Best Thread Joke of the day

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Bono is at a U2 concert in Ireland when he asks the audience for some quiet.

Then in the silence, he starts to slowly clap his hands.

Holding the audience in total silence, he says into the microphone ..............

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies."

A voice from near the front of the audience pierces the silence..."Stop fookin doing it then!"

 

[Joseff]

While vacationing in a remote area of Alaska, I met an old mountain man, wise in the ways one need be to live in an extreme wilderness area like he did.
I asked him about the weater, did it rain a lot? He said;
"See those mountains over there" and he pointed to them.'
I replied, "Yes."
"Well," he replied, ".. if you can't see those mountains, that means it's raining. If you can see them, that means it's going to rain."

 

[Atilla]

Marriage Advice for Will & Kate...


The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)

Keep your eyes wide open before the wedding, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. (Socrates)

A husband is like a fire, he goes out when unattended. (Evan Esar)

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake'. (Henny Youngman)

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

All marriages are mixed marriages. (Chantal Saperstein)

There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

 

[Pat494]

Marriage Advice for Will & Kate...


There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henny Youngman)

The secret of a happily married life is:-1.

1.Never marry the girl you love.
Make her your mistress and discard when bored with her, for the latest model, like cars.

2. Marry a dependable, plain woman with a happy and understanding disposition to have your kids and look after the home. An oasis of contentment and peace.

 

[Joseff]

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, 'gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee

 

[Pat494]

Thought I would brighten your day with a filthy limerick

There was a young girl from Cape Cod
Who thought she had had sex with God
It wasn't the Almighty who had lifted her nightie
It was Rodger the Lodger, the randy old s0d

 

[Pat494]

The Head of Apple was asked to comment on the rumour that the new Ipad had a tracking device in it, was true.

"No way" was the reply "but we know who started the rumour and where they live and where they go so they had better watchout !"

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Saddam Hussein ......... Check

Osama Bin Laden ..........Check

Justin Bieber ................ ??????

 

[Joseff]

Saddam Hussein ......... Check

Osama Bin Laden ..........Check

Justin Bieber ................ ??????

AllIN))))))))))))))

 

[minch]

Man calls 999 and say's " I think my wife is dead "

The operator ask's " how do you know ? "

He say's " the sex is the same but the ironing is building up "

 

[JahDave]

I have noticed the past several years that when the joke of the day gets more popular then the markets have been close to a reversal........Explain that one......I already have a theory myself.......

 

[Joseff]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

They go to the fifth floor. There is a sign there that reads: There are no men here. This floor was built to prove it is impossible to please a woman....

 

[Joseff]

 

[minch]

I was explaining to the wife last night, that when you die, you get reincarnated but come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I told her she was obviously not listening.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

The IRS proceeded to audit Ralph.

They summonsed him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor was not surprised when Ralph showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full time employment.

You explain this by saying you win money gambling.

The IRS doesn't find that believable."

"I'm a great gambler! I can prove it. How about a demonstration?"

"OK, go ahead."

"I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

"No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.

"Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor could tell that Ralph wasn't blind; so, he took the bet.

Ralph removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realized he had wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness.

He started to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked.

"I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into a wastebasket over on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious, now; but, he looked around, carefully.

He decided there was no way this guy could manage such a stunt.

So, he agreed.

Ralph placed the wastebasket on one side of the desk, climbed up on the other side, stood up, unzipped his pants and strained mightily.

However, he just couldn't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side.

Pretty much, Ralph urinated all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leapt with joy.

He realized he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But, Ralph's attorney moaned and put his head in his hands.

"Are you OK, Counselor?" the auditor asked.

"Not really . . . this morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here, p1ss all over an IRS official's desk and the auditor would be happy about it."

 

[Faros]

lol

 

[Elisium]

Heading off to college at the age of 40, I was a bit self-conscious about my advancing years. One morning I complained to my husband that I was the oldest student in my class. "Even the teacher is younger than I am," I said. "Yeah," he said optimistically, "but look at it from my point of view. I thought my days of fooling around with college girls were over!"

 

[minch]

The wife has been missing for a week now.

The police said prepare for the worst.

So, I have been to the charity shop to get her clothes back.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

US Navy Seal : Any last words Osama ?

Osama : Yes, did Neil Lennon get my package ?

 

[minch]

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning thai girl......

I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection....

But she did.........