my journal 3

[Yamato]

I'm home. Spent all afternoon away, thanks to a friend assisting me. We went to his house so I couldn't trade.

I've never been addicted to drugs but I've been addicted to: biting my fingernails, scratching my head, and today feels close to those first days, after stopping those behaviors.

I hope I'll get used to it again. I've been able to trade just automated for an entire year, when I was working with the investors, two years ago.

Twenty minutes to the close. Now I can check how my systems did today, without running the risk of relapsing into compulsive gambling.

...

They made about 200 dollars. Miraculously, I didn't even look at how JPY behaved today. I am out. He may go wherever he wishes. Our relationship is over, I wish him luck.

...

These are the last 24 weeks for the combination of systems that I am trading now:

4,899
1,278
156
1,502
-1,375
-5,336
836
-759
838
1,089
-56
1,293
-1,863
-1,809
-259
-144
-252
1,976
297
822
-962
1,375
970
3,053

Had I traded these for the entire 5 and a half months, the systems would have given me about 8k. Had I traded the others that I was trading, they... considering all the systems that I have actually been trading, the systems have given just about the same money as these would have.

So, I have made 8k with the systems and 20k with my discretionary trading.

Dividing these 8k by the 24 weeks I have been trading, it is only 333 dollars per week.

Instead of the 1500 I was expecting, according to the preceding period.

That's the best I can expect: 333 dollars per week.

It's pretty pathetic.

After weeks when I have made 10 thousand dollars, I don't know how i'll handle weeks when I'll make 333 dollars without feeling the urge to add some discretionary trades.

It will be very hard. The only way I'll achieve this is by not monitoring the systems at all.

Then of course, a little at a time, I'll be able to add some more systems, and things will change.

The trick is to pick systems that are healthy and will perform well, although they haven't performed spectacularly in the past. So far I have picked systems that have performed spectacularly, but that deliver only 25% of their past performance.

We'll see. For today I am very happy, because I know that, the way I was feeling, infallible and invincible, I would have blown out my account today.

There is no way I can repeat this past performance without the risk of blowing out my account.

I cannot keep on compounding the account at a monthly rate of 45% without an unbearable risk of blowing it out. It will start slowing down from here.

I have taken great risks, out of compulsion, to bring it here. Now I must keep myself from being compulsive, because with this capital, I could easily support myself and there is no point in taking any extra risks at this point.

Even if I only made 333 dollars per week, as in the worst predictions, that would be close to my monthly salary at the bank, and without having to leave the house, so I'd be saving on taxis and clothes.

If I can reach a capital of 50k, I will enable the silver systems, and allocate more contracts to the traded systems. The overall monthly profit could easily reach 2000 dollars per month, which would allow me to support myself and to set some money aside to add to my capital.

Let us get used not just to a slower % profit but also to a lower absolute profit. Let's just be happy with any profit at all from this point.

 

[Yamato]

Nothing much to say really. Woke up at 7 am, slept ok, and now I am calling these damn hospitals for my neurological exams.

No one's answering, as usual in Rome. They say 8 am to 12 am, but no one answers. Then if you dare to go to these places in person, they send you back home and tell you to call them. If you show up after 12 am, they tell you it's closed. If you show up before, they tell you to call them. If you call them, they don't answer. It's just awesome.

As a patient in Italy, you don't have any rights, and the most proper position for a patient, or for any citizen, is kneeling down in front of the doctor or whichever employee is representing the state. You are paying them through your taxes, but they don't feel like that. These guys feel like they're representing the state, so you're inferior, and they can abuse their power however they want.

Regarding the systems, not much to say. I hope I'll manage to not be home and let the systems trade, because there's got to be a peak somewhere in my equity curve - it cannot just keep on rising forever - and, when it starts falling, I better not be in control, because it will hurt me emotionally and I'll react with unprofitable and compulsive behaviors, and most likely I would blow out my account. Because the losses from 32k are very very high, and I am not used to them. In the sense that I'd be using martingale, and I'd have opened 10 contracts in a matter of hours, and... you know. I would be sleepless and that whole thing that happens to me when I do martingale. So, let's stay away from my laptop during the week. Let's stay away from home. Maybe these hospitals will provide a good alternative.

I also have a deal with my friend, that I'll pay him 10 euros per hour that he keeps me away from home, but that's going to be on Tuesday, because both Monday and Wednesday I have neurological exams. If I can get past the first 3 days of the week without being at home, it's going to be easier from there.

Monday the markets are closed, but for most of the hours they're open, so it's still risky, if not more, because on these holidays, they systems do not trade at all (i decided so) and I am very tempted to use the margin for other trades. So Monday is the most dangerous day actually.

...

Nothing. Impossible. I spent half an hour calling about 10 different numbers at this hospital where I have my exam on Monday and no one managed to get me in touch with the office that's supposed to answer, which is not picking up the phone, despite calling in the right hours. These guys rather than replying "can I help you?" usually reply "what do you want?" and "you called the wrong place". But I guess it is normal, because "can I help you?" is for when you have to sell something, but these guys have already been paid by the state, so now that they've been paid, by you, you're just bothering them. It's almost like when you subscribe to a service or buy a product here. No one is there to help you in case you have any problems afterwards. I remember Tiscali for my internet connection, back 10 years ago. They had two phone menus: one for those not subscribed yet, and one for those subscribed with problems. With the first your wait time was zero seconds. With the second one, it was impossible to get in touch with them. I always went through the first one and ask them the questions for the second one. Then, as soon as possible, I unsubscribed from their service.

This happens everywhere of course, but it is much more frequent in the center-south of Italy, where I am right now. You have to be aware of it, that's all you can do about it. You have to be ready for it. Basically in this country you cannot rely on doctors, unless they're your relatives and give you a preferential treatment. How did I solve this problem? Just to be on the safe side, I booked 3 appointments with 3 different neurologists.

Yeah, I am like this with everything, methodical. I either don't do something, or if I do it, I am going to be persistent.

Like with my sleeping problems. The neighbor bothered me, so, given that I had decided I wouldn't try to talk to them, because I don't like to go to adults and tell them they're pissing me off, I went to sleep in the attic. No one's there, so I solved all my sleeping problems.

These guys in the public health sector had almost defeated me, but I found a loophole. They're sensitive to money and to bookings of visits. Once you have booked them, no one ever replies to you again. But up to that point, you can book all you want. So I booked 3 visits. Every exam I had to do, I multiplied it by 3. So far this method has been working. Also, I paid for all exams, and I took a taxi there, back and forth, went a day early to study the huge and labyrinthine hospital... it sure takes a lot of money, time and energy. In other words, if you're sick, you're not going to be able to be cured. If you're healthy and wealthy, you can find a way to meet with the doctor, but that's when you don't need him.

In Italy, you either are a doctor, are friends or related to a doctor, or you're a millionaire. If you aren't one of those, and you get sick, you better stay away from hospitals. Which can be done by having a raw vegan diet and not smoking, and some other things I learned in my conspiracy theory documentaries. Such as avoiding fluoride toothpaste, and fluoridated water. But the average person is too busy watching TV and talking about soccer to ever reach this level of awareness.

 

[Yamato]

I added a few contracts, including a system on Silver. I added a total of five or six contracts/systems.

They're all balanced with my fixed fractional method. The one with the biggest weight has 20%. The average weight should be 3.3%, because it's 30 systems in total. Unfortunately futures have different leverage. Silver for example is a huge contract.

But also gold, natural gas and copper do not kid around.

As capital will increase, I will keep enabling more contracts of the futures with the smaller leverage (and therefore smaller average losses, on which my fixed fractional method is based), and the allocation of contracts will have a better balance.

The more I'll feel that my systems are taking care of trading, the less I'll be prone to interfering with them. That is why i added some more contracts.

With this combination of systems I can rely on a profit of about 500 dollars per week. This is definitely good enough for me.

I'll have money coming out of my ears, and the usual feeling of guilt, and the desire to give some money in charity, which I have discovered is much more soothing than blowing it on restaurants. In other words, it takes you much more money before you can feel satisfied if you go to the restaurant. Think about it: what is the big deal about paying 50 euros at the restaurant? They don't care too much about your gift. But if you give 20 euros to someone asking you in the street, and he's not threatening you with a gun or with physical violence, then you will feel much better than by giving 50 euros to the restaurant. So you have saved yourself 30 euros. And more, because it takes 10 euros of taxi to get there, 10 euros to get back, and 10 euros of tip. So you save 60 euros, and feel great.

The eating part is where it gets even better: it is more healthy to eat a 20 cents cucumber or broccoli, than to eat whatever you're paying the 50 euros for at the restaurant.

 

[Yamato]

Watch Movie 43 online - Watch Movies Online, Full Movies, Download

not too good but somewhat interesting

 

[Yamato]

Uneventful day. Uneventful weekend. I was thinking of going on a Costa cruise or just taking a ship to sardinia, for the hell of it, because I like sleeping on a ship:

[FULL] Sinking of the Costa Concordia (Discovery Channel documentary) - YouTube

minute 20: "i was very scared when david was filming... he's not going to take care of me: he's going to film", so funny.

Sensationalist documentary, because clearly this cruise ship was unsinkable, given that it's still there a year later:



Just kidding. At any rate, one thing is to sink near canada and another thing is to sink near the coast of italy. Anyway, in the last 5 minutes of the documentary it clearly says how lucky the passengers have been that there was some wind that pushed the ship back to shore, otherwise the deaths would not have been 32 but hundreds.

Costa Concordia disaster - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

I think they removed it from the destinations:
http://www.costacrociere.it/it/lista_crociere/civitavecchia_roma_italia;-201302.html

 

[Yamato]

things that I have implemented and that (should) make me happy

I woke up, after 9 hours of sleep, and I am still celebrating, one month later, my recently conquered ability to sleep.

For the last month, after having moved my bed to the attic, I have been able to sleep without any problems. After a lifetime of problems. Especially after the last 4 years of problems, due to the child who screams all night. He stopped the wild screaming that he did from 0 to 2, and for the last 2 years, he was calling his mom relentlessly, as soon as he woke up at 3, 4, 5 am. He interrupted my sleep and I was unable to go back to sleep.

So I am celebrating achieving the objective of sleeping, by removing the problem, or rather, moving away from the problem.

Other things that I should celebrate are this long list of things I can clearly notice by simply going to work every day:

1) warm water in the shower. The plumbers finally fixed that problem. I am still rejoicing about this. Again, it was my initiative to fix the problem.

2) comfortable rides in taxis to work. All my colleagues instead have to ride the subway or buses for trips that last over an hour.

3) Aloe vera toothpaste. I learned about the problems of fluoride, found the right toothpaste and I have been using it for months and i am very satisfied with it (AloeDent).

4) Colloidal silver. I found it, bought it, received it, and I am using it. It fights cavities, according to my conspiracy theorists buddies.

5) a bigger capital for trading, and trading systems to trade it, without my presence. This is a great achievement and I should be happy about it.

6) vegan diet, and table that measures all macro-nutrients, vitamins and minerals. This alone takes care of your whole body so it is an utterly important achievement.

7) I successfully forbade my roommate from touching my shoulder or other. He's a rude disrespectful prick, and I won't allow him to get near me. No more allowing of animals in my life. No matter how old they are, how high up they are in their ranking at the office, I don't owe them any respect. If they're animals, I'll keep them away from me.

8) ...

The list is long. Everywhere I turn, i learn things, I work on things, I investigate, and everywhere I did that, there were things I fixed and improved. Now, instead of looking for more problems to solve, I should take the time to reward myself. I should celebrate myself and my genius, and my hard work.

But there are still a few major problems that aren't solved:

1) my parents say that I can't quit my job no matter how much money I'll make. This will be solved when instead of just 32k, I show them one million dollars. For this, I need to multiply capital by 30 times. This is going to take a while. That is why I need to relax now.

2) I am still at risk of compulsive gambling. In other words, if I am at home, I do not know what I will do next: I may turn TWS on and place a trade. I act recklessly, without warning.

That's about it. To fix problem #2 I could maybe go swimming. I've noticed how swimming affects my mind.

Now I'll work on finding all the swimming pools in Rome. Swimming is really the solution to many problems, such as compulsive gambling, and the restlessness leading to it.

...

Yeah, the ideal place is this one:
https://maps.google.com/maps?q=Via+...y35-EW19TZCThrJzFRCIcA&cbp=12,241.37,,0,-6.51

Associazione Sportiva Dilettantistica Urbe Nuoto 90 ASD URBE NUOTO 90 - Roma - Siti premium

The problem is that they only allow you to swim on your own between 13 and 14. The same I had found out years ago and that kept me from trying it out. I am at work then. Other than that, they have courses. I guess you can swim even if you're taking a course.

How badly do I want to swim?

Not that badly I guess. Not enough to take a course with other adults. All these people want to do is teach courses. They don't care about letting you swim. And the rest of their activity is competitions. So they have a 2%, in very uncomfortable time slots, for people like me, who want to swim in peace, like you swim in the ocean. Then they have a 4% for people who, unlike me, want to take courses. And then they have a 94% for their damn competitions.

I guess this is a ripoff for the government, that's probably subsidizing them, and that's why they're teaching courses. Because they're forced to.

I am not going to a place where they're being forced to accept me, unwillingly.

These guys are clearly a bunch of dishonest assholes, which is typical in Rome.

...

After discarding these Roman assholes, there's this other swimming pool, but it's on the other side of the Vatican:
via santa maria mediatrice roma - Google Maps

Interesting how both swimming pools are within the same distance from Saint Peter:



Interesting how they both suck, and have crappy hours for "free swimming" or whatever it's called when you're not taking classes and want to swim by yourself.

To make a long story short, I am not going to either one.

I am going in the bath tub now, to see if I can come up with any ideas. The swimming pools exist and they're good, but those that are near me simply suck.

And I cannot go to ones that are far, because I need something that I can do regularly. There is no way that I will swim once a month. Better to not even start.

So ok, I'll watch movies, again, like I did before, for an entire month. Cheaper, more time-consuming... two movies per day will do.

Then I'll go to museums, if it doesn't get too depressing. History tends to depress me. Archaeology even worse. We are all made of stars.

Moby - We Are All Made Of Stars - YouTube

 

[Yamato]

Thousands flock to St. Peter's Square for Benedict XVI's Angelus

This was probably the last Angelus for this pope:

Thousands flock to St. Peter's Square for Benedict XVI's Angelus - YouTube

Thousands at St. Peter's to see Pope Benedict (closed captions) - YouTube

Pope's blessing heard by thousands - YouTube

BBC News - Pope Benedict Thousands to attend blessing 2013 - YouTube

Resignation of Pope Benedict XVI - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The pending resignation of Pope Benedict XVI (né Joseph Ratzinger) was announced on the morning of 11 February 2013, when the Vatican confirmed that he would resign the papacy on 28 February at 8PM local time.

The Vatican - YouTube

Ok, here they say today was the penultimate angelus:

Faithful Arrive For Pope Benedict's Penultimate Angelus - YouTube

Pretty awesome video and channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/MinWashingtonNews/videos?view=0&flow=grid

 

[Yamato]

I have been weighing the various ways to keep away from compulsive gambling and martingale trading. The best one seems to be movies. It's easy, I don't have to take a shower like for swimming, I don't have to get changed, and no one is looking at me while I watch a movie, unlike for swimming, where you have those unpleasant lifeguards watching over you.

The rule to be respected is not to be home before 21.00, which is one hour before the markets close. I can resist for one hour. That's how strong my will power is.

So, a very simple solution is movies. Simple, cheap, effective. Each movie takes about 2 hours. 3 movies or even 2 movies are enough. Because you have to wait for the movie to begin, and the advertisements to end and all that.

The problem is that sometimes, almost always, I leave before it is over. Because they suck so badly.

A second alternative is museums. I will now check out all the museums in Rome. So I can go through them. The problem with museums is that often you have to wait in line, like for the vatican museums.

Time Saving Trick Vatican Museum & St. Peter's Basilica - YouTube

Ok, that's good. No line. I can buy them online:
Vatican Museums - Online Ticket Office

All that matters to me is that they keep me away from home for one day, starting at 14.30.

Then I'll move on to the next museum or movie.

 

[Yamato]

I just realized that after an average performance of 45% per month in the past (almost) six months, I will have to be happy with just 15% a month from the systems, because I simply cannot keep up with this rate of return, or I'll blow out my account trying to outperform myself.

This also means that yes, I will be able to support myself, but it will be a long time before I can see millions.

This is it. I need to slow down, or this unchartered territory (above 30k of capital) will get to my head once again, like before, and this time I won't be able to forgive myself.

I will have to trade a 15% monthly return with the previous 45%, or for sure I will blow out my account very very quickly. This time, if I do it once again, I won't be able to start again with 4k. I won't have the energy to fight myself. Won't have the energy to deal with the consequences of my personality. I would probably quit trading.

...

Actually the performance in the past six months by these systems has not even been 15% but less than 10%. And it should have been 40%, judging from the previous period (8k per month on a capital of 32k).

So, I don't know if the remote past will repeat itself, or only the recent past, and the last six months will repeat themselves. If they do, I can only count on a 10% return per month, and on unlucky months when instead I lose 20% (6k drawdowns do happen quite frequently with this combination).

Given the fact that emotionally I won't be able to take drawdowns bigger than 6k (also because I know that sooner or later I'll be even more unlucky and there will be a 12k drawdown), despite capital/margin being available, I will definitely not push my money management and increase the contracts in the present combination.

So, with this capital, I can only really count on a monthly 10%, which will bring my 32k to a mere 100k twelve months later. In the meanwhile, I am getting older and older at the office, and approaching my natural retirement, at which point all trading will have been useless.

Some might suggest and have suggested to split the account and create a second account, where I can do my discretionary trading.

Up to now this was unthinkable because my capital was too small. But what if, once I reach 40k, I took out 4k and moved them to a discretionary account?

I might like the challenge of bringing that to 40k again.

It might provide reasoning useful for new strategies. It might keep me alert.

With the bigger account discretionary trading is not possible anymore, because the temptation for martingale is just too big, given that i can now buy so many contracts.

I could be wrong on NQ as many as 32 times on the intraday, and still make money if it bounces after I have bought my 32nd contract. The temptation to always be right by using martingale is huge, especially on a small contract like NQ.

How often will I be wrong 32 times in a row?

If I go long on NQ, the odds are already on my side. If I go long on a WED-THU-FRI, the odds are even more in my favor. It just seems like free money.

That may be one martingale that always works... you see, I am getting tempted again, and the problem is that if I get started on this idea, I won't just do it on NQ, but on JPY, too, and other risky markets, where I can afford fewer contracts than on NQ.

Let's entertain the NQ martingale idea for a bit longer.

Ok, let's say it is a Wednesday, and NQ is at 2700.

I wait for a ten points fall to 2690, and then I go long with 1 contract. If I am right by 10 points, I make 200 dollars, easy money.

If I am wrong and it falls more, to 2680, I go long a second contract, and if it reaches 2690, I still make 200 dollars.

If it falls to 2670, I go long 2 more contracts, and if it reaches 2680, I still make 200 dollars.

And so on.

This sounds like I can make 200 dollars on each of these three days of the week: WED-THU-FRI.

That is 600 dollars per week.

That is 2500 dollars a month. Given that I was counting on 10%, which is about 3000 dollars per month, I would be doubling my return with this method.

Why am I not doing it? Really, why? I am seriously tempted to do it.

NQ is bound to bounce 10 points at some point during its (unlikely) fall in the second part of the week, even on 911.

...

What do I do?

Do I renounce 3000 dollars per month that seem so easy?

...

Well, for one thing, had i used this method on Friday, the most bullish day of the week, I would have lost...



... about 200 dollars. Which would have been ok by me.

I probably would have accepted that 200 dollars loss.

How about this. It takes a drop of 20 points to go long on the first 2 days of the week, and it takes a drop of 10 points to go long on the rest of the week.

20 points is almost 1% on NQ and it doesn't move that much very easily. On some days it moves even 60 points, but that is a 2%, and it is pretty rare.

You know what?

I am a rebel, whether it is against my own rules or someone else's rules. I've been too suffocated and repressed in life, by my father, to be otherwise.

I created all these rules to stay away from home, and how to do so, and so and so... and probably by the end of next week, I will be back at my laptop busy with martingale trading.

I just created too many rules.

I need to get high. This is really what I need to do. But I don't know where to find a drug dealer. If you're high, you're peaceful and do no damage like Bill Hicks said (last minute):

Bill Hicks - Alcohol vs Marijunana - YouTube

http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Talk:Cannabis

Pot is a better drug than alcohol. I'll prove it to you. You're at a ball game or a concert, and someone's really violent and agressive and obnoxious, are they drunk or are they smoking pot? They're drunk. I have never seen people on pot get in a fight because it is ****ing IMPOSSIBLE. 'Hey, buddy!' 'Hey, what?' 'Hey....' End of argument.

I need to get ahold of some weed.

 

[Yamato]

I am almost "happy" today. For starters, my roommate is not here, which is always good.

Also, last night I was thinking of solving my gambling problems and I came up with a good idea. I won't replace compulsive gambling by using one solution and one alternative activity, but rather a variety of them:

1) swimming
2) massages
3) movies
4) museums
5) walking around in the neighborhood (st.peter, castel sant'angelo)
6) getting a kebab
7) even going to the japanese restaurant once a month
8) math lessons: now I can afford them
9) exploring libraries
10) going to political rallies (beppe grillo's rally is this week)
11) smoking pot if I can get ahold of it

Basically all these activities have in common is that I am not home, and this is all that matters. If I go home, I am positive I will start gambling again.

Another thing I am happy about is that the neighbors are making all sorts of animal noises, very close to gorillas, and what I am really happy about and celebrating is the fact that they're just neighbors and not roommates. This is really something to be happy about.

Vulgar jokes, incessant talking, forcible laughing... these things are not for me, and I'll never get used to them.

...

Today I also have one of those neurological exams at a hospital. As I said before, the right position for a patient here in Rome is kneeling down. Despite paying them through your taxes, you have no rights and can have no expectations of quality from the doctors and public health. You're lucky if you get to meet them, and if they don't kill you. On Saturday I spent all day calling the hospital at a time they should have been open and taking calls (that's what it said on their website) and after hours of calling 10 different phone numbers, I gave up. We have no rights here. We have to kneel down and beg... doctors that are getting paid through our taxes.

This in turn makes you understand why most of my colleagues slack off all day long. And especially my roommate. They act this way, because it is a widespread mentality. No sense of duty: if you can get away with something, you just go ahead and do it. Stealing from the community is not something Italians feel guilty about, whether you're a banker, a doctor, or a professor at a public school.

 

[Yamato]

Excellent!

My second day with the strictest discipline ever. I have been away from home, again, all the way to 20.30.

It was tough. First the hospital, the crappy italian hospitals, waiting for hours, kneeling down, because our rights... our money paid through taxes doesn't count. You're still a subject of the state. You pay but you don't have any rights. Doctors, professors, judges... they all treat you as if you had no rights, no dignity, no nothing.

Anyway, after the hospital I went and met my dad's secretary. I'll help her with her investments soon. For free. As I'll also do for a friend of a friend. I showed my octupling equity curve and she suggested immediately "how much do you need?". She said that her daughter-in-law, who's a fund manager, says that it's impossible to make any money in the markets and that it's ok if for a year she gave her a return of zero. I'm gonna cause a fight in the family with my 700% in 5 and a half months.

Then I went to see a movie, excellent movie on fracking, which can be seen online for free:
Watch Promised Land online - Watch Movies Online, Full Movies, Download

Tomorrow there's no hospital in the schedule so I will need to watch two movies, in order to stay away from home until 9 pm.

Today major charity. There was a person in his 30s looking in the garbage and I asked if I could help him and handed him a 50 euro bill. This is because in the past week I could give nothing, since people aren't allowed to be asking for money in the neighborhoods of the Vatican, where I've been hanging out. I figured that since he hadn't asked for money, it would have been an insult to offer money, so I had to make it worth it for him to be insulted.

If there is a god, he'll help me out with trading, because he knows I give a 1% to charity.
If there is a conscience not feeling good about making money with so little effort, she'll be appeased.

Overall, cheaper and more effective than blowing money in jewelry, food, cars, flowers. You invest money where it produces the biggest result, even if it doesn't benefit you. I will be happy enough when I'll be quitting my job when the remaining 99% of the capital will reach 500k.

This thing, I have always had it in me. Some sense of justice, not finding excuses for not doing charity. If I don't do it, it's because I am selfish. I never made up excuses such as "he's lazy" and "he's going to buy drugs with the money I give him". That's the bull**** normal people invent to keep all their money. If you feel you need it, dude, just keep it. There's no need to invent stories. If you feel you need it, then you need it.

I've always had it in me. I remember when I was in central europe, working at another bank and with a girlfriend living with me, she wanted to waste money on crap. And there was a guy who asked me for money in the street, and I gave him a lot of my savings just to spite her. It must have been like 300 dollars, in the local currency. She was there, too, kind of pissed off. I told her: look, you waste money, so it's better to give it to him, since he needs it more, given that he's come all the way to me to ask me for it. It is not easy to ask for money, man. If someone does, by definition he needs it more than you.

 

[Yamato]

Ok, back at the office. Gambling-free for... Friday, Monday... and already 8 and a half hours of Tuesday. But then I'll get home at 14.45 CET, so I'm already guaranteed to be gambling-free for almost 15 hours today. Now it's getting easier, because it's becoming a habit.

Other than this, the usual frustrating day at work, with the only advantage that i'll leave at 14.30 as per my new part-time schedule of 2013.

The good thing about avoiding gambling by not being at home is that it is forcing me to do things outside and sometimes these things are interesting. It is a discipline to "not do" that produces... unexpectedly, more positive results, so I am realizing that the value is not just in "not doing" but also in "doing".

...

I am already looking for the math lessons:
Matematica - Cerca Ripetizioni Private Online A Roma - eBay Annunci

They seem quite cheap, ranging from 10 euros for math graduates to 20 euros for math professors. I'll spend 10 euros an hour, learn some risk/money management, and in the meanwhile keep away from gambling and losing thousands. It's a good deal.

I also found the teachers specifically for financial math.

Here's what I'll do. I am going to enroll in 10 different lessons with 10 different people and then I'll choose the one I like best to do a few more lessons.

...

10.35... unbelievable, just when I thought one couldn't get any lazier and any more dishonest, my roommate surprises me again by not showing up at work yet.

Today I don't feel like working either though, despite being here. I think the profit is getting to my head. I feel weird... uneasy, restless, uncomfortable, frustrated... I've been scratching my nose for over an hour. Good thing I am not trading. This is somewhat close to symptoms of withdrawal:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Withdrawal

Withdrawal is the group of symptoms that occur upon the abrupt discontinuation or decrease in intake of medications or recreational drugs.

In order to experience the symptoms of withdrawal, one must have first developed a physical or mental dependence (often referred to as chemical dependency). This happens after consuming one or more substances for a certain period of time, which is both dose dependent and varies based upon the drug consumed. For example, prolonged use of an anti-depressant is most likely to cause a much different reaction when discontinued than the repeated use of an opioid, such as heroin.

I feel depressed, after the (psychological) high of the previous weeks. Things may actually be as complex as this. Not just all the... dozen of factors in my compulsive gambling that I mentioned, but more. I may very well have been using trading as one uses drugs.

10.45 and roommate not here yet. I wonder.

He keeps me working, since by trying to talk to me, he forces me to work in order to keep him from talking to me. I usually work better without him, but not this time. Today I am slacking off because he's not here yet. Because when he's here, I don't scratch my nose.

And why am I scratching my nose?

Maybe for either of these reasons:
1) withdrawal symptoms
2) sense of power and that I don't need to work because I can support myself with trading

...

Great. This hot chick working for us since a couple of years ago - she's the hottest chick we have - came a few minutes ago and asked me some not-so-important question. This made me think that she wanted to see me. We don't usually talk about anything (as I do with everyone else here) so we only interact when she asks questions, and, given the fact that she came and asked me these non-vital questions (how to find out who's the last person who called on our telephone), I am thinking that maybe she wanted to see me. Not necessarily that she wanted to have sex with me, which is what matters to me, but maybe I am a little closer to it.

I am sleeping better, I am looking better, and obviously all the women now want to have sex with me. Yeah, just kidding. Unfortunately it's not that easy. I am not Brad Pitt and I am not in college. You want to get laid, go to college. You want to get an education, go to the library. Who said this? Frank Zappa. But nowadays, he would have said "get on the internet".

...

My roommate today is either very late, or he's not coming. It's already 2 pm and I am about to go home.

 

[Yamato]

Oh, yes!

I did it again.

Missed a whole day of screen time, the third gambling-free day in a row, and my systems did a wonderful job in the meanwhile. I paid my friend here to keep me away from trading, and spent 50 euros, but the systems made 700 dollars, so now capital is at 33k.



I am so satisfied.

Had I stayed at home, I would have ended up trading, and with this ungrounded state of mind, arrogant, hyper-excited... I would have ended up interpreting any result as an insult, including a small win, and this would have sent me into a trading rampage. So happy with myself. Good job, travis!

 

[Yamato]

the way we were

This is from home, because I can't access youtube from work:

The way we were - Barbra Streisand (incl. lyrics) - YouTube

I'll write a post about my two college friends here in rome, once I get to the office.

...

Back at the office.

Conversation from the neighbors:

A: I have a cold
B: Use a garlic suppository.
A: (laughs)
B: You laugh... but you should never underestimate home remedies.

You see, I am not missing very much by being antisocial and avoiding my colleagues.

Anyway, regarding my college friends. There's two of them in Rome.

Neither of them is working. One is investing and presumably living off it. I say "presumably" because I am not totally positive about it. You never know with these things. However he is not prone to blowing out his account as I am. And his account was much bigger.

The other friend is the one I met yesterday. And he's another story. He was the best student of the three of us, and finished college in just three and a half years (while it took my other friend 6 years, and it took me 7 and a half years, due to 2 math credits I was missing - I kept failing those two math classes for 4 straight summer schools) then he went for a master's to the best economics university in Italy... a great student. Only problem: he doesn't seem to enjoy working. In the last x years (over a decade) he hasn't had a job. He goes to parties in Rome. And gets the money from his parents, for fuel and the other living expenses.

How can I ever be a success with these friends? I don't know. You know how they say "Birds of a feather stick together". At the same time, I don't hang out with him for longer than a few weeks, until I get disgusted with his... debauched lifestyle. And, when we're together, I don't let him do what he'd usually do with his other friends, which is going to dinner with hot chicks and pay for everyone. He provides the chicks, and his friends pay for dinner.

Basically the lifestyle of a "freeloader", if I understood correctly from the dictionary.

I don't have many memories from college, because I was always watching movies or some other indoor activity. So the song is not that appropriate, because if you don't have memories, time doesn't feel as distant - you've done nothing. You don't age as fast. But the song applies to my friend, the freeloader. "The way he was". He was an excellent student at the best universities of the world, he speaks three languages... what happened to him? He should be running a company. How can he be reduced to begging money from his friends?

It is a mystery. I cannot figure out his mind and how he turned out this way. Maybe it has to do with expectations. Too much was expected of him, so he could not accept just any job, like everyone else. I was helped by my father, but otherwise I might have been in the same situation, unemployed. But my other friend, too, he attended the same universities, speaks just as many languages, and he's a native speaker of 3 languages actually, and yet... he's unemployed, too. So, I guess you can go up in life and you can go down. And maybe when you've gone up too much, it's easier to go down than up. And I guess I have gone down, too. The three of us have achieved less than our fathers have.

We are what superficial people, whom I despise, call "losers". And I am also what these same people call "weird".

Given this judgment by people I despise, I am wondering if I am being unsuccessful precisely because I do not want their approval, and I don't want to be called "winner" and "cool" by those I despise. I wonder if I keep on undoing what I do, and blowing out accounts, because I am afraid it might produce "success".

idea2develop

This is my struggle. Understanding myself, and allowing myself to reach "success" despite despising those who call it "success" and their language and values, or rather non-values.

My struggle has been working so far, because thanks to my freeloading friend, yesterday I stayed away from gambling, and the equity curve continued its rise:



It is going to be hard to keep doing this every day. I mean staying away from home until around 21.00 CET, which is an hour away from the close of the markets. But I know I cannot do it otherwise. If I do go home, I'll turn my computer on, and then I will check the systems and TWS, and then I will place a trade. And then I am screwed, with this amount of capital. Any performance will not be good enough and it will send me into a martingale trading rampage. I am dangerous to myself.

...

Today I have my penultimate neurologist visit, which will keep me pleasantly busy until the afternoon (at the rate of 250 euros per visit, for a piece of paper certifying that my head has been damaged by neurosurgery).

Then I'll need two movies.

Tomorrow, there's the freeloading friend again. Another well spent 50 euros. 10 euros per hour is what I pay him to keep me away from home.

Friday I have to attend a political rally with Beppe Grillo, comedian-turned-politician. There'll be 100 thousand people. I might get killed... in case I stop writing the journal, that's what happened.

...

Needless to say, I am quite confident and happy, because my equity curve is in uncharted territory. Let us not pretend that it's a regular day, a regular period, or usual mood for me. My mood and confidence rise and fall according to my equity curve, so this is definitely a super-period in my life. And I don't want it to stop. That is what gives me the strength and the resolve to stay outdoors and away from home for all these hours every day.

 

[Yamato]

back to math

Since math is going to be an important part of staying away from home, as I'll be taking math classes, I thought of going back to khan academy and, as expected, I found hundreds of review exercises assigned. There's no way I'll spend another six months on them. I will try to find the summation notation, which is what I need to read those portfolio theory academic papers:



Those review exercises just keep on being dished out. They never end. It's impossible to keep up with khan academy. You can only finish all exercises on one day. The next day 10 more exercises will pop up.

...

Damn!

No summation notation yet. It's been a year and they haven't added it.

 

[Yamato]

Ouch.

Back home, at 21.00 as usual. Today it cost me 500 dollars to spend the day out, not because of my freeloading friend, but because of my freeloading doctors. In order to get things done here, you have to arrange and pay for what they call an "intramoenia" visit. Which means they work at a public hospital, they visit you there, but you pay them anyway. Sort of a legal bribe to make you skip a line of months. Public health... you pay for it, but it doesn't work. So you can resort to paying doctors some extra money and they'll be more efficient. This in turn makes public health even less efficient, because doctors become busier by attending patients who are paying them (yeah, sure, wikipedia says they only do it in their spare time, bull****).

Intra moenia - Wikipedia

...

But the systems, again, have beaten the freeloaders keeping me away from home and safe from tampering with them. They made almost 1000 dollars today, so now my capital is at a staggering 34k. Needless to say, despite today's gain, I don't feel like doing any charity. Nope. Not today. Not after paying these corrupted doctors 500 dollars, which I would have preferred giving away in charity. Don't tell me doctors need to squeeze any more money out of us, in excess of what we're paying them through taxes. But, as I said, the patient's ideal position in Italy is kneeling down, with the doctor holding him by the balls.

...

More money made in the last hour. Capital now at 34,300

...

I didn't peek at the JPY, but felt tempted to... good job, travis. There's more to lose than to gain right now from discretionary trading. You'll get carried away, things will get out of hand and the situation will spiral out of control.

No matter how rewarding opportunities you may think you're spotting, you're not in the right state of mind to trade. Too many victories behind you.

Don't look back. Go to bed, travis. Don't look back.

 

[Yamato]

Another update on my equity curve, to cheer myself up after yesterday's awful medical experience and meeting with these crooks/doctors. And it gets even worse, because I just found out that it is extremely difficult not just to have your own medical problems acknowledged, but even to just turn in your medical papers.

Now I'll even have to pay someone to turn in my medical papers because these assholes have slots for 3 days per week for just 3 hours each time in order to turn in your papers, and only 1 hour of phone calls every day.

Anyway, here's the latest equity curve:



If it weren't for this little baby of mine, I would be utterly depressed due to the work-legal-medical situation I am dealing with right now.

This is what I do with it. I print the equity curve, after having enlarged the size of the picture. I put it in my pocket, and, whenever I am depressed, I whip it out and I look at it. Sometimes I keep looking at it for even 10 minutes.

...

Do you know what I just realized that is hilarious about my equity curve and my posting it?

That it will never change. That is, it will never change provided that it keeps going up.

If everything goes perfectly, my equity curve will always look no better than it looks now. Because the top will be the top, and the bottom (the start, if it keeps rising) will be the bottom, although the first bar would keep shrinking as the scale would keep increasing and adapting to the last and largest bar. But from afar it would look the same, and the only thing changing would be the number indicating the peak, at the top left of the picture.

So, there is really no point in me posting this curve anymore, other than showing that number at the top left. And whether I post just the number or the entire equity curve, if someone thinks I am lying about it and photoshopping it, there won't be any evidence good enough to disprove his doubts. So why am I posting this thing to begin with? Hell, I don't know. But for some reason I feel good about it. That green color puts me in a good mood.

 

[Yamato]

21.15 CET and back from my daily wandering in Rome. Today went to some hospitals and two movies with my freeloading friend.

Paid him over 100 euros but today it's the last day, because I can't afford his company anymore. He needs richer friends.

Let's check the systems now.

...

Ouch.

Systems lost about 1500 dollars today. Can't complain though, given that they've made money for weeks.

All right. Let's step away before i try making back some of the losses. Get away from it, travis! Turn it off.

 

[Yamato]

Back. At the office now.

Having lost 2000 dollars, almost, yesterday, I won't of course post my equity curve today, because it looks bad.

Today the plan is to stay away from compulsive gambling, by going to that political rally with Beppe Grillo (general elections are this weekend), but before that, I have a two-hour-long math class with a tutor, he's an engineer, don't know what type of an engineer, if he builds roads, skyscrapers... or didn't even complete his degree. For sure he knows math. I told him at any rate that he's just one of 10 tutors I will be trying out.

Ok. I am pretty confident that for today I will not gamble, and it's a great achievement if I do it, because it's hard to do it when the systems have just lost money. You feel the strong urge to make it back.

Most likely I will not write anything here for the next 12 hours.

 

[pecas]

I didn't read much lately because, as announced, I was hit by work which starts again in this period of the year.
Happy to see you're on the right track again, keep it up.
Of course, I know what you mean when you talk about the Italian public sanitary system. If you watched the movie "Sicko", and i guess you did given how many movies you watch, they report Italy on 2nd place in the world, in relation to sanity (1st is France); reason to wonder how it is in the other countries, or how they compiled their standings.
By my experience, efficiency of our system is very very low. We have some excellence here and there, mainly in transplants, but then we are bad in the simple things, and many times you hear of people died, or severely damaged, by a slow diagnosis.
As an example of this, if you are hospitalized and they find you have cancer, you have surgery the same day, or next day; very good. At the same time, if you don't have strong symptoms, and your doctor orders exams to check if you have cancer, you may get them 6 months or even 1 year later (unless you pay for them).
Also better stay healthy in August; everybody is out for holidays, how dare you need an urgent procedure?