Best Thread Joke of the day

[TheBramble]

Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating St Patrick's Day.

Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinking anymore tonight Paddy".

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then".

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face. "Shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!".

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the pavement. He falls flat on his face. "Bi' Jesus... I'm fockin' focked" he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the door frame, opens the door and shimmies inside.

He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fockin' way". He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says "I can make it to the bed". He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face.

He says "Fock it" and crawls into bed.

The next morning, his wife Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?". Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?".

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub".

 

[Chimaera]

There are 3 types of person.

Those that can do maths,

and those that can't.



C

 

[TheBramble]

...and the other two....?

 

[Salty Gibbon]

Survey


Last month, the U.N. worldwide conducted a survey. The only question asked was, "Would you please give your most honest opinion about a solution to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a HUGE failure.

In Africa they did not know what "food" meant.

In Western Europe they did not know what "shortage" meant.

In Eastern Europe they did not know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they did not know what "solution" meant.

In South America they did not know what "please" meant.

In Asia they did not know what "honest" meant.

And in the USA they did not know what "the rest of world" meant.

 

[ChartMan]

Brain teaser..... make a sentence in which the word THAT appears 4 times consecutively. Skim is excluded...

 

[DanielLambert]

...

 

[DanielLambert]

Charman , Ive managed five!!!!

"I told her that that "that" that that headline contained was misspelled."

 

[DanielLambert]

Charman?!?!?! sorry I meant Chartman ,

Must be Freud telling me its time for a cup of tea

 

[ChartMan]

:cheesy: :cheesy:

 

[TheBramble]

Charman , Ive managed five!!!!

"I told her that that "that" that that headline contained was misspelled."

Daniel, when you told us that 'that that "that" that that headline contained was misspelled' I was really surprised.

 

[BBB]

http://www.keithhearn.net/skirts.htm

chortle...

 

[oatman]

Spose it'll be on the front of mens' jeans soon

 

[tradesmart]

The markets have been worrying about the price of oil recently and now Joe Public has noticed........!?!

( A gas station in Menlo Park, California, displays a sign that says it all)

 

[lockstock]

ORAL CURE

A woman was in a coma. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a response on the monitor when she touched her.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "Crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy. The hubby finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran into the room. The husband was standing there, pulling up his pants, and said, "I think she choked."

 

[oatman]

Maybe this should be in Techies Corner

Dear Technical Support,

12 months ago, I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2,
which I had used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and
the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound
turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. I tried a shareware
program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my
system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same
time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other,
they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product
soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeShagPlus
and Cleanhouse2004. Shortly after this upgrade, however, I found that
Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made
were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.

They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them. Wife
1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can,
without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge. These latter products
have no Help files, and I have to try to guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly,
requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and Hairstyle Express
which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns
unwelcome child processes that drain my resources. These conflict with
some of the new games I wanted to try out, warning me that they are an
illegal operation.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi A3 hard drive, it often
crashes. Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called
MotherInLaw, which can't be turned off. Recently I've been tempted to
install Mistress 2004, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has
alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2004, it tends
to delete all of your Money before uninstalling itself.

Please help! Any ideas?

 

[BBB]

lol - Its when someones hacked into Wife 1.0 and implanted a virus you need help, although of course you can always take the damaged goods in for a no quibble refund or replacement

 

[chump]

Wife 1.0 won't run without DIY 3.3 and that only runs on Sundays

 

[BBB]

Wouldn't know. Im on Girlfriend 12.2 but thats incompatible with MyMoney5.2. I've had it with all this modern technology. I want to find something that is compatible with IronBoard, KitchenSink, Stove and Hoover. Dont care about the version - as long as it does what it promises to do on the box and doesnt interfere with MyMoney5.2. It would be good if I could get this in one bundle?

 

[jpwone]

I found that when I upgraded to Wife 1.0 that FreeShagPlus and Cleanhouse2004 developed an intermittent fault after a relatively short period of time. They seem to work reasonably well when FlowerMatic and Restaurant Express are run on a regular basis.

 

[chump]

"Wouldn't know. Im on Girlfriend 12.2 but thats incompatible with MyMoney5.2. I've had it with all this modern technology. I want to find something that is compatible with IronBoard, KitchenSink, Stove and Hoover. Dont care about the version - as long as it does what it promises to do on the box and doesnt interfere with MyMoney5.2. It would be good if I could get this in one bundle"?

...sounds like you need to source some software from eastern Europe..for sure in this country you're looking for gold dust