Best Thread Joke of the day
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new_trader
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counter_violent
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Our records indicate that you were once felt up by Jimmy Saville and could be entitled to compensation. Just reply "hows bout that then to register, or opt out just text Stop Jimmy Stop" Register before the end of the month and get a free "lawyers 4u fixed it for me" medal....
A funny bit from the 'Today' programme on Radio 4.
At the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games – ‘the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon’.
An old boy being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the West Ham turnstiles to be told, "That will be 10 Quid Mate".
"What!", the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way you wouldn't, and a brass band during the Interval!"
At the end of a programme recently, there was a discussion about the obscene cost of entry into Premiership football games – ‘the cheapest price of £60 and £100 per game is not uncommon’.
An old boy being interviewed said he could recall many years ago arriving at the West Ham turnstiles to be told, "That will be 10 Quid Mate".
"What!", the old chap said, "I could get a woman for that!"
The guy on the turnstile retorted, "Not for 45 minutes each way you wouldn't, and a brass band during the Interval!"
Pat494
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Lucky they found out before he got canonised as St. Jimmy
Pat494
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When God speaks ! ! ! !
A friend of mine, Moshe, has a son. He wanted him to be a good Jew. That was more important than anything else. In order to give him the best teaching, he sent his son to Isreal. Three months later, the son came back and to Blommbegr's disapointment, he became a CHRISTIAN. My friend was deeply embarassed each time he sees his Jewish friends. Secretly he contacted his best friend, Apelbaum, also a Jew and told him his problem. Apelbaum told Bloomberg that he too has sent his son to Isreal and his son too had become a Christian. That made two with the same problem. Finally they both decided to go to Geneva to consult the Grand Rabi of Switzerland. The three met at the big Jewish Temple near the Lake of Geneva. They told the Rabi their problem and for almost a minute the Grand Rabi was speechless. The Rabi then confessed. " I also has sent my son to Isreal and be came back and told me that he too has become a Christian " The three of them stared at each other in shock and a minute passed. Then the Grand Rabi broke the silence. Let us pray here now and ask GOD. They all agreed that God is the only one who can answer them. They prayed aloud and presented their request to Almighty God. Suddenly there came a voice from heaven. " I too has sent my son Jesus to Isreal. He too has become a Christian " God replied.
A friend of mine, Moshe, has a son. He wanted him to be a good Jew. That was more important than anything else. In order to give him the best teaching, he sent his son to Isreal. Three months later, the son came back and to Blommbegr's disapointment, he became a CHRISTIAN. My friend was deeply embarassed each time he sees his Jewish friends. Secretly he contacted his best friend, Apelbaum, also a Jew and told him his problem. Apelbaum told Bloomberg that he too has sent his son to Isreal and his son too had become a Christian. That made two with the same problem. Finally they both decided to go to Geneva to consult the Grand Rabi of Switzerland. The three met at the big Jewish Temple near the Lake of Geneva. They told the Rabi their problem and for almost a minute the Grand Rabi was speechless. The Rabi then confessed. " I also has sent my son to Isreal and be came back and told me that he too has become a Christian " The three of them stared at each other in shock and a minute passed. Then the Grand Rabi broke the silence. Let us pray here now and ask GOD. They all agreed that God is the only one who can answer them. They prayed aloud and presented their request to Almighty God. Suddenly there came a voice from heaven. " I too has sent my son Jesus to Isreal. He too has become a Christian " God replied.
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Atilla
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A school inspector observed an English lesson and criticised the teacher for his old fashioned insistence on punctuation. The teacher claimed that punctuation was vital, as it can completely change the meaning of a sentence.
When the inspector denied this, the teacher wrote on the board
"The Inspector said the teacher is an idiot".
He then inserted the following punctuation
"The Inspector, said the teacher, is an idiot".
Outstanding teacher - lacking Inspector
When the inspector denied this, the teacher wrote on the board
"The Inspector said the teacher is an idiot".
He then inserted the following punctuation
"The Inspector, said the teacher, is an idiot".
Outstanding teacher - lacking Inspector
Dick Lexic
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If you've ever had an Indian taxi driver you'll love this one...
A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"
A drunken woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi at Fortitude Valley in Brisbane.
The Indian driver opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the Cab.
"What's wrong with you Luv, haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you, that would not be proper, where I am coming from..."
"Well, if you're not bloody staring at me Luvie, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am looking and looking, and I am thinking and thinking to myself, where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me?!"
Pat494
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One day, this guy is sitting in this bar in Washington DC taking his merry time. All of a sudden he's startled by three politicians giving cheers, saying, "Fifteen! Fifteen!" He just ignores them and continues to drink.
About 5 minutes later, the politicians again say, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"
At this, the guy then walks over and asks them why they keep saying, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"
The politicians respond, "Well, we went to the supermarket and bought this jigsaw puzzle, which we put together in 15 weeks! Considering that on the side of the box it said 3-5 years."
About 5 minutes later, the politicians again say, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"
At this, the guy then walks over and asks them why they keep saying, "Fifteen! Fifteen!"
The politicians respond, "Well, we went to the supermarket and bought this jigsaw puzzle, which we put together in 15 weeks! Considering that on the side of the box it said 3-5 years."
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Atilla
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Funny script. Worth watching.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLaN2yvy_60&list=FLBGDtsXEqgNnWfqNXCThT8A&feature=mh_lolz
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rLaN2yvy_60&list=FLBGDtsXEqgNnWfqNXCThT8A&feature=mh_lolz
Pat494
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When the Aliens finally get here ( they are certainly taking their time ) the great thing is not to be at a disadvantage straight off by looking silly. So when the ramp drops and the trumpets cease, our dear leader should bravely step forward or at least his double will and utter the immortal words
ajdborn liksoldouty udsnorrt
Don't suppose you know what that means ?
Well neither do I - it is in fact gibberish. So the aliens won't know either even with their 10th millenium gadgetry.
So you see they and we start equal in utter incomprehension of each others' language !
Job started to undermine their self confidence and blunt their attack.
ajdborn liksoldouty udsnorrt
Don't suppose you know what that means ?
Well neither do I - it is in fact gibberish. So the aliens won't know either even with their 10th millenium gadgetry.
So you see they and we start equal in utter incomprehension of each others' language !
Job started to undermine their self confidence and blunt their attack.
Atilla
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barjon
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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'
The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'
'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.'
'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.
That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.
The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.
The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked
the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'
The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Canada !'
15 min tlb
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Baby's First Doctor Visit
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little
concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for
the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived,
and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little
concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
'Breast-fed,' she replied...
'Well, strip down to your waist,' the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both
breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, 'No wonder this
baby is underweight. You don't have any milk.'
'I know,' she said, 'I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.'
15 min tlb
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There were two guys and a blonde in a forest of the coast.
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other blonde coming with coconuts!"
Then they were being attacked by cannibals.
The cannibals said that they wouldn't eat them if they bring back 10 of the same fruit.
So the three go into the forest to get the fruit.
The first guy comes back with 10 apples.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves the first apple up his a$$ and then whinces. So the cannibals eat him.
Then the second guy comes back with 10 berries.
Then the cannibals say, "Now the second thing you have to do is shove them up your a$$ without changing the expression on your face."
So the guy shoves 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8... then starts to laugh. So the cannibals eat him.
Then in heaven, the first guy says to the second guy, "Why did you laugh?! You almost had it!" Then the second guy says, "I saw the other blonde coming with coconuts!"
