my journal 3

idea2develop

This is more or less how it's going to be.

I have 36 good systems to enable/disable.

The first third (12), roughly, are the small ones. The second third is the medium ones. And the third third is the big ones (gold and silver). I am talking in terms of both potential drawdown and margin.

The first and second group are already enabled, with a mere capital of 10k. As I said, this is risky, but I can only wait so long, as the first group only makes 1000 a month, and I can't wait forever. There's so only so much risk you can get rid of, because otherwise you could simply not invest at all. With this present setup I am aware that I have a 20% chance of blowing out my account. But the alternative to doing it, is a shooting rampage at the office. So everyone will be grateful if I succeed and quit my job.

After I will reach... 20k, I could consider doubling up on the best ones of the small ones.

At 30k, I could have all the small ones doubled up.

At 40k, I should, roughly, triple up the contracts of the best of the small ones.

Then, at 50k, comes the doubling up of the best of the medium group.

Then, at 60k, i should enable the best of the big ones.

Then, at 70k, all the big ones.

Of course, if I fall from 70k to 60k, I should disable the worst of the big ones, and if I fall from 60k to 50k, I should disable all of the big ones. And so on.

This is what I mean by fixed fractional for futures. I can't get lost in the jargon, and dwell on the exact name for what I am doing. But it's still far better than what I was advised to do by some big scientist, a trader with excellent scientific academic background, whom I was working with.

In other words I cannot be risking a max loss of 20k per trade on a silver system, when all the other systems are risking 1k at worst. Before allowing such a system to eat big chunks of my capital, I should have all the smaller systems risking the same amounts, via multiple contracts.

This is another thing the investors and i screwed up a year ago: i was given a large capital and had behind me a long lasting profit, and we all made the mistake of not only 1) enabling the big contracts that were risking 10k while the best small systems were risking 500 (what a huge mistake), but also 2) we didn't disable them on our way down, so that we made a couple of mistakes in selecting these systems, and pretty quickly, in just a month and a half, the big systems killed all our profit of a year.
 
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Ok, the two evil guests have officially left, I've recovered the doorkey under the doormat, i've ignored the last two text messages from the lady guest, and now I've been invited to lunch by my aunt and family, so my cousin and his girlfriend are there, too.

Now it's time to verify if I can function as my old self, or I've turned so antisocial that i can't even interact with my relatives. Not that these are my favorite relatives, but they're not the worst ones either.

Time to see if I still have any social skills left.
 
Ok, today i finally did what i had to do yesterday, which is the 2 kilometers I was planning to do early in the morning:

island.jpg

The guests finally left, so I am starting to relax.

All hell must have broken loose in rome, because my dad's secretary wrote me a text message saying "call me", and I deleted that one, too. She's the one who introduced me both the freeloading lady and the homo sapiens.

So they must have complained to her that I wasn't replying to them, but I ain't getting in touch with her or they'll immediately know what I am thinking. They must think that I am crazy, or that they don't deserve to know. They must not engage in a discussion with me on what went wrong, whose fault it is, who has to apologize. I know these dick heads. They'll start by saying that they're worried for me, then, depending on the reply, they'll strike the conversation, and incidentally insult me for everything wrong on earth. I ain't falling for that. No contact whatsoever.

So far I am collected a total of eight unanswered text messages from these three people. Are they going to call the police because I don't reply to them? Am I going to be arrested? My last text message to them was "enjoy your vacation, leave me alone, i won't bother you". The message is pretty clear. The vacation is over, so now the rule is "leave me alone". What is wrong with not ever knowing these two guys? Why do we have to get in touch and argue. I paid for their vacation, mostly. Now why don't they leave me alone and pretend they never met me? Nope. They need to get in touch with me to argue about something. And then, obviously, they still want to be friends. My idea instead is 1) let's not argue and 2) let's not be friends.

I'm telling you, homo sapiens wants to have me whacked if I don't reply to his messages, which at the moment have totalled five. And since i do not want to reply, the easiest thing now is to not reply to anyone: if I don't reply to 3 people, they're going to be ok. It's like i am crazy - hopefully that's what they'll think.

...

So, today I swam to the whale-shaped rock, and i climbed it, and while i was sitting on top of it, looking at the horizon, I was thinking... about fixed fractional, but also about inviting a former girlfriend here, because if it works, now i'll have some extra money. But then I said to myself: hey, remember the past experiences, and never invite anyone ever again here. I could to switzerland if she promises that we'll have sex.

Then, as i was thinking about fixed fractional or about how i should phrase my offer to visit only if we have sex... then I saw some dolphins, by the lighthouse, pretty close to me, but not close enough to resume swimming and swim with them. Or rather, it was sunset and I don't like to go into deep water with the dolphins when i can't see if there's... any danger coming my way. This fear of getting eaten by a shark is a huge limit - i know. No one ever died from a shark around here, but I saw that movie, and like for everyone else, it doesn't help me relax while swimming.

My friend - the dolphins are quite rare here, but my friend last year managed to take a picture of them:

dolphins.gif

"Friend" actually means "former friend" and "former guest", because all guests become "former friend" as soon as I host them.
 
Ok, it is time to use my blender to see what my chances of blowing out will be for next week. I think i've done it before for this combination of systems, but I'll double-check:

75.jpg

Since I can only lose 3000 before I have to stop trading what I am trading now, I have a 75% chance of not losing more than that, and therefore I have a 75% of making it. Blowing out probability is not exactly 25%, because even at 7k, I still have some chances of making money with the systems that are still trading... but well, this combination of 23 systems has a 75% chance of making it, without being stopped basically. I am pretty satisfied.

The blender mixes trades basically, and i keep mixing them until I see that a given percentage sticks and keeps repeating itself. The reason why is that you could simply have been lucky not just in the sequence of trades of a given system but, in the same way, in the sequence of trades of all systems combined.
 
I am tired. You know, I think what really wore me out is this guy, homo sapiens. I am not used to being pursued by gay dudes, and especially not insistingly like he did, and now I understand my cousin who developed panic attacks, because of a one night stand girl who kept harassing him.

Even if someone doesn't do anything heavy, like touching you, you can read it in his eyes, and it bothers you that much more if it's a man pursuing you, who aren't gay.

As if this weren't enough, he did touch my hair, and i didn't appreciate that. And then he told me that i am "bello", as mentioned several times, and that i appreciated even less. I thought sensitive people were always a good thing (and gays are very sensitive), but in this case I find sensitive people scary.

I don't know if it's good or bad, but basically he now thinks that i went crazy, or freaked out about him using my computer... or who know what else, and I'd also like to think that it was about them being rude to my grandmother's maid and similar, but it's mostly about the fact that he's gay and that he... was after me. It feels really humiliating to be the subject of a homosexual pursuit, if you know what i mean, but probably you don't. I feel like my manhood is in doubt: how could he ever think that I'd be interested? And if you thought I wasn't gay, why did you even spend one minute entertaining the thought?

The freeloading bitch, on the other hand, one night said "i am going to bed, you guys do whatever you want..." in an allusive tone, and i'll never forgive her for saying something like that. It's not a joke you do in a situation like this.

Once again, i am not racist. If I hated an american, I'd call him a "stupid american". If I were in a heated conversation with an italian i'd call him "stupid italian". And a woman whom i hate i call "bitch". And this gay, who, unknowingly, bothered me so much, I call "homo sapiens". This doesn't mean that i dislike all americans, all italians, all women nor all gays. I am sure you get my point, whoever is reading it.

Insulting someone from a group, even with a racist term, doesn't necessarily mean you will be racist or insult everyone from that group.

Furthermore i never insulted him to his face, and actually this freeloading bitch brought up the subject on that occasion with that remark, whereas I never even brought it up in all this time.

And I didn't even direct any anger at him, but I simply stopped seeing both, after paying for their housing. I would say that I now have the right to be left alone, and not be harassed any longer, especially considering that I am not gay. And this guy is actually somewhat guilty of pursuing a person when he doesn't even know that he's gay. It's like... almost like me going after a teenage girl (too young for me): there is some guilt in going after the wrong partner: what the ****, dude, do you expect me to become gay just to be able to date you? What the **** is your problem? Why the **** did you even come on vacation with me if the only reason was that you are gay and want a homosexual relationship with someone who isn't homosexual.

He didn't like the place. He didn't care at all about meeting my relatives and the maid, who's like a relative. He didn't care about swimming. He didn't care about trekking. He only cared about being with me, and I am not gay. So why the **** did you come? He really set himself up for what happened as soon as i realized the situation i was in. What else did you expect me to do? I am sure this has happened a lot of times in your life, dude, given that for some reason you expect people whom you are attracted to, to suddenly turn gay to fit your plans.

All in all, i can tell you this for sure: i have no problem with gays, none at all, except in the case they're attracted to me. Those cases did happen, three or four times, and each time... actually sometimes it was even funny, because these two guys were quite older, and i thought they were just friends, and then they seemed to want to hug me or similar, so i hugged them and said "but, look, i am not gay...". So basically i didn't even feel harassed like in this case. I don't know what's different. In this case, I feel harassed. Maybe because this guy is intelligent, he's my age, and he's perfectly normal otherwise (except for his questionable connections, as i mentioned). So it's like... let me think what it is.

It is not clear why the others... oh, wait, maybe it's this. This guy 1) insists more and 2) I have a much closer relationship with, because he's a friend of my dad's secretary, and that's why she sent me a text message saying "call me". Of course I can't call her and tell her the truth, nor can I call her and hear either of these:

1) that i have to apologize to keep my two friends.
2) that i have to hear their apologies to me and keep being friends with them

As you can see the problem is that I do not want to keep a relationship with them, so I should neither apologize nor hear any apologies. And therefore I should avoid all contact with them and with the secretary.
 
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new week

The systems are working fine.

No new text messages from the team that ruined my first week of vacation.
 
The below videos and "Operation Northwoods", have completely sealed the deal for me; that 9/11 was without doubt carried out by a higher intelligence within the US government. It's just too bleedin' obvious!! Thanks Travis for drawing attention to this subject.

9/11 New HQ Military Plane Footage - Undeniable new 9/11 WTC DRONE PLANE PROOF - YouTube

(2012) WTC 100% MILITARY PLANE PROOF WITNESSES (NEW EVIDENCE) PART 1 - YouTube

Operation Northwoods was a series of false-flag proposals that originated in 1962 within the United States government, and which the Kennedy administration rejected. [2] The proposals called for the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA), or other operatives, to commit acts of terrorism in U.S. cities and elsewhere. These acts of terrorism were to be blamed on Cuba in order to create public support for a war against that nation, which had recently become communist under Fidel Castro.[3]

Operation Northwoods - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
 
Yes, you're welcome and thanks for the feedback. Within the truth movement we can't expect ourselves to agree on every little detail. We all agree that the government was involved and that it wasn't Bin Laden. We might have some disagreement on the details on how the controlled demolition happened and on what (if anything) hit the towers and the Pentagon (for example, I am a "no-planer": i don't believe there were any planes involved, but it was all video fakery), but these are small differences and what matters is the conclusion we reach about what the US government has been doing not just on 911, but, as you'll investigate further (i also began with 911), you will find out in many other instances: 1993 world trade center bombing, waco siege, oklahoma city bombing, colorado batman shootings, jfk assassination (and his brother robert, and his son, and martin luther king), moon landings, aids, big oil, big pharma, federal reserve... basically the last 100 years of US history are filled with more lies than truths. If you'll keep on investigating, like i did in the last six months, you will soon find out that The Matrix wasn't just a movie, but it explained the present world. The first thing to do when you realize this, is to unplug yourself from the matrix, by turning off your tv, or better throwing it away, and stop buying newspapers, and use alternative media, such as alex jones and the others.

Now that you've opened your eyes on 911, this is the agenda of the powers that be for us. You might be ready to hear this aaron russo's interview on his converation with one of the Rockefellers:

Aaron Russo And Nick Rockefeller - YouTube
 
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Ok, went swimming and swam quite a bit, over an hour. With a friend/distant relative of mine. His strength is that he doesn't stop. I can swim for longer and i can swim faster (because I use fins, which he doesn't), but my rythm sucks. If I am alone, I tend to interrupt my style, especially because I am afraid of jellyfish and i need to monitor what's ahead. Whereas, with him, we just keep going and going. I'll do more later.

In the meanwhile I received another message from the secretary, belonging to the team that ruined my vacation. Ninth message that I am neither reading nor answering.

Making 200 dollars with the systems. I have reached a point, once again, where I make more money from the systems than from my job. Let's hope to stay there, with my capital intact.
 
Excellent day. Capital now at 11500. I am now quite far from the probability of blowing out, which I estimate at... 10%. The maximum capital i've ever had in 2012 was 13k, so this is really an important time for me. I feel that I can actually make it and play the game, the automated game again. This could be a dream come true.

And, the more capital i have, the less I am wishing for financial collapse. Funny.

When I had nothing to lose, just a few weeks ago, I was hoping for the financial collapse to happen as quickly as possible. Eventually, if things keep going like this, I might apply for membership to the bilderberg club. I guess that applies to everyone else, too. Not, let's not generalize. For example, foster gamble is super-rich, but he made Thrive and put everything he has on the line for the benefit of us mortals.
 
Back. Now I almost can't sleep from how good i am feeling. Hey, i made a 200% return in 2 weeks.

On September 1st, all I had was 4000, and now I am close to 12k.

Furthermore, the guests left, and I feel so good about this, that I almost feel sorry for them.

They talked to the secretary by the way, who talked to my dad and spoke of my "physical deterioration" - ah ah, now they're worried for my health! There is this story about vegans who supposedly become angry people, because they're not eating enough. Little do they know that a large part of the reason I avoided them in the last 2 days, is that this guy, on top of being rude and all the other things I mentioned, is gay and wanted to have a homo sapiens relationship with me.

This might partly explain my irrational behaviour, much better than the vegan theory. And the fact that he told me that I am good-looking and the fact that he touched my head, jokingly, but he did touch it. I don't like to be no one's pet or sex toy. You don't have permission to touch my head.

Of course I didn't say anything, but one and one gives two, and then if you add a couple more things, also the bitch who said "i am going to bed, you guys do whatever you want". Nice joke to say in a situation like ours.

Basically, you both go to hell, and leave me alone. Using my computer... all these things added up, and I gave my final judgment, and failed them.

So now they think it's my diet that made me avoid them in the last two days.

What sucks is that they're not mad, nor offended. They play like they're worried for me. Damn. I wanted them to be offended and stay away from me.

I know the whole story ahead: they'll try to get in touch with me, saying that they're worried, then - according to their expectations - i will answer something, conversation will start again, and they'll be my friends again. Or maybe they just want some apologies. As long as I remember these days, and my paranoia about this homo sapiens relationship attempted on me, I must resist the urge to be polite and answer any text messages. And if they show up in the street below, I must not speak to them. That's pure harassment if it happens.

Yeah, i know, I said i was happy, and now I am complaining and showing anger. I have this mental structure and habit. If I don't complain i feel uncomfortable.

I should relax in the next few days ahead, most likely perfect days, but instead I am not just thinking about the awful days behind me, but also about the awful days ahead, after my vacation will end.

I am thinking about the office, the yelling boss... ok, I know, basically I only get along with cab drivers, for those ten minutes of the ride. I only enjoy 10-minutes relationships.

And by the way, I don't like my roommate, and I am not eager to meet him when I come back. I wish him some health problem and a long stay at the hospital, as I often wish him.

And I wish the same to my boss, actually I wish him death or close to it.

I am now thinking of how this potential money from my trading could improve my life. I am wondering which I should do between drugs, and prostitution, if any.

After seeing that documentary on that drug... scopolamine, and how the prostitutes drug their clients and steal everything they have and sometimes kill them... prostitution doesn't sound like a good idea anymore.

Pot sounds good still, but it's too much work to get in touch with drug dealers.

What is left? What can i do with my time and money?

I could go on weekend trips.

Like one for visiting my relatives in another city, where I never go: i could take a ship there. I've always liked travelling by ship, for the sake of it%
 
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Yeah, my mom came yesterday and this morning, for a change, I had a problem with a guest - actually she owns the house, so i am the guest. Well, basically she woke me up two hours early relative to the time I'd have slept 8 hours.

Then, since she woke me up, i said let's go swimming, and we went to the whale-shaped rock, my favorite one, posted previously.

Some jellyfish on the way, but not those that sting.

Those two evil guests didn't have the problem of waking me up early. I can't blame them for that. And they were more orderly than my mom, but you can forgive a lot of things to your relatives, the closer they are, the more you can forgive.

So, she's probably even worse than my two evil guests, but I am not hating her, not yet at least.

My conclusion is that I should only be around relatives, so whatever I give, I give to them, and then i'll probably get something back, too. And they "love" me, and I like them back.

Relatives are the way to go. Friends are to be avoided, especially new friends. I am not talking about those friends on the internet, because you can control that type of relationship. I am talking about friends you have to host in your house or nearby for several days - that's not going to work, at least for the way I am. I should stick to being with relatives from now on, people who know me since I was a child.

Using "microsoft paint", I did a painting of me swimming and getting sunburned:

Snap1.jpg

The systems are losing about 200 dollars for the day.

I received another message from the evil freeloading bitch. She's probably blaming me for something, or she's trying the strategy of "I am so worried for you", after which I'll say I am fine (which I won't) and she'll switch into the phase two of "I am so hurt by your behaviour", after which, if I apologize (which I won't), there's phase three, "it's ok, let's meet for dinner", which, to be forgiven, i have to pay.
 
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damn.

Now that the evil guests have left, I am getting into new paranoias, about the locals this time, who are my relatives, too. Distant relatives.

My neighbours are close relatives, but the locals at the island are the distant relatives.

So basically she was there in the living room and we were talking about the guests I had problems with, and she said "at your age..." and that really freaked me out, because I did think about it before: getting old. So, even though all she was saying is that at my age I shouldn't make mistakes in picking my guests, which is already an unfair statement, what I understood is that she was really thinking something broader: at my age, I should be married, at my age, I shouldn't be carefree, but with children, who are giving me a hard time, at my age, I don't know what else, and maybe at my age I shouldn't even go down to the seashore wearing my shorts. So I asked her what she really meant by that absurd remark. I said like: let's dig deeper into this remark, because I've heard it before, from you, and in the previous years.

Year after year, she somewhat blames me for staying the same. This is awful for me, because whereas I want to stay the same, and swim, and not care... at the same time I do care about what the people at the beach and the locals think of me. I don't want to be ridiculous.

So I asked: am i doing anything else wrong, "at my age"? Do you feel that I am immature in other ways? Should i be married? Is it ok if I go swimming or should I wear something special, should i wear a different swimsuit?

Yep. I was right and there was stuff on her mind (my distant relative, daughter of my grandfather's cousin) but then she didn't dare to say it.

Instead she and another aunt asked if i was making fun of them, but that was a cop out.

So eventually the distant aunt left, and I kept questioning my other aunt, and she said just one small thing, I guess for starters. And it is the fact that I walk barefoot to the beach.

She said that gets noticed, and goddamn it i knew it, now I am not supposed to walk barefoot because at my age I cannot be eccentric. That ****ing sucks.

It's about living in society, around people, and not owning your own island or even just a boat, so you can walk barefoot. A child can walk barefoot if he wants to, a teenager can, too. An adult cannot do jack****.

It hurts. But it would hurt more to get laughed at, so I'm going to be normal in this respect, because I don't like to get noticed. So I'll walk barefoot whenever I can, and when I go to the beach I'll wear the goddamn useless sandals. Or I won't go to the beach.

According to these people, you have to marry, then you have to grow a belly, then you have to get old, stay home, drink beer, be with your family... travel with your family...

Other than this content, this post is also to witness the fact that as soon as my evil guests left, I found new enemies and new problems to deal with.

I could have postponed the age debate, I could have postponed this worry, I could have said to myself "she's stupid" and kept doing things my way, regardless of her opinion, but hell no: I had to create a new paranoia to keep my head busy. I am like a factory that needs problems as a raw material and keeps working on them until it produces solutions. My reason to exist is to solve problems. Forget happiness: I was raised to fix things, and... anyway **** the sandals. Let them think I am being inappropriate. Or I won't go to the beach. I am not wearing sandals if I don't need them.

The next thing you know is that I will be part of the sheeple again, because it's inappropriate to have your own thoughts, and you can't play frisbee because you're past the age of playing frisbee.

Once again, the problem is that I am right but at the same time wrong. If I were alone on this earth, I would be right and I could do whatever I want. But I am not alone. There's these other animals. And if they think you can't do this, and you care what they think, then you can't do it. So, if I care, I am doing something wrong right now. And if I don't care, then I am right. So basically, by definition, if you think you're right, you are right, because you're ruling out their opinion. And if you think you're wrong, then it means you start caring what they think, and then by definition, you're wrong in doing anything that is not approved by the majority of the locals.

It is also interesting also that I am not worried of what other people think, as far as my conspiracy theories, and I will repeat them in their face, and call them stupid sheeple if they don't believe me. But if they tell me that I should wear sandals to the beach, then i care. I might not wear them still, but I'll be conscious of this and sorry that they don't approve of me. I always cared to be dressed according to normal standards, I never wanted to be noticed for the way i dress or behave - but I never cared about being noticed for what I think. So i have a tendency to conform as far as appearances, and not conform at all as far as substance and content.

I'm going to be busy thinking about the locals for the next few days, and my relationship with them. It might even turn into a bigger problem than these two evil guests who just left.
 
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idea2develop

Wow. If this is me on vacation, I think I am about to go crazy. Vacation used to be when I was at my top, and that meant being carefree. That meant playing with my cousins, joking, climbing, jumping, diving, with no one saying anything other than nice things about me.

This is history now that I am older, and not a student anymore. Now I have shorter vacations and people passing judgments if they see you too carefree for your age. You can't be too cheerful or carefree: you're supposed to be an adult, to be serious, married and worried about your children. If you don't have all that, then there's something wrong with you. This is pretty much how my distant aunt feels about me.

Furthermore, even without guests or relatives bothering me, two weeks is not enough to reach happiness or even just relaxation.

So, yeah, still obsessing about the relatives, and their comments.

Systems lost about 500 dollars.

Actually more like 600 dollars.

There is one spot left, a place where there is two people at the most, and it's here:

island.jpg

Yeah. When I go there, like I did today, there's no lifeguard talking to me about the bible for an hour, there's no distant aunt judging me for not being married yet, there's no aunt recommending to me to wear sandals... there's no one there. I am alone, with whoever else i bring along, and i have to fear no one, no judgments, no one staring. That's my new favorite place, now that i've become self-conscious.

Yeah, but it's not about age. It's about getting acquainted with this place.

This is a small place, and with this comes people knowing you, and with this comes less freedom to be how you want to be. Or rather you can be however you want, but you can't expect the people who know you to agree with you, can't expect their approval.

It happened ten years ago, just the same way.

You get here, and you're new, and no one knows you and no one cares about you. Then the relatives start recognizing you, saying "hi", and talking about you, and talking to you, and pretty soon you become a "local" again, especially if you're not distracted by having guests who are often foreigners, which adds to your being an outsider. And when you become a "local", you're both perceived as a local and you perceive yourself to be one, and then you start caring about their opinions.

Ten years ago, I remember the same questions from this aunt: how old is he? What is he doing here in september? You're not supposed to be on vacation when others aren't. Jesus. You have to hear questions or be called crazy if you're not conforming to the norm, which is being on vacation when there's thousands of people here rather than just a few dozens.

Doesn't matter that she's older than me and that she may have achieved nothing in her life: if she perceives me as a failure, a misfit, or similar, I am going to care. The only way I can be free and not care, is if I don't meet her, and the way to achieve that is to avoid the beach in front of the house and go to the rocks, the little hideouts i know. And in the middle of september, you're pretty much guaranteed that you'll be alone.

But other than this, it's hard to not care, given that she's related to you, and that you meet her often. She might be a retarded bitch, but she's lived here all her life, and her father left us in his will this property where we built these houses, so we are all grateful to her father and her family in general. I could never decide to ignore her. I am living on a land that was hers.

How sad, everything. Aging, losing freedom. At 10 you can do certain things, at 20 others... almost everything at 20, then you start losing your freedoms, one by one. You're supposed to be in college at this age. Oh, at this age you're supposed to be in graduate school or working. Oh, and at this age, you're supposed to be married or at least with a woman, and if you're not, then something is wrong with you. That's how she thinks. What if instead I have planned on living forever or at least deciding my own schedule? Nope, can't do it: she's going to look down on you. And she is like most of the world, i guess, except she speaks openly about her thoughts.

There, I've almost completely forgotten the home sapiens issues, and I am now focusing on this other worry, existential problem I would even call it. There are no enemies: there's just things that my mind focuses on, and decides to call them "problems": then I start obsessing about them and keep at it for weeks. My mind has been processing hundreds of these problems, sometimes the same ones, over and over again, periodically, and other times new ones, like with homo sapiens, all the guests who came here, on and on... this journal has witnessed at least dozens of these problems being described in detail, over and over again, in these posts. These problems don't affect others just because they don't think about them: they don't have the problems because they don't think about them, but they do have the same problems, only they don't bother to think about them. Not that I can solve anything anyway, but I like to think.

These damn people... from your birth till your death, you're supposed to follow their schedule. You've got to walk when others do, marry when it's time, then even die when you're old. Anything other than following the schedule is going to disappoint quite a few people, and at the very least they will talk and criticize you, even for not dying.

The only way out that I can think of is avoiding these people. And that's why this map is so important:

island.jpg

There's a spot in the map, marked by the red arrow, where all these rules do not apply, where there's no schedule nor expectations.

Although... i don't know if i should give in to these relatives and expectations and schedules either. Why can't i live in a way... in such a way that I am special and that no rules apply to me? Why can't I bend the rules. I am not saying I am demanding to be like a millionaire who marries a 18 year-old barbie girl. I am saying all I desire is to be able to not marry, to be able to swim here in the ocean, regardless of my age. To be like Burt Lancaster in the movie The Swimmer, which I always liked:


Who says that living in his fantasy world is worse than living in the real world, where you start a family, and embark on a journey full of endless trivial worries... I don't want to be a regular person, but also, i don't want regular people to be able to even judge me. They must not even see me. On the other hand, I want to be able to make friends with the good people who live immersed in society, such as the lifeguard I wrote about, the one who sees chemtrails all day long, and just wrote me an email about today's chemtrails, that I also saw. Today they really sprayed us here.

All in all, with all this thinking, with the trading that went so well, with the homo sapiens experience, with all the other reflections and experiences... this vacation was far better than the one i had last year with my highschool friends. The greatest common divisor last year was drinking beer.

I didn't relax, i worried for everyone, i paid for everyone, for the most expensive things.

This year was better. I liked it better. And probably i would have liked it better had i come alone to begin with, but I can't prove it. I would have been far more paranoid about the locals. So I am not sure if the guests weren't actually a positive influence, despite all the problems we've had.

Overall, I have pretty much decided that i won't invite anyone anymore. I owe it to the guests from this year and to the way we parted, and i owe it to my argument with the guests from last year. I owe it to the arguments with all the other friends i hosted the years before.

Until I'll decide that being with people is more important than having everything done perfectly, I should not subject any more people to psychological and verbal abuse. I don't want to hurt any more people until i'll be so intolerant and so unneedy of social interaction.

Then, whoever is desperate enough to seek my company (except homo sapiens) or interested enough in me to come all the way to meet me and put up with me, then I might make an exception. Other than that, I am taking a vow of solitude.
 
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nothing going on with the systems today, so far

went for a long swim when it was raining, and then the sun came out immediately, as soon as i entered the water: this means something - don't tell me it's a coincidence. Also, now that I came back home, the clouds are back. This clearly means the gods are with me.

And also i didn't wear any sandals, as planned

swam for 2 hours, and 2 kilometers in total

to the usual whale-shaped rock

then i stood on top of it, as usual, and admired the horizon

in the meanwhile, i was also thinking about my schedule for enabling and disabling systems as capital increased/decreased, and when i came home, I put it on excel:

Snap1.jpg

Yeah, a long long term plan, but it gives you a very clear idea of how i conceive the fixed fractional applied to my systems.

Of course, if all 36 systems had their maximum loss at the same time, then i'd still blow out my account, even with fixed fractional.
 
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Thanks. I hadn't posted it before. Right now I am having to save on bandwidth because I am still using my internet sticks, but in a few days I'll be back from this holiday and I will watch it.

It is certainly very useful for everyone interested in 911, from what I can tell by the title and some images (without having watched it yet).

Thanks for the document.
 
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Life still ticking and going by. Doesn't matter if you keep healthy and good-looking. People here are going to tell you're one year older, each summer they meet you. That's what my bitch distant aunt did yesterday. I still haven't forgotten that snake's remark. Totally uncalled for.

She meant: don't play the kid, because you're not. Don't be original, because at your age you have to be serious. Don't hang out with friends, because that's not the right age. You should be married by now. She probably even means to not go for long swims, because that's not the right age to be an athlete.

In one comment by one insensitive bitch relative, I felt all at once all the pressure from all the people who must have thought this but never told me.

I am still recovering from this... peer pressure.

I went for a walk in the town, across the bridge (this small island is connected via a bridge to the mainland), and I saw the tourists. The locals aren't around any more, they all went back to their italian hometowns. In late september there's just me and some northern european tourists. And i was thinking: would my aunt be satisfied if I was married with this lady, or this other lady, and have these children? Probably, after going through all this trouble, someone would still have something to say to me, so it's not worth it.

I'm planning on marrying a porn star like charlie sheen. These hollywood stars are allowed to get away with anything. I should have been a movie star. Then this aunt bitch would have been ok with any behaviour. Of course, with that kind of money, I'd have bought this island as well, and maybe kicked her out, and then she would complain about that, all day long.

She's got a nickname for everyone. She's criticizing... always criticizing the people living in this island, including her brother. Until now I had been exempted from this criticism. Now that i've become a victim of her, this snake, I feel self-conscious.

On the other hand, it's clear that i go from obsession to obsession, and after the two evil guests left the place, I spent 24 hours peacefully, and replaced them with an evil aunt.

When I'll go back to work, I'll focus on the evil boss, the evil bitch living next door, the evil screaming child neighbour who needs an exorcism... Every day there's someone I'm hating.

Vow of solitude, if i remember correctly. It is a pleasure to me and yet it's normally considered a sacrifice. Where do I go to avoid people or at least only see them when i want to, just like i can do on the internet?

The answer is:
1) big house in big city without a job
2) any house in a deserted place without a job

But I have a job, I live in a big city, and I have neighbours. Endless contact with people i don't want to see in rome. Here on vacation, there's the beach, which is close by and very comfortable, but there, too, there's people. On the other hand, as soon as I get into the water - all my worries are gone. There's only fish and jellyfish, and even getting stung by a jellyfish bothers me less than interacting with a snake relative.

And I've decided i'll swim at any age, regardless of what the snake has in mind for me, as a plan. What does she do? Well, every summer, all summer long, she stays by the seashore talking to other aunts, ah ah... pretty funny. Her plan for me is that I should get married, and read the newspaper on the seashore and watch the children play in the water. It bothers her that i swim for miles every day, and that i don't have concerns from the family i don't have. Every year she asks how old I am, and harasses me by reminding my age. She cannot stand to see me acting the same as when I was a teenager. It bothers me a lot to hear her. It sounds as if she were reminding that I am getting older and therefore getting closer to death. I don't do it back to her, because I am sensitive. But I am planning on avoiding her from now on. Snake.

Then of course, once again, I admit that I go from obsession to obsession. Is there something to solve here? Maybe not: no matter how much I think about this, it won't go away. The same with the neighbour. She's still slamming the door after 4 years.

Maybe i should work on my own obsessing about problems I cannot solve. If there's nothing to do, I will forget about these problems. I may get up and leave when she's talking. But no point in focusing so much about her, nor about my guests. More action, less thinking. I'm good with action, too, when I decide it's time for action. Well, now it's time for action. Less obsession, more action. The two evil guests: to be avoided and no more thinking about them. Same with most of these other problems. And my friends from highschool, too: I am done with those, too. No more inviting them and no more complaining about them. All problems solved.

But maybe, even though less than others, I need problems to solve to feel alive. Maybe i'll invite more people to argue with, because being alone without problems is more unbearable than being with people and complaining about them. Solitude and boredom may be worse than conflictual relationships. Maybe that's why people get married. I'm not exactly like that, because I fill most of my time with learning, but to some degree i am not immune from this mechanism.

idea2develop
 
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