Best Thread Joke of the day

[perosi]

Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.
The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey."
Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?....Sugar."
So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good.
After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."

 

[Pat494]

Two brothers, one Republican and one Democrat, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. Upon leaving, the Republican tells his brother, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brother arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides he wants to buy it. The man tells him that he will sell it for $599, no less.

After buying him, he drives to the nearest town to send his brother a telegram to tell him the news. He walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my brother telling him that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need him to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help , then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the he only has $1 left. He realizes that he'll only be able to send his brother one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, he nods, and says, "I want you to send him the word "comfortable". The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is he ever going to know that you want him to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send him the word, "comfortable?'"

The Republican brother explains, "My brother's a bit slow. The word's big. He'll read it slow. - - - -
("com-for-da-bul" )

 

[barjon]

No matter what side of the AISLE you're on, THIS is FUNNY!

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogy researcher in southern California, was doing some personal work on her own family tree. She discovered that Senator Harry Reid's great-great uncle, Remus Reid, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889. Both Judy and Harry Reid share this common ancestor.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows in Montana territory:

On the back of the picture Judy obtained during her research is this inscription: 'Remus Reid, horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

So Judy recently e-mailed Senator Harry Reid for information about their great-great uncle.

Harry Reid:

Believe it or not, Harry Reid's staff sent back the following biographical sketch for her genealogy research:

"Remus Reid was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to government service, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed."

NOW THAT's how it's done, Folks! That's real POLITICAL SPIN !!!

 

[minch]

I've just had a letter back from Screwfix....they said they were sorry to inform me that they are not actually a dating agency.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Communion is so different now that The Pope is a German.

 

[Pat494]

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now."

The mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!"

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I'm going to make it hard for him and says "Ok, I'll let you stay if you can use 3 English words in a sentence".

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, "The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence."

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, "Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green, I Pink it up and sez Yellow?"

 

[minch]

The grim reaper came for me last night....but I managed to beat him off with a vacuum cleaner...talk about Dyson with death.

 

[Joseff]

Wife says to husband:

- I am tired of being your maid, I am filing for divorce!
- No, you are fired!

 

[trader-john]

Q: How are women and a hurricane alike?

A: When they arrive they're both wet and wild, when they leave, they take your house and your car.

 

[Faros]

What does a clock do when it's hungry? - Goes back 4 secounds!!!
What is the diffrent between a girl and a cellphone... - You can put a selfone on silent.

 

[Joseff]

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

 

[trader-john]

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

 

[minch]

I spent $40 last week on Ebay for a pen!s enlarger.......

I've just opened the package to find the b@stard has sent me a magnifying glass.

 

[Joseff]

I spent $40 last week on Ebay for a pen!s enlarger.......

I've just opened the package to find the b@stard has sent me a magnifying glass.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Two cowboys were sitting in a bar when one asked his friend if he had heard of the new sex position called "rodeo".

His friend said, "No, what is it?"

"Well, you mount your wife from the back, reach around her and cup her breasts with both hands.

Then you say, "Boy these are almost as nice as your sister's."

Then see if you can hang on for 8 seconds."

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

 

[brettus]

A battery and a firework got done for shoplifting the other day.

They charge one and let the other one off.

Went to the zoo the other day. There was only one dog.

It was a shtzoo.

 

[Atilla]

This video is not very funny - beware...:cheesy:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WqwElUKXWJ0&feature=fvwrel

 

[Joseff]

One man walking on the street with two penguins.
His friends get very angry when they see him and they told him to take poor animals to zoo.
Man said them that's great idea and he left.
After 2 hours they saw him again with two penguins and they are angry.
Man said "Why you angry? We been there and now we are going to cinema."

 

[Joseff]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“