Best Thread Joke of the day

Q: How many forum members does it take to change a light bulb?

1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed
14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently
7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs
1 to warn of of charlatan bulb peddlers and false claims of successful changes
1 to move it to the Lighting section
2 to argue then move it to the Electricals section
7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs
5 to flame the spell checkers
3 to correct spelling/grammar flames
6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid
2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct
19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum
11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty
7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs
4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy
4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs"
1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

pete
 
This Is Spooky

Please read the text first - very spooky.

Before watching the advert please read the text below

First - only those with the power will see the ghostly spirit.

Turn up the sound to hear the faint eerie moan.

Watch your screen closely with sound
This is a VW advert from central Europe somewhere. When they finished filming the ad the people who made it noticed something moving along the side of the car, like a ghostly white mist and an eerie moan.

The ad was never approved for TV broadcast because, if the unexplained ghostly phenomenon frightened the production team out of their wits, the general population of mainly poorly educated and superstitious farm workers would flip out big style.

Watch it and about halfway through, as the car emerges from the clump of trees. Look and you will see the white mist crossing in front of the car then following it along the road......Spooky!

You must concentrate and clear your mind.

DO NOT WATCH IF YOU HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION OR ARE EASILY SCARED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

 

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You are truly insane Sir.
Love it.

As a warning to all do not do this at 2 in the morning!
 
please forward all emails to my new address at:
ICU,
care of Dr Smith
General Hospital,
London,

:) :) that WAS scary
 
joke to brighten your day :cheesy: :LOL:

A couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, "Honey, I'll be right back."

Where are you going, Coochy Coo?" asked the wife. I'm going to the bar, Pretty Face. I'm going to have a beer." The wife said, "You want a beer, my love?" She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, "Yes, lollipop.... but at the bar...you know... they have frozen glasses... " He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, "You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?" She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, "Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious...I won't be long. I'll be right back. I promise...OK?" "You want hors d'oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?" She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and pork strips.

"But my sweet honey...at the bar....you know, there's swearing, dirty words and all that..." "You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? "LISTEN UP DI CK HEAD! SIT DOWN, SHUT THE F*** UP, DRINK YOUR DAMN BEER IN YOUR F***ING FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR F***ING HORS D'OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN'T GOING TO A F***ING BAR! THAT SH IT IS OVER...GOT IT, ASSHOLE?"

...and, they lived happily ever after. Isn't that a sweet story :cheesy: :LOL:
 
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Here's the pic!

rols said:
Probably more amusing to us Brits.....
Click to expand...
!!
 

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To the citizens of the United States of America, in light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II resumes monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.8% of you who have, until now, been unaware there's a world outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America. Congress and the Senate are disbanded. A questionnaire circulated next year will determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid your transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. Look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Check "aluminium" in the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you pronounce it. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'. Likewise you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary."

Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope with bad language then you should not have chat shows.

2. There is no such thing as "U.S. English." We'll let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u'.

3. You should learn to distinguish English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). Scottish dramas such as 'Taggart' will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.You must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" e.g. Texasshire Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1.

5. You should stop playing American "football." There's only one kind of football. What you call American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.1% of you aware there is a world outside your borders may have noticed no one else plays "American" football. You should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls.

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

You should stop playing baseball. It's not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team stripe, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.

6. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns, or anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because you are not sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you need a permit to carry a vegetable peeler.

7. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday. It will be called "Indecisive Day."

8. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

9. Learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren't French, they're Belgian though 97.8% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is actually lager. Only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer." Substances once known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," except for the product of the American Budweiser company which will be called "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine." This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

11. The UK will harmonise petrol prices (or "Gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it) for those of the former USA, adopting UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon, get used to it).

12. Learn to resolve personal issues without guns, lawyers or therapists. That you need many lawyers and therapists shows you're not adult enough to be independent. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

13. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

14. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).

Thank you for your co-operation.

* John Cleese
[Basil Fawlty, Fawlty Towers, Torquay, Devon, England]
 
I got a phone call from an old girl friend of mine this morning. We lost track of time talking about the really wild nights that we used to enjoy together.

I was really surprised and rather excited when she suddenly suggested that we meet up again to see if we could rekindle some of that old magic.

"Wow" I said "I don't know whether I could keep up with you these days. I'm a little bit bigger and not so fit as I was in those days"

She just giggled and said that she was sure that I would rise to the challenge especially if she wore the sexy underwaer and seamed stockings that turned me on in the past. She suggested that we meet at the Wine Bar, which was our old haunt in the past, next Wednesday at 8.00pm

"Well that would be really great" I replied "so long as you don't mind a waistline that is a little wider these days"

She laughed and told me not to be so silly saying "Well I've put on a few pounds myself"

I hung up !
 
kriesau said:
I got a phone call from an old girl friend of mine this morning. We lost track of time talking about the really wild nights that we used to enjoy together.

I was really surprised and rather excited when she suddenly suggested that we meet up again to see if we could rekindle some of that old magic.

"Wow" I said "I don't know whether I could keep up with you these days. I'm a little bit bigger and not so fit as I was in those days"

She just giggled and said that she was sure that I would rise to the challenge especially if she wore the sexy underwaer and seamed stockings that turned me on in the past. She suggested that we meet at the Wine Bar, which was our old haunt in the past, next Wednesday at 8.00pm

"Well that would be really great" I replied "so long as you don't mind a waistline that is a little wider these days"

She laughed and told me not to be so silly saying "Well I've put on a few pounds myself"

I hung up !
Click to expand...
Yes, this goes to show what a great expert you are wnen it comes to lobsters.

It seems to me that about women you know practically nothing.
 
SOCRATES said:
Yes, this goes to show what a great expert you are wnen it comes to lobsters.

It seems to me that about women you know practically nothing.
Click to expand...
You clearly know nothing about lobsters - found any 'pink' ones in the sea yet :!:
:LOL: :LOL:

This belated response indicates that the exposure of your complete ignorance on this subject obviously has really stuck in your claw :cheesy:

As far as women are concerned that was a joke - this is supposed to be a joke thread. :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

You obviously lack any real sense of humour too, which only goes to show that you have never been a Lothario either :cheesy:
 
Quote by cj12: "Joke of day

Me getting kicked out of the chat room"
=========================================================

And me getting kicked out from HELL and end up here on T2W :LOL: :cheesy:
 
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kriesau said:
You clearly know nothing about lobsters - found any 'pink' ones in the sea yet :!:
:LOL: :LOL:

This belated response indicates that the exposure of your complete ignorance on this subject obviously has really stuck in your claw :cheesy:

As far as women are concerned that was a joke - this is supposed to be a joke thread. :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

You obviously lack any real sense of humour too, which only goes to show that you have never been a Lothario either :cheesy:
Click to expand...
There are lots of pink lobsters ashore, though.
 
Hard Decision?


This young rich man was looking for a wife, and had narrowed
his choices down to 3 women.

He couldn't make up his mind on which one he should marry, so he tested them. He gave each women $5,000 to see what they would spend it on.

The first woman went out, bought furs and jewels, and blew all the money on herself.
The second woman put half of it in the bank, and spent the rest of it on herself.
The third woman bought herself a dress, and many, many gifts for the young man.

Given these facts, which woman do you think the young man married?

answer: The woman with the biggest ti ts, of course!
 
Read aloud for best results.

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and

room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the

Far East

Economic Review...





Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"

RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"

G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

G: "What??"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"

G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

G: "Crisp will be fine."

RS : "Hokay. An San tos?"

G: "What?"

RS:"San tos. July San tos?"

G: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one

toes means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping

we bother?"

G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying Toast.' Fine.

Yes,an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

G: "No..just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

G: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,

tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"

G: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

G : "You're welcome"
 
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