Best Thread Joke of the day
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Salty Gibbon
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An Essex girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
counter "I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.
"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.
"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."
Salty Gibbon
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Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well,oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me
roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A
on them.
something strange about the wellies the Irish guy is wearing. She says,
"Scuse me mate, I aint being funny or nuffink, but why doz one of your
wellies 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it ?
So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies,
"Well,oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me
roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"
"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THATS why me knickers 'ave got C&A
on them.
TheBramble
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Essex Girl is involved in a road accident.
Paramedics quickly arrive and begin examing her.
Paramedic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Essex Girl: "Romford. Why?"
Paramedics quickly arrive and begin examing her.
Paramedic: "Where are you bleeding from?"
Essex Girl: "Romford. Why?"
Salty Gibbon
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An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many
children?" Asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in
the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO
BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
children?" Asks the council worker
"10" replies the Essex girl
"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"
"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"
Doesn't that get confusing?"
"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in
the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO
BED NOW and they all do it..."
"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council
worker.
"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
Salty Gibbon
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Essex Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."
She says "I'll take the red one."
The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."
FetteredChinos
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pilfered hugely from The Fool, yet i feel a certain affinity with quite a lot of these...
Rules of Manhood:
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss' car.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.
Rules of Manhood:
Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c) After wrecking your boss' car.
d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
e) When she is using her teeth
Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates.
Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
If you've known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.
Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate's fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
In fact, even remembering your mate's birthday is strictly optional.
On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.
When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
Only in situations of Moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another bloke in the nuts.
Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just mean.
Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a Mate of yours, except
if she's withholding sex pending your response.
Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: Both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no
reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.
It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,orange or sky blue.
The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets a Playstation 2.
Salty Gibbon
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Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their lives.
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
The one guy said, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, Young Urban Professional."
The second guy responded, "I'm a DINK. You know, Double Income No Kids."
They then asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied: "I'm a WIFE. You know, Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."
the blades
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Last edited:
Salty Gibbon
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Blades my friend, do you happen to know what f*** means ?
I have been awake all night wrestling with the problem and all I can come up with is fish, fart, fork and farm.
Are any of these correct ?
I'm afraid a Google search also threw no light on this matter which continues to both confound and irritate me.
I have been awake all night wrestling with the problem and all I can come up with is fish, fart, fork and farm.
Are any of these correct ?
I'm afraid a Google search also threw no light on this matter which continues to both confound and irritate me.
the blades
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Salty Gibbon said:
I could tell you, but then I'd have to delete you
UTB
This is funny...
http://www.panereh.com/march24.swf
march24.swf (application/x-shockwave-flash Object)
http://www.panereh.com/march24.swf
march24.swf (application/x-shockwave-flash Object)
TheBramble
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Coincidence
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to
a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for
me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked,"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to
a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of
champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for
me; I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man.
They clinked glasses and he asked,"What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynaecologist
told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my
hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "how did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
"What a coincidence," she said.
TheBramble
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Trunk Monkey
1.2MB (but IMEHO) very funny...
1.2MB (but IMEHO) very funny...
