Best Thread Joke of the day

From Mrs Thatcher's viewpoint

MEN

Men are like ... Floor Tiles. If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for years.

Men are like ... Bank Accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.

Men are like ... Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like ... Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night.

Men are like ... Copiers. You need them for reproduction, but that's about it.

Men are like ... Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like ... Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like ... Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion

Men are like ... Parking Spots. The good ones are already taken and the ones that are left are handicapped or extremely small.

Men are like ... Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ... Bank Machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ... Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ... Crystal. Some look really good, but you can still see right through them.

Men are like ... Laxatives. They irritate the **** out of you......

Men are like ... The bending reedbeds of Norfolk being battered by a strong East wind when I get going with my handbag
 
Word has it Michael Jackson wanted to be laid to rest at sea, he wanted to be strapped to a couple of buoys!!



Michael Jackson is dead, Hospital staff don't know what to do with the body, as plastic recycle night is next Tuesday.



Out of respect McDonalds are releasing a mcjackson burger, it has 50 year old meat between 10 year old buns



The US Coroner’s office have announced that Michael Jackson's body will be melted down & re-packaged as plastic toys -
So kids can play with him for a change!



Michael Jackson's will states that at his funeral - It doesn't matter if you wear black or white!



Michael Jackson died, because his heart could no longer beat it!
 
A tickle rather that a belly laugh ….

Battle of Trafalgar
Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "'England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ........... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy".
 
Contract for Women

Please sign,
I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT...

1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one.

2. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or your football team lose, I agree that - by some complex scientific equation incomprehensible to woman - it will be my fault. Even if I wasn’t there.

3. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan yak.

4. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

5. After sex, I will not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor will let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

6. I will never, ever give your ***** a "cute" nickname.

7. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and you just lie there, grinning.

8. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet. And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that you have "ruined me for other men".

9. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games, and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women. I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so you’re in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing machine, of course.

Signed ____________________________________

Date ______________________________________
 
Be-er warned!

Bavarian men might reconsider...
 

Attachments

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It has been reported that groundsmen found a huge pile of manure in the centre of the hallowed pitch of Lords Cricket Ground.

The chief suspect was an escaped kangaroo from Regents Park zoo. The Board of Directors of the MCC decided to blame a rather large great dane in case the tourists from Oz were upset. However on closer inspection of the CCT TVs the shadowy figure of a man in a flat green cap could be made out. It looked suspiciously like Ricky the sledger Ponting.

Has the great game sunk to this ?
 
English cricket gets bradycardia at Cardiff

Pat494 said:
It has been reported that groundsmen found a huge pile of manure in the centre of the hallowed pitch of Lords Cricket Ground.

The chief suspect was an escaped kangaroo from Regents Park zoo. The Board of Directors of the MCC decided to blame a rather large great dane in case the tourists from Oz were upset. However on closer inspection of the CCT TVs the shadowy figure of a man in a flat green cap could be made out. It looked suspiciously like Ricky the sledger Ponting.

Has the great game sunk to this ?
Click to expand...

Well ... no actually - it was sunk by an Australian precedent in 1981.

But ... re: the manure ...

It may well have been a kangaroo ... but their droppings resemble those of sheep, so if a Great Dane got the nod, it was possibly not a kangaroo at all.

I haven't examined the scene of the crime, but circumstantial evidence favours the theory that this was the product of English batsmen facing Australian bowling.

Finally the English cricketing powers that be, have performed a feat to equal Trevor Chappell's infamous under-arm bowl to the En-Zedder Brian McKechnie in 1981. That particularly nasty piece of sportsmanship was not the brain-child of Chappell alone. I suspect higher powers made the decision in order to prevent McKechnie from hitting a six and thus costing Australia the match.

Similarly we saw the Pom's ticker collapse, and they stalled for time in order to force the draw. Same mould of poor sportsmanship as the 1981 Aussie incident. The only Pom with any real work ethic was, of course, Collingwood, whom I have named an honorary Aussie for his stout batting performance.

He was the only Pom who seriously attacked the leather with the willow, and whom I would have gladly given "man of the match" in the sense he displayed real gonads!

It was Collinwood who got the draw for the Poms!

The headlines should have read: "English cricket gets bradycardia at Cardiff"

I suspect that the manure in question may have come from the other 10 in the team! :mad::clap:
 
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No wonder the Brit Ladies won their Test match !! :clap:

This was overheard at the match with Oz

The despairing umpire was trying to control the ladies' cricket match. Preparing to give a guard to the opening Ozzie bat, he asked, 'What would you like?

Cheeky devil - 'I'll have two legs and loads of balls. . . by the way, that sight screen is filthy and is my hair OK?_
well I think it was the ladies match :D
 
A blond was walking by the travel agent and saw a sign that said Cruise for $29.
She walked in and plunked her money on the table.
The agent grabbed her, tied her to an inner tube and threw her into the river out back.

Another blond walked in a few minutes later, plunked down her money and she too was grabbed, tied to an inner tube and thrown into the river out back.

The current was swift, so she caught up with the first blond and they both floated together for a while.

She asked..."do they serve drinks on this cruise?"

The first blond said.... "they didn't last time."
 
Advice For Young Girlfriends

Advice For Young Girlfriends"

Q: How do I know if I'm ready for sex?
A: Ask your boyfriend. He'll know when the time is right. When it comes to love and sex, men are much more responsible, since they're not as emotionally confused as women. It's a proven fact.

Q: Should I have sex on the first date?
A: YES. Before if possible.

Q: What exactly happens during the act of sex?
A: Again, this is entirely up to the man. The important thing to remember is that you must do whatever he tells you without question. Sometimes, however, he may ask you to do certain things that may at first seem strange to you. Do them anyway.

Q: How long should the sex act last?
A: This is a natural and normal part of nature, so don't feel ashamed or embarrassed. After you've finished making love, he'll have a natural desire to leave you suddenly and go out with his mates to play golf. Or
perhaps another activity, such as going out with his friends to the pub for the purpose of consuming large amounts of alcohol and sharing a few personal thoughts with his mates. Don't feel left out -- while he's gone you can busy yourself by doing laundry, cleaning the flat, or perhaps even going out to buy him an expensive gift. He'll come back when he's ready.

Q: What is "afterplay?"
A: After a man has finished making love, he needs to replenish his manly energy. "Afterplay" is simply a
list of important activities for you to do after lovemaking. This includes lighting his cigarette, making him a sandwich or pizza, bringing him a few beers, or leaving him alone to sleep while you go out and buy him an expensive gift.

Q: Does the size of the ***** matter?
A: Yes. Although many women believe that quality, not quantity, is important, studies show this is simply not true. The average erect male ***** measures about three inches. Anything longer than that is extremely rare and if by some chance your lover's sexual organ is four inches or over, you should go down on your knees and thank your lucky stars and do everything possible to please him, such as doing his laundry, cleaning his flat, or buying him an expensive gift.

Q: What about the female orgasm?
A: What about it? There's no such thing. It's a myth.
 
Subject: Confessions

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the
bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.

She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is
in there already.

The little boy says, "Dark in here."

The man says, "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball."

Man - "That's nice."

Boy - "Want to buy it?"

Man - "No, thanks."

Boy - "My dad's outside."

Man - "OK, how much?"

Boy - "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
in the closet together.

Boy - "Dark in here."

Man - "Yes, it is."

Boy - "I have a baseball glove."

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"

Boy - "$750"

Man - "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's
go outside and have a game of catch."

The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

Boy - "$1,000"

The father says, "That's t! ! errible to overcharge your friends like
that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to
take you to church and make you confess."

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that sh*t again."
 
Golf Club

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.

A phone on a bench begins to ring so a man answers it and engages the hands free speaker function, beginning to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello."

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the golf club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I'm out shopping and I've found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £5,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure - go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2009 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000."

MAN: "Really, go for it? But at that price make sure you get it with all the extras!"

WOMAN: "Thank you honey! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer."

WOMAN: "They're asking for £950,000."

MAN: "Go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, just go straight to £1,000,000 because it's really what you want."

WOMAN: "OK, I'll see you later baby - I love you so much!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room look at him in astonishment.

He then turns and asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"
 
Dreamin... dreamin.... !!

At last Gordon Brown was persuaded to resign and his cabinet colleagues decided it would be a worthy gesture to name a railway locomotive after him in commemoration of his term as Prime Minster. So a senior minister went to the National Railway Museum at York to investigate the possibilities. The curator told him that there were a number of locomotives without names, any of which would be available. But he pointed out that they were all freight locomotives. The minister was appalled. "Good Heavens, we couldn’t use a freight locomotive to bear the name of the man who saved the world. It would be most inappropriate."

He looked around and pointed to an impressive engine. "How about that big green one over there - the one with number 4472 on its side?" "That's already got a name", said the curator. "It's called 'The Flying Scotsman'." "Couldn't it be renamed?" asked the minister. "After all, this is a national museum and funded by the taxpayer." "I suppose it might be considered," said the curator. "LNER renamed a number of their locomotives after company directors. And one was even changed to 'Dwight D Eisenhower'."

"Excellent", said the minister, "So that's settled then. We will rename number 4472. But we can't spend too much given the expenses scandal. How much will it cost?" "To rename 'The Flying Scotsman'? Hardly anything at all. We’ll just paint out the 'F'."
 
JUST TEN YEARS AGO!!!

Before the computer age,


An APPLICATION was for employment.


A PROGRAMME was a television show.


WINDOWS were something you hated to clean.


A KEYBOARD was a piano.


MEMORY was something you lost with age.


A CD was a bank account.


COMPRESS was something you did to garbage.


LOG ON was adding wood to a fire.


A HARD DRIVE was a long trip on the road.


A MOUSE PAD was where a mouse lived.


CUT you did with scissors.


PASTE you did with glue.


A WEB was a spider's home.


And a VIRUS was a flu !!!!!
 
Only recently there was an almighty traffic jam in Parliament Square. It turned out that when Gordon gets upset, like after PM's question time he likes to run round and round in circles outside yelling. Well after losing the recent bye-election he ran for so long he was exhausted. A man just arriving at the traffic jam asked a stationary taxi driver what the problem was.

"Gordon was so upset" he said "that he was threatening to kill himself, so to help him along a bit we all decided to have whip round"

"So how much did you collect for him says the man?"

" Well ", said the taxi driver "we have about 40 litres already but some are still syphoning - Gotta match mate ?"
 
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A vacancy came up in the Govt after Gordon resigned and Harriet had taken over. She decided to advertise it. Two men answered it. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the House than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about politics. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the Government was doing very well. Then one day, the Harriet said to the new guy, "You have done a really good job and the polls look great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The gay guy readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no sign of him. He returned around two-thirty and found the Harriet sitting by the fireplace. She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as he was told.
Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down and off.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes to town again, I'll fire you on the spot."
 
Oldie ... but Goodie!

INSTALLING A HUSBAND (notes)

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a
distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the
flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under
Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs,
such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such
as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes
the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these
problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download
Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install theGuilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then
automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband
1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5,Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download
the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law
1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize
control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0
program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband
1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited
memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider
buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We
recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck Babe!
Tech Support
 
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