my journal 2

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I'll post some music videos, to digest my frustration.





 
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feeling a bit better

I am feeling a little better than yesterday.

I've been writing some emails. Also, a friend came to visit me. We discussed some things that were upsetting me, and now I feel better, feeling that I am not the only one to think something and to reason in a given way.

They often refer to a "fight or flight" coping mechanism and in this case it was "fight", because I can't flee from this situation.

Actually, it turned into a "fight or flight" situation, because simple talking wasn't effective. Since talking lead to nothing, after a while it was replaced by arguing, after realizing that I wasn't being listened to.

My next coping mechanism will be giving up and silence. So after all it's not just fight or flight, but it is... in this order:

1) flight (avoid)
2) or talk (try to explain your point of view and convince)
3) or fight (try to explain harder)
4) or be quiet (give up)
5) or accept (put up)

I know it's not clear what the hell I am talking about, but I can't write more about this. Still, I need to write something, because that's what the journal is for, and if I don't write, then I won't be able to sleep tonight. Let's just say that in the future my emailing should be decreased. After all, this is #1, the flight response, avoiding conflict, rather than try to fix problems through talking or arguing. My tendency instead has always been, in life, #3, fight, or #1, flight. #5 very rarely. I never put up with anything I don't agree with, at least I don't put up without complaining about it endlessly. Here instead I have been forced by the situation to do #4 and #5 a lot, and it has made me very uncomfortable.

Anyway, let's move on. I've talked enough, even though it is totally unclear about what - it could be applied to anything. Nonetheless talking/writing was useful.

Now I'll post some videos.


Yeah, this piece is pretty clear. It says there's a lot of fighting at the start, but then the fighting is unpleasant and unnecessary and it's replaced by some pleasant and convincing and hypnotizing talking. The talking goes on for a while, and some valid points are made. And peace is restored, but then all of a sudden one of the parties grows unrestful and starts arguing again. But then they suffocate him with a pillow.


This song represents me writing my journal, on and on, with the same melody, going nowhere, going around in loops. Until I get more and more tired and I finally stop writing.
 
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somehow the wires have crossed, communication's lost

Things are not going well. And, once again, I can't specify what it is that's bothering me, due to superior entity requiring censorship on my journal.

Let's just explain my mood by posting another music video and dedicating it to the superior entity:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E8KKH1Ce4Rw

Somehow the wires have crossed
Communication's lost
Can't even get you on the telephone
Just got to shout about it
I'm losing you
Click to expand...
 
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But it is meaningful. It talks about the wires having crossed. It's a song about banking, which is exactly what i needed right now.
 
tough week behind, tough week ahead

All right, let's break this silence. Since a couple of weeks ago I haven't been able to write as much as I used to, due to superior entities not being pleased with my journal's content. What can you do... superior entities are superior entities.

Nonetheless, I will try not to renounce to my journal altogether, despite this newly required self-censorship.

So here's what I can say.

This week sucked. My systems lost some 2000 dollars. I won't post the usual chart - too tiring.

Despite the bad mood and discouragement, for reasons I cannot mention, I kept on testing systems on the new futures, and at this stage I am still testing the ones on NQ.

After some hours of work, I have found that most of what has been working on ES and YM also works to some degree (or better) on NQ, and I have created NQ_ID, NQ_ID_2, NQ_ON and NQ_ON_2. Now my total is at 78 systems.

Next I will test on NQ those strategies that are successful only on other futures (other than ES and YM), to see if there's any one of them that also works on NQ.

Snap1.jpg

In short, I will have to try on NQ the systems circled in green on the above scatter plot. This is the quickest part, because all I need to do is set up the NQ on tradestation (in-sample period) and apply to it all those other easylanguage codes. I could even go as far as testing the remaining 50 systems, including the unprofitable ones. Actually I will.

Afterwards, I will be done with NQ and will have to focus on HG and SI. But before that I will probably find another few systems that are profitable and bring my total to above 80.

[...]

All ZN systems failed.
 
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more testing under the bridge

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GLvohMXgcBo

More testing under the bridge. Tested the currency systems (good and bad ones) on the NQ and all of them, one way or another, have failed. So I am still at 78 systems and tomorrow I will check out the GBL and the rest of the systems. Probably by the end of this week I will be done with all testing on NQ.

Watched about an hour of the final night of the big brother (Italian edition). My father was there, too, and we discussed the sociology and statistics of it, but as usual it was not an entertaining conversation, because he's never too reactive when I talk. He likes me to ask questions incessantly, lecture, or ask questions. As usual, he's either in lecture or interrogation mode. Never had a pleasant conversation with him. It's always like being examined or lectured. Actually it is not like it, it is exactly that: I am being interrogated or I am being lectured. Pretty frustrating.

Now is the time when I have to try to fall asleep. Took one melatonin, one xanax, one propecia, one oxcarbazepine.

Got some anxiety from conversation with father, from approaching move into a new apartment, from the office as usual. Would need a beer but don't have it.

So I write. I write and I scratch my head.

 
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Hello Travis,

Well good to see you're making progress. :clap: (I've just about caught up with your journal, though I've skipped pages here and there, it's a bit much to read 250+ pages of posts in one sitting...)
 
Hi. I read your new quotes. I agree with both. But even understanding what they mean, I am incapable of trading discretionary (and profitably), because I understand it but don't remember it enough. There's other things that make me forget it.
 
jason bateman

http://www.letmewatchthis.ch/?actor_name=Jason Bateman

All great comedies.

Watching this one now:
http://www.letmewatchthis.ch/watch-7230-Fast-Track

There's a nice song right at the start, but despite being an expert at web searches I could not find the song online, nor could I find out who sings it and what the title of the song is:
http://www.subzin.com/quotes/Fast+Track

Maybe it will say what it is at the end of the movie. It's the first time I can't find something so important. Usually you should be able to find a song like this. It's crazy: I know the lyrics but I can't find the song on any search engine.

Got it!

I had to wait until the end titles, and went to Mark McAdam's web site and downloaded it:
http://www.markmcadam.com/audio/LittleGameREmast_hifi.mp3

It reminds me of the beatles. So good and so unknown. Just like the movie.

Done with trying all the CL and GBL systems, too, on the NQ. None worked. One worked but failed the out-of-sample.
 
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travis said:
Hi. I read your new quotes. I agree with both. But even understanding what they mean, I am incapable of trading discretionary (and profitably), because I understand it but don't remember it enough. There's other things that make me forget it.
Click to expand...

Yeah I know what you mean. Maybe another quote sums it up ;) "In theory there's no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is." It's one thing to know how to behave "in theory", quite another to actually do it in the moment.

Actually, in this vein of conversation: I read an article recently about procrastination, it's here: http://ur.ly/px9V

What I found interesting about it was the discussion about "present-you" vs "future-you" and how being able to succeed in large part involves "present-you" figuring out ways to trick/guide/ensure that "future-you" won't "go off the rails" as it were, which I thought was *very* appropriate to discretionary trading. It also perfectly explains why so much emphasis is placed on trading plans and suchlike -- a trading plan is then, essentially an effort by "present-you" to help constrain the fickleness of "future-you" in the heat of the market to ensure you don't do stupid things that hurt yourself. Anyways...
 
Yes, all very clear and I am glad you liked the song. I especially agree with the concept of "tricking" yourself. Many people here talk about "will power" and "discipline", but those things can only go so far. I've read an article which explains how will power is a limited resource. In practice you can't deny yourself everything you would like to have. For example, you can't at the same time be on a diet, and save money, and work, and not have any fun. One way or another your mind and body will complain.

In the same way, with discretionary trading, it's rather a matter of finding the right situation for your "future" self to trade profitably than to say "I have to force myself to do this and that...". I could not force myself to trade profitably, and I could not find a way to trick myself to trade profitably. I could not put myself in a situation where I can be profitable with discretionary trading. Forget the concept "I was not disciplined enough". That is a misleading concept. The causes involved are many more than just discipline: for example, a person often doesn't even know if he knows how to trade profitably. Also, forget the concept of "self-sabotage", which is very appealing as an explanation to unprofitability but I don't think it's likely to ever be the case.
 
But if you are disciplined in your trading then you will quickly find out that you don't know how to trade.

I think discipline is the primary requirement. If you achieve the required discipline, then everything else will follow, assuming a modicum of intelligence in correcting the errors that arise.

What you are saying is that lack of discipline is a mask over the issues that cause it, I think.
 
I (partly) agree with what you said. I agree on the fact that if you are disciplined and still are unprofitable, you will realize that you don't know a profitable method. So following some rules does help the process.

On the other hand, I was saying more than what you summarized and I maintain that becoming profitable cannot just be reduced to a matter of discipline. I don't think I should repeat what I already wrote up there, and doesn't get summarized by "the lack of discipline is a mask over the issues that cause it".
 
travis said:
On the other hand, I was saying more than what you summarized and I maintain that becoming profitable cannot just be reduced to a matter of discipline. I don't think I should repeat what I already wrote up there, and doesn't get summarized by "the lack of discipline is a mask over the issues that cause it".
Click to expand...

I shouldn't claim to know any better than you on this matter although I believe I know better. But other people's beliefs, such as mine are to you, generally mean nothing. I have seen your trading at its worst, but I have no great discretionary trading experience to boast about myself. If that ever changes, I'll get back to you.
 
I don't claim to know how to be profitable with discretionary trading. I don't know. I do know what I meant by my post, so I can't help disagreeing when you summarize it in a different way. I can't help but repeat that I don't think profitability is a function of discipline as everyone claims (cfr. previous two posts before).

I would go as far as saying that "discipline" is not a valid concept. Not all terms in the dictionary refer to valid concepts. For example, the term "god" is very widely used, the most used concept, and probably it doesn't indicate anything valid (no proofs for sure). It's not a clear and univocal concept. Another example is "winner", "loser". I don't acknowledge those terms, even though they're in the dictionary.

The same applies to "discipline". It's all a matter of placing yourself in situations where you want something, know how to get it, and get it.

For example, I am not fat. Discipline? No. I just don't buy food, and keep my refrigerator empty. Does it cost me any effort? Nope. It costs me less efforts than to go shopping and eat what I buy. I know that if I keep my refrigerator empty I won't eat. Where's the "discipline"? It's just knowing the recipe, and following the recipe.

I think it's the same with trading, and the only problem is that I don't know the recipe. Know how to do it, place yourself in the situation where you can do it... if instead the situation is not right, and you're lacking the right ingredients, then you can't do it. I am lacking the ingredients, but first of all the recipe (actually I don't even know what the ingredients are).

So I think the term "discipline" is misleading in every field. Once again, I don't acknowledge the existence of that concept, even though the term exists and is abused.

If I had to summarize how to achieve something, it is rather by using the term "knowledge". You are profitable if you know how to do it (you know the recipe) and have the ingredients. It's pointless to inject the ingredient of "discipline" if you don't have the other ingredients, just as in everything else. It's not a magic ingredient, such as knowledge is.

Summary of my post: "discipline is a bull**** concept". Screw discipline. There's no such thing. Tell me when to buy and sell, and I will show you that I can be profitable as well.

Of course, I do know when to buy and sell from my systems, but my systems trade too rarely to be traded manually. I am talking about a method/system (even if partly discretionary) that trades several times per day, or else such recipe cannot be implemented by a human (and that's why I have my systems).

So give me the recipe, and not a boring biblical recipe, and I will show you that I can be a profitable discretionary trader as well. (There's a slight but not total contradiction in using "recipe" and "discretionary", because the recipe could have some discretionary parts).

Ok, here's a simple example, to define the problem even more clearly. Let's say the recipe is the one I have for ZN_ON_2: "when the ZN is extremely oversold or overbought, go in the opposite direction for x hours and you will make money most of the time...". Big deal, dude. That happens once a month. That is a valid recipe, but I don't have the ingredients to make it a manual strategy. I will be too bored to execute such a recipe (whether with additional discretionary ingredients or not). So that is what I mean by saying that i need non-biblical recipe. And I have none. I don't have a method that trades several times a day and makes money.
 
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Done with testing every single system on the NQ. Only 4 of them work. Total is now at 78. Now I have HG and SI to go. A lot of work awaits me.

Most likely I will bring the total to about 86 systems. Not what I hoped but better than nothing.

Tomorrow it's Good Friday, so the trading week ends today. The systems made some money but didn't recover half the losses from last week. Let's hope something good happens next week.

Well, here's a little game for you and I...
Click to expand...
http://www.markmcadam.com/audio/LittleGameREmast_hifi.mp3
http://www.letmewatchthis.ch/watch-7230-Fast-Track
 
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travis said:
I don't claim to know how to be profitable with discretionary trading. I don't know. I do know what I meant by my post, so I can't help disagreeing when you summarize it in a different way. I can't help but repeat that I don't think profitability is a function of discipline as everyone claims (cfr. previous two posts before).

I would go as far as saying that "discipline" is not a valid concept. Not all terms in the dictionary refer to valid concepts. For example, the term "god" is very widely used, the most used concept, and probably it doesn't indicate anything valid (no proofs for sure). It's not a clear and univocal concept. Another example is "winner", "loser". I don't acknowledge those terms, even though they're in the dictionary.

The same applies to "discipline". It's all a matter of placing yourself in situations where you want something, know how to get it, and get it.

For example, I am not fat. Discipline? No. I just don't buy food, and keep my refrigerator empty. Does it cost me any effort? Nope. It costs me less efforts than to go shopping and eat what I buy. I know that if I keep my refrigerator empty I won't eat. Where's the "discipline"? It's just knowing the recipe, and following the recipe.

I think it's the same with trading, and the only problem is that I don't know the recipe. Know how to do it, place yourself in the situation where you can do it... if instead the situation is not right, and you're lacking the right ingredients, then you can't do it. I am lacking the ingredients, but first of all the recipe (actually I don't even know what the ingredients are).

So I think the term "discipline" is misleading in every field. Once again, I don't acknowledge the existence of that concept, even though the term exists and is abused.

If I had to summarize how to achieve something, it is rather by using the term "knowledge". You are profitable if you know how to do it (you know the recipe) and have the ingredients. It's pointless to inject the ingredient of "discipline" if you don't have the other ingredients, just as in everything else. It's not a magic ingredient, such as knowledge is.

Summary of my post: "discipline is a bull**** concept". Screw discipline. There's no such thing. Tell me when to buy and sell, and I will show you that I can be profitable as well.

Of course, I do know when to buy and sell from my systems, but my systems trade too rarely to be traded manually. I am talking about a method/system (even if partly discretionary) that trades several times per day, or else such recipe cannot be implemented by a human (and that's why I have my systems).

So give me the recipe, and not a boring biblical recipe, and I will show you that I can be a profitable discretionary trader as well. (There's a slight but not total contradiction in using "recipe" and "discretionary", because the recipe could have some discretionary parts).

Ok, here's a simple example, to define the problem even more clearly. Let's say the recipe is the one I have for ZN_ON_2: "when the ZN is extremely oversold or overbought, go in the opposite direction for x hours and you will make money most of the time...". Big deal, dude. That happens once a month. That is a valid recipe, but I don't have the ingredients to make it a manual strategy. I will be too bored to execute such a recipe (whether with additional discretionary ingredients or not). So that is what I mean by saying that i need non-biblical recipe. And I have none. I don't have a method that trades several times a day and makes money.
Click to expand...

We will have to agree to disagree because I disagree with practically everything you say here.

I want to earn money as a discretionary trader and I am 99.9% positive that I'm not going to manage it without great discipline.

The fat guy is fat because he wants that food more than you. If you wanted the food as bad as him, you would just go to the shop to get the food. There won't be many fat people that you could get to slim down just by keeping their fridges empty.

You talk about finding a recipe for doing discretionary trading. All the methods of discretionary trading I've ever come across require discipline though to stick to the plan. I think what you are talking about is finding a recipe to do discretionary trading by circumventing the need for discipline.

Despite what you say, I think you are experienced enough in the markets to put together plans for a dozen different discretionary traders. But you don't have a recipe to make trade after trade according to your discretionary rules without messing up.

I don't say it's impossible to find such a recipe, I'm just saying that's not what I'm going to do, I'm going to try using discipline to apply my strategy, and every time I get it wrong I'm going to examine exactly why I did it wrong and I'll isolate the issues causing it and learn a way of dealing with them. Presumably by putting myself outside my "comfort zone" and training myself to accept unpleasant situations and act according to my plan rather than according to my wishes, I can succeed, i.e. by applying discipline.

If you find a way of getting around that process then not only will you make yourself wealthy by trading, but you'll also be able to sell millions of books or training courses and so forth.
 
sleepless again

Damn, I ran out of xanax and sure enough I am sleepless. Drinking some wine right now, which helps but it's much slower.

So I'll write something in the meanwhile. Which also helps.

And play non-stop on loop my favorite song of the moment:
http://www.subzin.com/quotes/Fast+Track

...00:01:28 # Now here's a little game for you to play #
00:01:32 # What kind would you say? #
00:01:36 # A sort of a puzzle as you soon will see #
00:01:41 # Now you've intrigued me #
00:01:44 # All you have to do is add things up #
00:01:48 # Sounds simple enough #
00:01:52 # And imagine what one plus one plus one #
00:01:56 # Will be #
00:02:00 # All we need #
00:02:03 # Is an afternoon of skipping through the mind...

I don't know what "skipping through the mind" means but I could use some of that, too.

I can't start messing with my systems or it'll wake me up even further. I need something light, like writing hier. And skipping and misspelling words, as usual, due to taking xanax which causes some sort of amnesia, even in small doses.

Well, here's a little game for you and I...

Nice song. Wine still not kicking in.

Turned the alarm off. Screw them all.

Guess what. This song would not be the same without the girl singing it. She brings a lot to it. Half of what I like is brought by her voice.

No way... she is actually on wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karen_Elson

Hot girl, too.

Anyway, I have to answer to adamus.

There. I replied. So I am now resuming my insomniac post.

A part of my worries is that part I can't talk about due to a superior entity not being pleased with my thoughts being reported on my journal. So let's just skip that part.

The rest of my worries have to do with the fact that I am still at the office and I don't see the end approaching, except by retiring at the regular retirement age. I need a lot more than an afternoon of skipping through the mind.

I don't know what'll come out of this investment deal. Proceeding very slowly. Potentially it will increase exponentially or similar, potentially, but right now I am seeing no returns and so on. Basically the problem is that at this rate I don't see the end of my "office space" life. Not getting into details.


Just like in the video above, "I believe I can fly" turns into "I believe... you have my stapler".

More and more tired. More and more drunk, but still not falling asleep. Those *******s. I have some resentment towards my colleagues. Not getting into details.

Need to write something worthwhile and worthwriting.

I can't write about superior entity.

What's left.

Not much left. But I am still venting out some stress, regardless of not mentioning the exact causes.

Back to my old writing self.

Leaving it all black on white, ink on paper. All virtual.

Killing my enemies and worries with my pen... keyboard. Keypresses.

Need to write more. Still unable to fall asleep. Damn. I think too much, as they all say.

"You think too much".

Damn.

Damn.

Screw them all.

Maybe my dad will give me some money, maybe it will take another illness, tumor or similar... I mean, we were talking the other night and he asked, frustrated, why I was so dependent (emotionally, too) on other people to invest on my systems, and asked me what it took to invest on my systems (which I talk about all the time) and I said that it took about 45k, and he seemed to almost be willing to offer the capital, but "almost" only. Yeah, and I didn't ask the question "so why don't you give me the money?". I have been humbled enough by my dad to ask him this type of questions any more. If something drastic happened such as being dropped by the investors or having some serious illness, he might finally give me some serious dough. But for a while longer my life will just keep being like this:


And it's getting closer and closer to the fool on the hill, or the fool on the desk:


Ok, this is it... it's happening: I am falling asleep.

Still listening to myself and not to them:
And he never listens to them,
He knows that they're the fools
Click to expand...
But it's getting harder and harder.

Nope, thought wrong. I am not falling asleep yet.

Damn.

At least I can count on one thing: gravity. Even though here it says it is not the same everywhere:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Earth's_gravity#Variation_in_gravity_and_apparent_gravity
The strength of Earth's apparent gravity varies with latitude, altitude, local topography and geology...
Click to expand...

However, there's some gravity everywhere I go on earth, so this gives me some confidence. I know I can cling to this force. This force will never let me down. Yeah, gravity's my best friend.

Getting closer and closer. Another 15 minutes, and I will turn this off and try to go to sleep again. Hey, my body and mind are complaining to a... "I believe you have my stapler" lifestyle. This is not what I expected from life. No one helped me, my dad mostly discouraged me, and here I am - I failed.

Damn, I can hear the neighbour coughing. Tsucks. So he can hear me type as well. Maybe he's coughing to complain about my music. Screw the neighbours, too.

Getting there... last few words.

"Destiny"... some say "I believe in destiny". The concept is tempting.... but it's meaningless bull****. It's all random. No one has meant us to be anything.

I will quote, as my last few words before falling asleep, some part of the song I've kept listening throughout this post, Little Game.

Still coughing. Screw you, man, why did you get a room so close to mine? I was here first.

Ok, quoting and then going to bed.

Still coughing.

Damn.

Oh, actually good, maybe he dies. Keep coughing.

00:01:28 # Now here's a little game for you to play #
00:01:32 # What kind would you say? #
00:01:36 # A sort of a puzzle as you soon will see #
00:01:41 # Now you've intrigued me #
Click to expand...

Still coughing. Damn asshole.

Ok. Good night to all.
 
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