Best Thread Joke of the day

I've just been sent this recipe. Does anyone know if it's any good? Might it distract me from my hand written point and figure chart?

You will need....
1 cup of water
1 tsp baking soda
1 cup of sugar
1 tsp salt
1 cup of brown sugar
lemon juice
4 large eggs
lots of nuts
1 bottle Vodka
2 cups of dried fruit

Sample the vodka to check quality.

Take a large bowl, check the vodka again.

To be sure it is the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.

Repeat.

Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy
bowl.

Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point it's best to make
sure the vodka is shtill OK.

Try another cup .... just in case. Turn off the mixerer.

Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.

Pick fruit off floor.

Mix on the turner.

If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers pry it loose with a sdrewscriver.

Sample the vodka to check for tonsisticity.

Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who giveshz a monkies.

Check the vodka.

Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.

Add one table.

Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.

Greash the oven and put in the fridge.

Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.

Don't forget to beat off the turner.

Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the vodka and kick the mirowave.

Fall into bed.

CHERRY MISTMAS!
 
I'm not trying to hog this page, but someone sent me this, and as it made me laugh, here it is:

TO: All Employees
>> > > DATE: 8 November 2004
>> > > SUBJECT: Re: Christmas Party
>> > >
>> > > I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We'll have a small band playing traditional carols .... please feel free to sing along.
>> > >
>> > > And don't be surprised if the MC shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1 pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone's pockets. This gathering is only for employees!
>> > > The MC will make a special announcement at the Party.
>> > >
>> > > Merry Christmas to you and your Family.
>> > >
>> > > Cheers,
>> > >
>> > > Pauline
>> > >
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > ----- ----- -----
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>> > > TO: All Employees
>> > > DATE: 9 November 2004
>> > > SUBJECT: Re: Holiday Party
>> > > In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognise that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we're calling it our"Holiday Party." The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians. There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment.
>> > >
>> > > Happy now?
>> > >
>> > > Happy Holidays to you and your family.
>> > >
>> > > Pauline
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > ----- ----- -----
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>> > > TO: All Employees
>> > > DATE: 10 November 2004
>> > > SUBJECT: Re: Holiday Party
>> > >
>> > > Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table ... you didn't sign your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only;" you wouldn't be anonymous anymore!!!!!
>> > >
>> > > How am I supposed to handle this?
>> > >
>> > > Somebody?
>> > >
>> > > Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap.
>> > >
>> > > NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
>> > >
>> > > Pauline
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > ----- ----- -----
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>> > > TO: All Employees
>> > > DATE: 11 November 2004
>> > > SUBJECT: Re: Holiday Party
>> > >
>> > > What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December
> 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours. There goes the party!
>> > > Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslin employees' beliefs perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party - or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work?
>> > >
>> > > Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will sit at the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, Lesbians do not have to sit with gay men,each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men's table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed.
>> > >
>> > > We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics, the restaurant cannot supply "No Sugar desserts. Sorry!
>> > >
>> > > Did I miss anything ?!?!?!?!
>> > >
>> > > Pauline
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > ----- ----- -----
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
>> > > TO: All Employees
>> > > DATE: 12 November 2004
>> > > SUBJECT: Re: The F****** Holiday Party
>> > >
>> > > Vegetarian pricks! I've had it with you people!!! We're going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill of death," as you so quaintly put it, and you'llget your f****** salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. I've heard them scream. I'm hearing them scream right
>> > > NOW!!
>> > > I hope you all have a rotten holiday, drink, drive and die.
>> > >
>> > > THE BITCH FROM HELL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > ----- ----- -----
>> > >
>> > >
>> > > FROM: John Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
>> > > TO: All Employees
>> > > DATE: 15 November 2004
>> > > SUBJECT: Re: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
>> > > I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I'll continue to forward your cards to her. In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay.
>> > > Peace and Good Will to All,
>> John
 
And now back to the elephant jokes of yesteryear.
Why did the elephant paint his feet yellow?
So he could hide upside down in a bowl of custard.
 
Rudolph............

A Russian couple were walking down a street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No that felt like snow to me, dear," she replied.

"No I'm sure it was rain " he said.

They were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then, they saw a minor communist party official walking towards them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether its officially raining or snowing."

As the man approached the husband said: "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course" he replied and walked on.

However, the woman insisted. "I know that felt like snow!"

To which the man quietly said .

"Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
 
Pearly gates

In heaven, there are two gates for married men: The gate for married men that say that they are the boss, and; the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss. Saint Peter was strolling near the two gates one afternoon. In front of the gate for married men who admit that their wife is the boss, was a big long line. In front of the gate for men who say the they are the boss was one fellow, standing all by himself. "Say Buddy, what are you doing over by THAT gate?" inquired Saint Peter. "Well, Saint Peter, I'm really not sure," replied the man "but this is where my wife told me to stand."
 
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you."

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.

They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and as she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen.

They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds.
This goes on for about forty minutes! She's yelling, "Ohhh, God!" He's hanging on to her hips for dear life. This is the most athletic sex imaginable.

Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on.

The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple passes, he says to them, "That was something else! You must have been having sex for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had a fantastic life together. Is there some sort of secret?"

The old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence"
 
Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want.
Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell
you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No
one will answer.
 
Yes, that's right. My holiday starts right here. No more trading till January. Your ass is mine!!!
 
Billy Connolly's Hate List

14 things I hate about everybody

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time....I know
where my watch is pal, where the f*ck is yours? Do I point at my crotch
when
I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their **** to search the entire
room
for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the
channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". F*cking right! What good is a cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "It's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the f*ck would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "Did you see that?". No ******, I paid 10 quid to come to the cinema and stare at the f*cking floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?". Didn't really give me a choice there, did you sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.

8. When people say "life is short". What the f*ck?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever f*cking does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, Kn*b head?

10. People who say things like 'My eyes aren't what they used to be'. So what did they used to be? ears, Wellington boots?

11. When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.

12. People who announce they are going to the toilet. Thanks that's an image I really didn't need.

13. McDonalds staff who pretend they don't understand you if you don't insert the 'Mc' before the item you are ordering.....It's has to be a McChicken Burger, just a Chicken Burger get blank looks. Well I'll have a McStraw and jam it in your McEyes you f*cking Mc******.

14. When you involved in an accident and someone asks 'are you alright?' Yes fine thanks, I'll just pick up my limbs and be off.
 
the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden. Then he said to himself, "There's
something he's needing.'"
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing around and created
a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.



Then he added a mouth.




Ruined the whole f*cking thing
 
wrong... but ... :LOL:
 

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I thought the joke of the day was that you received the same letter as me yesterday
Apparantly VINCE is moving his warehouse and some of the boxes of his seminar series have slight damage to them.
So being the nice guy he is he is selling them at a knock down price.
WHAT A GUY.
This letter takes pride and place in my cats letter tray???.
 
Washington Post - Redaffynitions

The Washington Post asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are a few of the better ones:-


Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

(My personal runner-up...)

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who
doesn't get it.

Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.

Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

(and my favourite...)

Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
 
George W. Bush, the American President, meets with the Queen of

England, Elizabeth II. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run

such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"



"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround

yourself with intelligent people."



Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really

intelligent?"



The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them

to answer an intelligence riddle." The Queen pushes a button on

her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"



Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"



The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and

father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your

sister.



Who is it?"



Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers,

"That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.



Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president

Dick Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your

father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your

sister. Who is it?"



"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you

on that one."



Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can

give him an answer. Finally, he goes over to Colin Powell's room

and asked:



"Colin! Can you answer this for me?



Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or

your sister. Who is it?"



Colin Powell smiles comfortably and said, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"



Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say,

I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's

Colin Powell."



Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney , and angrily yells into

his face, "No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"


:LOL:
 
A Pirate Story


A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm
fine now."

"Well, ok, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

"We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh, one day we were at sea and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them shat in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't lose an eye just from some bird shi t."

"It was my first day with the hook."
 
There was a young contestant on Big Brother
Who refused to get undressed in front of the others
When asked why he'd lied at his audition,he sied
When at home i'm always undressed by my mother
 
Is it hard to become an Architect?
Is it hard to qualify and succeed?
Is it hard to come up,with an original strut?
and do constraining planning laws make your heart bleed?

I wish I had the brains to be an Architect
I wouldn't have to live a dreary life
I'd design me a home,where the Buffalo roam
and get me a squaw for a wife
 
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