

Congress is expected to take the budget issue right to the last minute, to give those good folks plenty of time to get their financial supports ( bribes to you and me ) in .

:cheesy:
 
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A blonde walks into a barber shop with head phones on and wants her hair cut. The barber says " You need to take those head phones off." The blonde says "no no no!!!" The barber takes off the head phones and the blonde dies. After she was dead the barber puts one the head phones on and hears "breath in, breath out."
 
Adamus said:
Don't be so churlish! I thought this thread was for humour.
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lighthouse
 
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Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

Saint Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.
Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move.

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved twice telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

As Hillary left, St. Peter, being a little deaf, whispered to the Holy Ghost " she did say clock didn't she ?"


:)
 
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Amy Winehouse in Heaven

Amy Winehouse arrives in Heaven. She sees Princess Diana standing over on another cloud.

She calls over. “Hey Di, why is your halo black?”.

Di responds. “Amy if you weren’t so friggin smacked you’d be able to tell the difference between a halo and a feckin steering wheel”.
 
A new wine for seniors

California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot
Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape
that acts as an anti-diuretic. It is expected to reduce the number of trips
older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pinot More.
 
A biology graduate student went to Borneo to take some samples for his thesis work. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site he where he would make his collections. About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the biologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?" The guide turned to him and said, "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Well the biologist settled down a little at this, and things went reasonably well for about two weeks. Then, just as they were packing up the camp to leave, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the biologist like a ton of bricks (to coin a phrase), and he yelled at the guide,
"The Drums have stopped, What happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said:
"Bass Solo"
 
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?

Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.

Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?

Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.

Officer: The car is stolen?

Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.

Officer: There's a gun in the glove box?

Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk.

Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?

Driver: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation:

Captain: Sir, may I see your license?

Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.

Captain: Whose car is this?

Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car.

Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?

Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.

Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.

Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body.

Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk.

Driver: Really? Ain't that something? And I'll bet the lying sucker told you I was speeding, too ...

:)
 
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of a hippopotomus in my pocket and when it starts to look good, I go home to the wife."
 
A blonde goes to a doctor because both of her ears are burnt. “'Sit down and tell me how it happened,” says the doctor. “Well,I was ironing my clothes when I received a call and instead of picking the phone I picked up the iron and burnt my ear.”“'But that's one ear - what about the other?”“The guy called again!”
 
The top 10 inventions by Blondes:1) The water-proof towel 2) Solar powered flashlight 3) Submarine screen door 4) A book on how to read 5) Inflatable dart board 6) A dictionary index 7) Ejector seat in a helicopter 8) Powdered water 9) Pedal-powered wheel chair 10) Water-proof tea bag
 
Two cannibals are eating dinner and one says, "I hate my mother-in-law."

The other replies, "Well, just eat your noodles, then."
 
A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

Quietly the guy on the stool next to him, leans over and says "You should know that the bartender is blonde and so is the bouncer. Plus I myself am blonde and there are two blonde football players sitting on your right. Now go ahead and tell your joke."

"Oh no..." replied the blind guy. "I'm not telling it and have to explain it 5 times"
 
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