Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
- Start date
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Little Mary went running to her Daddy as soon as he got home from work.
"Daddy Daddy I'm so glad you're home!" she said loudly.
"Why whatever is the matter?" asked Daddy.
"It's Mommy!" replied little Mary. "she nearly died today!"
"What?" said Daddy.
"Yes" said little Mary excitedly, "She was lying on the bed shouting "Oh God, I'm coming! I'm coming", but we were lucky 'cos the milkman was holding her down and wouldn't let her go!"
The old ones are the best.
demag.
"Daddy Daddy I'm so glad you're home!" she said loudly.
"Why whatever is the matter?" asked Daddy.
"It's Mommy!" replied little Mary. "she nearly died today!"
"What?" said Daddy.
"Yes" said little Mary excitedly, "She was lying on the bed shouting "Oh God, I'm coming! I'm coming", but we were lucky 'cos the milkman was holding her down and wouldn't let her go!"
The old ones are the best.
demag.
china white
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a nice one from the other side of the pond:
quote:
"Guns vs Doctors
1. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000
2. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000
3. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is
1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE
HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.Please alert your friends to this alarming
threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand."
End of quote.
quote:
"Guns vs Doctors
1. The number of physicians in the US is 700,000
2. Accidental deaths caused by Physicians per year is 120,000
3. Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171
Then think about this:
a. The number of gun owners in the US is 80,000,000.
b. The number of accidental gun deaths per year (all age groups) is
1,500.
c. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is .0000188.
Statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners. FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE
HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.Please alert your friends to this alarming
threat. We must ban doctors before this gets out of hand."
End of quote.
LemmingInvestor
Junior member
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Potentially vs. realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference
between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment,then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.
"So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I
wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love
to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but
realistically we're living with two slappers. The father replied "That's my boy."
A young boy went up to his father and asked "What's the difference
between potentially and realistically?"
The father ponders for a moment,then answered "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, then come back and tell me what you learned.
"So the boy went to his mother and asked "Mum would you sleep with
Robert Redford for a million quid?" The mother replied "Definitely, I
wouldn't pass an opportunity like that."
The boy then went to his older sister and asked "Would you sleep with
Brad Pitt for a million quid?" The girl replied "Oh gosh, I would just love
to do that, I would be nuts to pass up that opportunity."
The boy then thought about it for a few days, and went back to his father.
His father asked him "Did you find the difference between potentially
and realistically?"
The boy replied "Yes, potentially we're sitting on 2 million quid, but
realistically we're living with two slappers. The father replied "That's my boy."
LemmingInvestor
Junior member
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George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After
his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the U N ?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes ?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden ?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after
recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?"
his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. "Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the U N ?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes ?
And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden ?"
Just then the bell rings for recess.
George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after
recess.
When they resume George says, "OK, where were we?
Oh that's right --- question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand.
George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions.
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?
And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?"
A succesful businessman asks his shapely secretary "Will you sleep with me for £1,000,000?"
Flattered, she replies "Why yes sir".
"In that case" he says, "will you sleep with me for £10?"
"Certainly not!" she retorts, "what kind of a girl do you think I am?"
"My dear girl, we have already established that" he replies.
"Now we are negotiating the contract".
Flattered, she replies "Why yes sir".
"In that case" he says, "will you sleep with me for £10?"
"Certainly not!" she retorts, "what kind of a girl do you think I am?"
"My dear girl, we have already established that" he replies.
"Now we are negotiating the contract".
A man and his wife were driving down a country lane when without warning two chickens ran out of a gate and down the lane at a tremendous rate.
"Did you see that?" said the man, "those chickens both had three legs!"
He accelerated hard to catch them up and they both turned off the road and up a farm track where a large sign read "Smith's Oven Ready Chickens".
The man swerved into the farm track and it took him all his driving skill to get any where near them and avoid crashing.
Eventually the track opened up into a large farmyard where an old farmer was sitting smoking his pipe.
The car skidded to a halt by the old man in a shower of dust and pebbles as the two chickens went hurtling across the farmyard.
The man jumped out of the car and said excitedly to the old farmer "We've just chased a couple of three legged chickens in here. They were going at a hell of a rate, I couldn't keep up with them!".
"I know", said the old farmer calmly, "we've got 'undreds of 'em. The missus started breedin' 'em last year as a bit of a hobby".
"Incredible!" said the car driver, "What do they taste like?"
"Dunno", said the old farmer, "We 'aven't managed to catch one yet!"
"Did you see that?" said the man, "those chickens both had three legs!"
He accelerated hard to catch them up and they both turned off the road and up a farm track where a large sign read "Smith's Oven Ready Chickens".
The man swerved into the farm track and it took him all his driving skill to get any where near them and avoid crashing.
Eventually the track opened up into a large farmyard where an old farmer was sitting smoking his pipe.
The car skidded to a halt by the old man in a shower of dust and pebbles as the two chickens went hurtling across the farmyard.
The man jumped out of the car and said excitedly to the old farmer "We've just chased a couple of three legged chickens in here. They were going at a hell of a rate, I couldn't keep up with them!".
"I know", said the old farmer calmly, "we've got 'undreds of 'em. The missus started breedin' 'em last year as a bit of a hobby".
"Incredible!" said the car driver, "What do they taste like?"
"Dunno", said the old farmer, "We 'aven't managed to catch one yet!"
The police are ordered to clean up the high street for a big parade, and are patrolling the pavements when a drunk staggers towards them. ‘Excuse me, offisher,’ he says to one constable. ‘Could you pleash tell me the time?’ The constable frowns at him. ‘One o'clock,’ he replies – before whacking the drunk over the head with his baton. ‘Christ,’ said the drunk, reeling. ‘I'm glad I didn't ask you an hour ago.’
stoploss please
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Dunlop
Got a feeling Skim is going to give you a puncture.
Got a feeling Skim is going to give you a puncture.
Vaco
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i saw this and just knew you guys would love it, i reckon it will make no 1
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/saddam_outkast.asp
http://www.liquidgeneration.com/poptoons/saddam_outkast.asp
