At this point it is totally impossible that I'll go to work tomorrow either. And now I am starting to feel guilty, also because I won't be calling them tomorrow either to say that I am sick (of them) or anything. But they got me into this mess by overloading me with work. So... it's up to them. They either start treating me better, and give me less work, or they might as well fire me. Because I can't keep on going like this: i'd die or go on a shooting rampage. All those who have sent me work are supposed to be feeling pretty guilty right now. The whole compliance department should be feeling guilty for going on long coffee breaks while I was busy doing pivot tables, working on databases and statistics for them all.
The thing these people don't understand and cannot understand is that it takes focus to work on excel. If I work on a table for you and I do it in 15 minutes, it doesn't mean that I'll make 40 tables in 8 hours, because I won't be able to produce that much reasoning without overheating my own brain, and burning out like a computer processor. They actually know, and that is why they refuse to learn to do this work, so I can do it for them. It's funny. Those who can do, do. Those who can't do, attend meetings and take decisions for us who work. You get hired, you can't do anything, so they say "well, let's make him the boss, since he can't do anything".
Well, the boss and the aspiring bosses will have to understand that I am tired of reasoning. X work in one hour does not mean X work times 8 in 8 hours. The brain cannot take it. Their brain doesn't do anything at all, so why are they asking me to destroy my brain with all their demands? I still remember those clueless looks on their faces when they ask me to do something for them, and I replied "look, I can't process this much information... I am not going to do any more tables for you guys, since you are not part of my office and this task belongs entirely to you". They looked at me as if they had no one else to turn to, and that's part of where my anxiety comes from: these people have become dependent on me. They haven't learned to do it themselves, and they cannot do it without me, but the CEO and those other guys (don't know the terms in English) ask for the reporting and the reporting comes from me, so if I stop doing the work I've been doing, ten people will be screwed. Yet they keep on asking for more and more, and I am not even part of their office... it's a total disaster: nothing works here, and the few people who do their job get burdened with everyone else's tasks.
And obviously there comes a point when a guy like me, getting paid less than all these slackers, half as much as them, says "enough". I get paid less than you, you go on coffee breaks, and I get nervous breakdowns to make you look good with the reporting and statistics?
Big part of this problem was caused by me. If I didn't get offended all my life by my dad, I wouldn't feel insecure. If I didn't feel insecure I wouldn't enjoy so much to feel needed by people, thereby helping them and making them become dependent on me. I am the one who was kind to them and produced the work for them all along. They relied on me, and now there's like 20 people who come to me to get their work done and I can't take it any more. I should have told them, months ago, "no", "no", "no, this I can't do", "no, I don't have time", and if they insisted "screw you". But I didn't. And now, all at once, I disappear. It's not good. I should have been firm and say "no", when the work was getting too much. It's a new situation for me, and they kept coming from all directions asking me for help... I didn't have any panic attacks - I just didn't show up, as I usually do in these situations.
Another cause of all this is my inability to preserve capital, to use proper money management, maybe of wanting too much too soon, because otherwise I wouldn't be here with 7k, since i was at 24k over a year ago. I would be able to quit by now. And no one would be in trouble. I saw that the amount of work was increasing. I saw that the rest of my office was falling behind. I wasn't falling behind and I didn't care about the fact that the rest was falling behind. But then somehow their problems were passed to me, because they gave me more and more work, while they still kept on going for frequent coffee breaks. They didn't get anxious about their work not being done, and instead gave it to me. When I think of this, I think I am doing the best thing by not going for a couple of days and letting them feel some anxiety and panic for the fear of having to deal with work themselves.
Oh, man... what a ridiculous situation. It's funny and crazy... my dad knocking on the door asking me how I am doing and yet he's the cause of the whole problem. And he continues to contribute to my anxiety which is the whole problem. By telling me about inflation tonight, and by asking me how I am in the morning, in a vain attempt to make me go to work, which he'll try tomorrow again. When he'll come and knock, I'll still be typing.
The problem is that if he tries to make me go, I'll not only refuse to go - since I always make sure to do the opposite of what he asks - but I'll also be unable to sleep the next night.
Everything could just be solved if he gave me 100k and let me invest it for 6 months. That's all I'd need. I could quit my job, and solve his worries about impending catastrophes as well.
Besides, his asking me how I am doesn't make any sense. If it weren't for the anxiety he passed on to me, I would be fine. So if he really cared, he should stay away from me instead of knocking on my door and telling me about impending catastrophes. If he wanted to help me he'd stay away from me.
And tomorrow that mother ****er will still come and knock on my door and ask me how I am and if I am planning to go to work.
