Windlesham, this is horrific, but it is not your fault. On first inspection this appears to be a very curious statement. I will explain it to you stage by stage. What happens is that you using the ordinary persona you use in ordinary life have stumbled upon the very unique situation that your life experiences to date (a ) have not prepared you for and
(b) once you are in it do not allow you to get out of it. It is a horrible dilemma.
It is not as a result of stupidity. Not at all. Because if you were stupid, you would have ventured to develop this outcome wlifully.This is obviously not the case. What has happened is that the outcome has overwhelmed you. This happens to perffectly intelligent and rational and well educated people all the time.
It does not necessarily mean that if you posess the aforementioned attributes you are exonerated from making these blunders. Not at all, because your intentions are positive to start with, and there is nothing wrong with that. What happens is that suddenly you are delivered an information shock for which you are not prepared.
This means
(a) you do not expect it
(b) the outcome you experience is not the one you expect and
(c) when you do find yourself in this ambush you are well and truly ambushed, meaning you know what you OUGHT to do but are unable to carry it out.
This does not mean you are a masochist or self destructive, it is a symptom of your inability to deal with a situation. You cannot deal with this situation because you are PREVENTED from doing so. This is not your fault. You are trying to deal with scenarios through your humanistic persona.
Your humanistic persona is not constructed to deal with information shocks of this type. Your humanistic persona is constructed to deal with problems which are repairable. This problem is not repairable at all. In fact it is a corrosive and deteriorating problem with the potential for it to get much worse.
In fact part of the information shock is that it is not repairable. The realisation through all this is that it is not repairable, but viewed through the perspective of the humanistic persona is a contradiction, and viewed as an affront.
The humanistic persona is not constructed to overcome contradiction, the humanistic persona is constructed to be in harmony with being right, not wrong. The humanistic persona's main role in life is to preserve life, that is life itself. This response in human beings causes us to do everything possible to survive, to stay alive.
Peversely the humanistic persona views all experiences as formative, and accumulates a catalogue of experiences that are recalled which can be identified as being life threatening, and when it encounters as scenario like the one above for which it is not constructed a template it persists in trying to protect you the only way it knows how to, whcih is by insisting you are right, because being right is closely related to being able to survive, even in this case when you are clearly wrong.
Now what happens is that an emotion becomes attached to this thinking. Emotions have the faculty of disabling logical deduction and reasoning, and in doing so THE ABILITY TO ACT, and not just the mere ability to act, BUT TO ACT IN ACCORDANCE WITH THIS REASONING.
In this kind of theatre, you may actually experience the desire to get out but your ability to act in accordance with your reasoning is also disconnected. However when the level of pain is so great that it is as if it were life threatening, then this is the trigger that forces you to act and not logical deduction, desire to do so, or the ability to act on its own. It is a sort of knee jerk reaction rather than a planned response.
You have come to the right thread to discuss this. At this point in this discussion i am going to stop because this is as far as it can be taken now. You have to absorb this and come back to me and we can progress this further. It is solveable I promise, and you must crack it otherwise it will crack you. I am sorry I have been off for a few days with a very nasty virus but I am now much better.