Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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15 min tlb
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Dick Lexic
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counter_violent
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A Texas couple are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dogs. They have been in the backyard barking every night for months.
The wife jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
The husband says, "Don't use the .22, my assault rifle is behind the door."
She goes downstairs.
She comes back up to bed; and her husband says, "The dogs are still barking; what did you do?"
The wife says,
"I put their dog in our yard, let's see how THEY like it!"
The wife jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this."
The husband says, "Don't use the .22, my assault rifle is behind the door."
She goes downstairs.
She comes back up to bed; and her husband says, "The dogs are still barking; what did you do?"
The wife says,
"I put their dog in our yard, let's see how THEY like it!"
Dick Lexic
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stonecoldmichael
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My wife has been moaning for 2 days about me not fixing the broken step that leads to the basement.
I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.
I should probably go down there and check on her, she sounds like she's in a lot of pain.
new_trader
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A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
Atilla
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Did you know Margaret Thatcher was once bitten by one of the Queens' Corgis???
After examining the poor thing doctors said the Corgi's condition was satisfactory
new_trader
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Two union guys are standing and talking. Suddenly one of them turns around and stamps his foot.
The other guys says, "What was THAT all about?"
To which the union guy replies, "That darn snail has been following me around all day!"
The other guys says, "What was THAT all about?"
To which the union guy replies, "That darn snail has been following me around all day!"
15 min tlb
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Trading educator is failing on live trades with losing trades in front of a student .Student asks "how come these trades don't work , and you are training me to lose the same way ?" Instructor " If it worked ,I wouldn't be trying to train retards , every day a new sucker walks in and walks out as commission agent on my courses , I train the biggest pretenders to become successful in trading ".
Pat494
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0007
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Five surgeons are discussing who were the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is always colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Builders. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the a$$hole – and they are interchangeable’.
The first surgeon says, ‘I like to see Accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.’
The second responds, ‘Yeah, but you should try Electricians! Everything inside them is always colour-coded.’
The third surgeon says, ‘No, I really think Librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order.’
The fourth surgeon chimes in, ‘You know I like Builders. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end, and when the job takes longer than you said it would.’
But the fifth surgeon shut them all up when he observed, ‘You’re all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There’s no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine, and there are only two moving parts – the mouth and the a$$hole – and they are interchangeable’.
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0007
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COPY OF A LETTERFROM A FARMER IN MELBOURNE TO AN INCOME TAX FINAL DEMAND
Dear Sirs,
Your heated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope without a stamp. My son and I have gained much pleasure from it, reflecting on the past. You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago and could not understand why not. Well, here is the reason.
In 1970 I bought a sawmill on credit, in 1971 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon, a double barrelled shotgun and two razorbacked pigs, all on credit. In 1972 the bloody mill burned down to the ground leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died and I loaned the otherto a stupid ba$tard who starved the poor bugger to death.
Then I joined the church. In 1973 my father died and my brother was hanged for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the ba$tard $500 to prevent him becoming a relative. In 1974 my son got mumps which spread to his balls and the poor lad had to be castrated to save his life. I went fishing and the rotten boat overturned drowning two of my lads, neither being the one who was castrated. In 1975 my wife ran away with the shepherd and left me the twins as a souvenir.
I employed a housekeeper and later married her to keep the expense down. I had a hell of a job trying to make her pregnant so I saw the doctor who advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took a shotgun to bed with me, at the time I thought was right I leaned out of bed and fired the shotgun through the window. Result the wife $hit the bed, I ruptured myself and shot the best cow I ever owned.
In 1976 some jokercut the nuts out of my prize bull. I was buggered completely so I took todrink. I carried on drinking until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a pi$$ keptme busy for quite a time. After a year Itook on heart and bought on credit a manure spreader, reaper, binder and a car.The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. I was not insured. My wife got VD. from a salesman and anotherson (still not the one that was castrated) wiped his ar$e on a poisoned rabbitskin and died from infection.
You can imagine mysurprise upon reading that you will cause me trouble if I do not pay up. If you can think of any trouble I have missed out on please let me know. Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke a pound of butter up a porcupine’s ar$e with a red hot needle. I am praying fora shower of skunk $hit to pass your way and I hope the centre is over the bunch of ba$tards in your office who sent me this final demand.
Dear Sirs,
Your heated letter arrived this morning in an open envelope without a stamp. My son and I have gained much pleasure from it, reflecting on the past. You say you thought the account could have been settled long ago and could not understand why not. Well, here is the reason.
In 1970 I bought a sawmill on credit, in 1971 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon, a double barrelled shotgun and two razorbacked pigs, all on credit. In 1972 the bloody mill burned down to the ground leaving not a damned thing. One of my ponies died and I loaned the otherto a stupid ba$tard who starved the poor bugger to death.
Then I joined the church. In 1973 my father died and my brother was hanged for raping a pensioner. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the ba$tard $500 to prevent him becoming a relative. In 1974 my son got mumps which spread to his balls and the poor lad had to be castrated to save his life. I went fishing and the rotten boat overturned drowning two of my lads, neither being the one who was castrated. In 1975 my wife ran away with the shepherd and left me the twins as a souvenir.
I employed a housekeeper and later married her to keep the expense down. I had a hell of a job trying to make her pregnant so I saw the doctor who advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took a shotgun to bed with me, at the time I thought was right I leaned out of bed and fired the shotgun through the window. Result the wife $hit the bed, I ruptured myself and shot the best cow I ever owned.
In 1976 some jokercut the nuts out of my prize bull. I was buggered completely so I took todrink. I carried on drinking until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a pi$$ keptme busy for quite a time. After a year Itook on heart and bought on credit a manure spreader, reaper, binder and a car.The floods came and washed the bloody lot away. I was not insured. My wife got VD. from a salesman and anotherson (still not the one that was castrated) wiped his ar$e on a poisoned rabbitskin and died from infection.
You can imagine mysurprise upon reading that you will cause me trouble if I do not pay up. If you can think of any trouble I have missed out on please let me know. Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke a pound of butter up a porcupine’s ar$e with a red hot needle. I am praying fora shower of skunk $hit to pass your way and I hope the centre is over the bunch of ba$tards in your office who sent me this final demand.
