Best Thread Joke of the day

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees
this huge black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7
feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound
right testicle, Turner Brown."

The little white guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels
down to bring him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with
you?"

In a weak voice the little guy say, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says,"I saw the curious look and figured I'd give you the
answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I
weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs
3pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...OH, Thank God! I thought you said
"Turn around!"
 
Paddy applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts If you think that represents a hundred!"
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.

So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"
 
boy said:
Paddy applies for a job, but the foreman won't employ him until he passes a little maths test.
"Here's your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" the Irishman says, "Dat is easy." and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the boss asks.
"Haven't you got a brain? Tree and tree and tree makes nine," says the Irishman.
"Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Apply the same rules using the number 99, this time."
The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "Dere you go."

The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?"
"Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat equals 99."
The boss starts getting worried that he's actually going to have to give the Irishman the job, so he says, "All right, final question: same rules again, but represent the number 100."

The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Dere you go. One hundred."

The boss looks at the illustration and bursts out: "You must be nuts If you think that represents a hundred!"
Whereby the Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, saying: "A little dog came along and crapped by each tree.

So now you've got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, dat makes one hundred. ... So, when do I be starting the job?!"
Click to expand...
LOL - Excellent ! :LOL: :LOL:
 
A doozie

In 1994 at the annual awards dinner given for Forensic Science, AAFS. The President Dr Don Harter Mills astounded his audience with legal complications of a bizarre death.

On March 23, 1994 a medical officer examined the body of Ronald Opus. He concluded that Mr Opus had died as a result of a shotgun wound to the head.

Mr Opus had jumped from the top of a ten storey building intending to commit suicide. He had left a note to the effect indicating his despondency.

As he fell past the ninth floor his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast passing through a window, which killed him instantly.

Neither the shooter nor the the deceased was aware that a safety net had been installed just below the eighth floor level to protect some building workers and that Ronald Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide the way he had planned.

Ordinarily a person who sets out to commit suicide and ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended, is still defined as committing suicide.

The fact that Mr Opus was shot on the way to certain death, but probably would not have been successful because of the safety net, caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.

In the room on the ninth floor, where the shotgun blast eminated, was occupied by an elderly couple.

They were arguing vigorously and the husband was threatening the wife with a shotgun. The husband was so upset that when he pulled the trigger he missed his wife and the pellets went through the window striking Mr Opus in the head, on his way down.

When one intends to kill a subject "A" but kills subject "B' by mistake one is guilty of murder of subject "B"

When confronted with the charge of murder the old man and his wife were adamant and both said that they thought the gun was unloaded.

The old man explained that it was a long-standing habit to threaten his wife with an un-loaded shotgun during the course of their arguments. He had no intention to murder her.

Therefore the killing of Mr Opus appeared to be an unfortunate accident; that is, if the gun had been accidently loaded.

The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old couple's son loading the shotgun about six weeks prior to the argument and fatal shooting.

It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son, knowing the ponpensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that his Father would shoot his Mother.

Since the loader of the gun, was aware of this, he was guilty of murder even though he didn't actually pull the trigger.

The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

Now comes the exquisit twist. Further investigations revealed that the son was in fact, Ronald Opus.

He had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt to engineer his Mother's murder on March 23rd 1994 he went to the the top of the ten story building and jumped off, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through the ninth story window.

The son had actually murdered himself.
 
That story reminds me of the Darwin Awards, dedicated to people who improve the gene pool by removing themselves from it.

"We salute the improvement of the human genome
by honoring those who remove themselves from it in really stupid ways.
Of necessity, this honor is generally bestowed posthumously. "

http://www.darwinawards.com/
 
Cinderella wants to attend the Halloween ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball. As usual there are two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella does not show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power!. What was his name?"

"I can't remember exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

:eek: :eek:
 
ale said:
Cinderella wants to attend the Halloween ball but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball. As usual there are two conditions.

"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?" "You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella does not show up.
Finally, at 5 a.m. Cinderella shows up looking love-struck and "very" satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."

"I know of no prince with that kind of power!. What was his name?"

"I can't remember exactly... Peter, Peter, something or other..."

:eek: :eek:
Click to expand...

What?
 
A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on a transcontinental train. They asked the Guard if these arrangements could be changed but were informed that the sleeping compartments were all fully booked.

While they were initially embarassed and apprehensive about sharing a compartment they were both tired and they fell asleep quite quickly, the man in the top bunk and the woman in the lower bunk.

However at 2.00am the man suddenly woke up feeling cold. He leaned down and gently prodded the woman awake. "I'm really sorry to bother you" he said "but could you please reach into the closet and pass me an extra blanket because I'm feeling quite cold"

"I've a much better idea" she replied "Just for tonight lets pretend we're married"

"Wow, thats a great idea" he exclaimed

"Good" she said "Now get your own f***ing blanket"
>
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After a few moments of complete silence he suddenly farted very loudly !
 
Find The Man

Subject: Find The Man
Doctors have concluded that if you find the man in 3 seconds that your Right half of your brain is less developed than most people. If you find the man between 3 seconds and one minute, then your right half of the brain is developed normally. If you find the man between one minute and 3 minutes, then the right half of your brain is functioning slowly and You need to eat more protein. If you have not found the man after 3 minutes your right half of your brain is a mess, and the only advice is to look more for these types of exercises to make that part of the brain stronger. The man really is there. In fact, once you find him, you cannot miss him afterwards
 

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I used a split second stopwatch. I have alarmed myself to spot the man in 1.2 seconds. I would be interested in members response times. Please use a proper stopwatch or a sweep second hand on a wristwatch, and no cheating please. Many thanks.
 
SOCRATES said:
I used a split second stopwatch. I have alarmed myself to spot the man in 1.2 seconds. I would be interested in members response times. Please use a proper stopwatch or a sweep second hand on a wristwatch, and no cheating please. Many thanks.
Click to expand...
LOL - Well of course we all believe you :LOL: :LOL:

You predictably had to claim that it took you less than 3 seconds to try and be consistent with your really absurd stance that you are superior to everyone else :rolleyes: :rolleyes: .

You are a classic case of someone who is truly burdened with low self esteem and an inferiority complex :(

If anyone is interested (and there is no reason why they should be) it took me about 5 or 6 seconds to spot the man, which puts me into the 'normal' or average level of RHB development. I didn't need a 'split second stopwatch' to time myself either since I could figure it out by just checking my watch which has a regular sweep second hand. That's what "normal" people do ! :p
 
jezza888 said:
Wasn't it your post!?!?!!?
Click to expand...

Er... I was trying to make a joke out of the situation, I actually spotted the man in 20 seconds - thats why I work in Burger King I suppose.
:rolleyes:
 
Funny how you fool yourslf into looking for something else !

I thought it was like one of those "spot the dalmation amongst the spots" type joke, so I fixated on trying to see a face made up of the beans.
Then I saw the actual man.

Like boy, I also took about 15-20 secs.

Oh dear.
Do you want fries with that, sir !!
 
Dear Socrates,
I need your help. You are a pure genious. (1.2 seconds)

Kriesau,
I take my hat off to you. (5 - 6 seconds)

Rog1111,
You seem to have stolen most of the matter in my head. (7 seconds)

Boy and Trendie,
What can I say? (20 seconds)

Some of us tend to find out the hard and cruel way that we are dumber than dumb. We will not mention names but it took a certain member 50 seconds to spot the obvious. Please PM said member with details of any basic labour jobs available.
 
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