Best Thread Joke of the day

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Remember ladies, the best way to attract a man is with your eyes.

That's why it's so important to have your eye makeup perfectly applied. If it weren't for the excellent application of proper eye makeup this young lady probably wouldn't get a second look from most guys.

Then again, I could be wrong . . . . . .

 

[Adamson]

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you."
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

 

[trader-john]

An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

 

[TheBramble]

What do Heather Mills and Harry Redknapp have in common?

The both have pointless second legs.

 

[TheBramble]

Told my wife I was suffering from premature ejaculation.

Bless her, she just took it on the chin.

 

[TheBramble]

Once Chelsea get rid of Torres they're going to put a bd in on Andy Murray. They've never seen someone hit the net to many times in 90 minutes.

 

[Joseff]

My sister was with two men in one night. She could hardly walk after that.
Can you imagine?
Two dinners!

 

[TheBramble]

Josef, your jokes are funny for all the wrong reasons. LOL.

 

[Joseff]

Josef, your jokes are funny for all the wrong reasons. LOL.

Do you like them?

 

[TheBramble]

Tough one....

Sort of. But I really don't know why.

 

[TheBramble]

Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton asked the Queen what was the secret to a long and happy married life.

The Queen responded "Wear a seat belt and don't p!ss me off".

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly... he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own f**king blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

 

[trendie]

An englishman, scotsman, frenchman, australian, indian, american, japanese and vietnamese walk into a bar.

The bartender looks up and says "Sorry, you cant come in here without a Thai".

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

The Conservatives : Putting the 'n' into cuts....

 

[Joseff]

Re: Kate Middleton

Kate Middleton asked the Queen what was the secret to a long and happy married life.

The Queen responded "Wear a seat belt and don't p!ss me off".

This is good one!

Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up th stairs and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK"

 

[Adamus]

Re: Kate Middleton

This is good one!

Two friends Peter and Jack is leaving for holiday in a same airplane. Peter was sad when he couldn't meet Jack before they get in to the plane. After some time he sees Jack coming up th stairs and Peter shouted, "HI-JACK"

Joseff, that's not really you in your avatar photo, is it? It's your dad, isn't it?

 

[brettus]

Do you like them?

I think he thinks you may have made them up yourself.

 

[Pat494]

There was this old bloke who went to the doctors.

Well said the Doc, what's wrong with you then ?

The man said " I don't seem to get any pleasure out of sex any more.

"How old are you says the Doc" ?

89 he says

89 says the Doc in some surprise and how old is your wife ?

91 he says

Well says the Doc and when did you notice you weren't getting any pleasure out of sex then ?

The old bloke says " twice last night and once this morning " !

Ronnie B.

 

[Joseff]