Best Thread Joke of the day
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trendie
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from Private Eye:
cartoon of several armed police pointing guns at a man held on the ground, and there are broken things all over the room. Police holding up and pointing to a piece of paper.
caption: [Man on ground says]
Its not a secret terrorist message written in an Islamic script; its my normal writing. I'm a doctor!!
cartoon of several armed police pointing guns at a man held on the ground, and there are broken things all over the room. Police holding up and pointing to a piece of paper.
caption: [Man on ground says]
Its not a secret terrorist message written in an Islamic script; its my normal writing. I'm a doctor!!
fibonelli
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A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The
woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins
snoring loudly. The woman
thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached
to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
where we were .. or what we did ... but, by God .. We took first and
second place.
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to
tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring.
Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog
begins snoring, as usual.
The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she
goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully
around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The
woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins
snoring loudly. The woman
thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So, she goes to the closet
again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's
testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.
The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror
and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused,
and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached
to his dog's testicles.
He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know
where we were .. or what we did ... but, by God .. We took first and
second place.
TheBramble
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A Rag Bag of Quotes
A kind soul thought of me (dunno why) and decided to send me these, so I'm passing them on to you.
Not all of them appear immediately funny. Like many here really...
Not in that category are some from a guy called Jack Handy who I haven't heard of before, but with whom, unfortunately for me I suspect, I feel a deep sense of connection.
Haven't done any typo or spell checking so no doubt Captain Grammar (aka Rols) will be along with his semantics broom and syntax brushes shortly. On which point, has anyone else noticed how when a post gets made in this thread, it invariably causes one or more to follow up in short order...
When your dreams tire, they go underground and out of kindness that's where they stay.
Libby Houston
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by
Author: Douglas Adams
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
Rodney Dangerfield
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.
Ronnie Shakes
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Jack Handy
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
Jack Handy
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Jack Handy
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Security puts a premium on feebleness.
H.G. Wells
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Anonymous
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Anonymous
Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.
Theodore Roosevelt
The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.
Voltaire
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
A kind soul thought of me (dunno why) and decided to send me these, so I'm passing them on to you.
Not all of them appear immediately funny. Like many here really...
Not in that category are some from a guy called Jack Handy who I haven't heard of before, but with whom, unfortunately for me I suspect, I feel a deep sense of connection.
Haven't done any typo or spell checking so no doubt Captain Grammar (aka Rols) will be along with his semantics broom and syntax brushes shortly. On which point, has anyone else noticed how when a post gets made in this thread, it invariably causes one or more to follow up in short order...
When your dreams tire, they go underground and out of kindness that's where they stay.
Libby Houston
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by
Author: Douglas Adams
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.
William Clayton
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him .... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!
Rodney Dangerfield
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes. He said, No hablo ingles.
Ronnie Shakes
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Jack Handy
Maybe in order to understand mankind we have to look at that word itself. MANKIND. Basically, it's made up of two separate words mank and ind. What do these words mean? It's a mystery and that's why so is mankind.
Jack Handy
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don't run with wooden stakes.
Jack Handy
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way. - Deep Thoughts (Saturday Night Live)
Jack Handy
I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?
Paul Merton
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
Sue Murphy
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
Mel Brooks
Security puts a premium on feebleness.
H.G. Wells
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder
Anonymous
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
Anonymous
Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far.
Theodore Roosevelt
The ideal form of government is democracy tempered with assassination.
Voltaire
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Emo Philips
neil
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An 80 year old man sees a frog in difficulty and rescues it. As he was about to place the frog on a nearby lily pad the frog suddenly spoke: "Thanks for rescuing me. I am really a princess so if you kiss me I can transform into my human form and then we can marry and live in a castle."
The old boy pondered her offer for a moment before replying; " Nah, no thanks, at my time of life I think I prefer a talking frog."
The old boy pondered her offer for a moment before replying; " Nah, no thanks, at my time of life I think I prefer a talking frog."
rols
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Stockexpert
Somebody just sent me this...
....top tips!
http://www.stockxpert.com/browse.phtml?f=view&id=2830461
Somebody just sent me this...
....top tips!
http://www.stockxpert.com/browse.phtml?f=view&id=2830461
It's not trading that's making you like this, is it?
Bad influences, perhaps?You never used to be like this, before.
Pardon me, for reading this stuff
Pat494
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There was an old age couple that decided to brighten up their rather dull lives with a cruise in the Med. Every evening they played parlour games to pass the time. In one game everyone sat round the table and thought of a subject. The subject would be written on a piece of paper and put in a hat. Then the hat was passed round and each person took a piece of paper out of the hat and had to talk about the subject for 5 minutes.
Well the wife had decided for an early night and went off to her cabin. So the old man played without her. As luck would have it he picked the subject of sex. After a few drinks to calm the nerves, he really let it all out, without his wife there, and got a standing ovation.
When he got back to their cabin his wife asked what he had talked about. Pardon he said trying to avoid mentioning the subject. Comm’on she said you heard me what did you talk about. He said yachting and rolled over and went to sleep.
Next day the wife meets up with her friend who had also played. Her friend said. “Your husband really knew what he was talking about last night. What said the wife. He’s only done it twice. Once he got sick and the second time his hat blew off !
By Ronnie Corbett
Well the wife had decided for an early night and went off to her cabin. So the old man played without her. As luck would have it he picked the subject of sex. After a few drinks to calm the nerves, he really let it all out, without his wife there, and got a standing ovation.
When he got back to their cabin his wife asked what he had talked about. Pardon he said trying to avoid mentioning the subject. Comm’on she said you heard me what did you talk about. He said yachting and rolled over and went to sleep.
Next day the wife meets up with her friend who had also played. Her friend said. “Your husband really knew what he was talking about last night. What said the wife. He’s only done it twice. Once he got sick and the second time his hat blew off !
By Ronnie Corbett
Atilla
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There are four kinds of sex:
HOUSE SEX
When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX
After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX
After you have been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "fock you"
COURTROOM SEX
When your wife and her lawyer fock you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. :cheesy: :cheesy: :cheesy:
Atilla
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
Atilla
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A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. A s she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know...
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. A s she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know...
