Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
Best Thread Joke of the day
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Creech
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Little Jonny
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.' Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had been in trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell Him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny stormed upstairs to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy thi year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny.
Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F****NG BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
>> >____________________________________________________________________
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. 'Mum, I want a bike for my birthday.' Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had been in trouble at school and at home. Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell Him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny stormed upstairs to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy thi year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny.
Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Your friend,
Johnny.
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Johnny's mother thought her plan had worked because Johnny looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary.
He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MUM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE F****NG BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
>> >____________________________________________________________________
Salty Gibbon
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After her business goes bust, a blonde woman named Sharon finds herself in dire financial trouble – so desperate, in fact, that she resorts to praying. ‘God, please help me,’ she wails. ‘I've lost my business, and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my car as well. Please let me win the lottery.’ Saturday night comes, and Sharon watches aghast as someone else wins it. Again, she begins to pray: ‘God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my car, and I'm going to lose my house as well.’ Next Saturday night comes, and Sharon still has no luck. Once again, she prays. ‘God, why haven't you helped me?’ she cries, angrily. ‘I've lost my business, my house, my car and now my children are starving. I’ve always been a good servant to you – PLEASE let me win the lottery just this once, so I can get my life back in order.’ Suddenly, there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open above, and Sharon is confronted with the glowing, ethereal vision of God Himself. ‘Sharon,’ he booms. ‘Meet me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.’
The class is learning vocabulary and the teacher says "Can anyone give me a sentence using the word "contagious"?" So a little girl puts up her hand and says "My sister got measles and she said I would probably get it 'cos it's contagious".
"That's very good" said the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny puts up his hand and says "Please Miss, our next door neighbour started to build a fence last Saturday. It's still not finished and my Dad said it would take the contagious".
"That's very good" said the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Johnny puts up his hand and says "Please Miss, our next door neighbour started to build a fence last Saturday. It's still not finished and my Dad said it would take the contagious".
fudgestain
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RogerM said:
Very very amusing.
I must say it would take any contagious to find out what is so funny in many of the other 'jokes' listed on this thread.
Salty Gibbon
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It takes most cont(s)agious to make money at trading too !!
Especially the large number of dumb ones posting on T2W
Especially the large number of dumb ones posting on T2W
"Especially the large number of dumb ones posting on T2W"....LOL is this self flagellation Salty ? (thought I'd put three winks to make sure you knew I was joking..then I thought I would explain that I was joking just in case three winks didn't make the point..then I thought
I' d explain why I explained why I used three winks and then followed with an explanation and then I thought if he was one of the dumb ones maybe I should explain why I thought........
(thought I'd put three winks to make sure you knew I was joking..then I thought I would explain that I was joking just in case three winks didn't make the point..then I thought I' d explain why I explained why I used three winks and then followed with an explanation and then I thought if he was one of the dumb ones maybe I should explain why I thought........
Salty Gibbon
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Could you expand on that please Chumpy dear chap
GammaJammer said:
Reminds me of my StepSon who said he'd never buy a foreign car.............. driving around in his Peugeot 406.....
Anyway, onto a joke that I thought was funny....
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the
bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried
and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only
polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of
to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he
yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot
and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw
up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then
suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a
minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the
door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's
outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my
rude language and actions I'm sincerely remorseful for my
inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can
to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior." John was stunned at the
change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what
had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"
peterpr
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Snipped from http://www.kitco.com/
(With apologies to those in the US who voted for Bush + those for whom biblical alusions are never funny)
The 23rd Sigh
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will
find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days
of thy term, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
(With apologies to those in the US who voted for Bush + those for whom biblical alusions are never funny)
The 23rd Sigh
Bush is my shepherd; I dwell in want.
He maketh logs to be cut down in national forests.
He leadeth trucks into the still wilderness.
He restoreth my fears.
He leadeth me in the paths of international disgrace for his ego's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of pollution and war, I will
find no exit, for thou art in office.
Thy tax cuts for the rich and thy media control, they discomfort me.
Thou preparest an agenda of deception in the presence of thy religion.
Thou anointest my head with foreign oil.
My health insurance runneth out.
Surely megalomania and false patriotism shall follow me all the days
of thy term, And my jobless child shall dwell in my basement forever.
The CIA had a vacancy for an assassin.
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists....2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists....2 men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks", she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Reason For The Weak Dollar ?
George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your
mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney
George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any
tips you can give to me?"
"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."
Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"
The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?"
Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"
The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your
mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your
sister. Who is it?"
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"
"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him
an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin
Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father
have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"
Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney
TheBramble
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How do you turn a Duck into a Country & Western singer?
Put it in the microwave on High until it's bill withers.
Put it in the microwave on High until it's bill withers.
Heaven or Hell ?
Subject: Bonus Question on Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on
a University of South Carolina chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one
of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose! .
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before
I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that
I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls
and is therefore, extinct.....
leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of
a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
Subject: Bonus Question on Hell
The following is supposedly an actual question given on
a University of South Carolina chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so "profound"
that the professor shared it with colleagues,
via the Internet, which is, of course, why we
now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat)
or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing
in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving.
I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets
to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one
of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect
the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in
Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same,
the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately
as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate
at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose! .
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure
will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, " it will be a cold day in Hell before
I sleep with you, and take into account the fact that
I slept with her last night, then number 2 must be true,
and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls
and is therefore, extinct.....
leaving only Heaven thereby proving the existence of
a divine being which explains why, last night,
Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED THE ONLY "A"
