Best Thread Joke of the day

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal . . .

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow of wee away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in year four.'

"No, love," he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15"

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I met a beautiful woman by the lake the other day.

There was a spark between us and she fell at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought to myself...These fecking Tazers are well worth the money.
 
Adamus said:
I think that first joke is politically incorrect.
Click to expand...

I hear what you're saying, Adamus, my wife hates it when anyone calls her 'love'. It's not at all PC. And if they make the mistake of calling her 'dear', then things get ugly. Really ugly, police, hospital, the works!
;)
 
Gynecologist's Assistant


A retired man went into the Job Center in London, And saw a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant.

Interested, he went in and asked the Clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read; "The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynecologist".

You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down and carefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off the hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynecologist's examination.

The annual salary is £35,000, and you'll have to go to Birmingham."

"Good grief...Is that where the job is?"


"No Sir".....
"That's the end of the queue ."



Bl**dy cold here in Bimingham:cheesy:
 
:)
Rules for life:
 

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A man walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I got a problem. My stomach is killing me!

"
The doctor says, "Well, let's start with your diet. What kind of food do you eat?"


Man says, "I eat snooker balls."
"Snooker Balls?" the Doc asks "What do you mean you eat snooker balls?"


The man replies, " I eat the red ones for breakfast. I eat the white and black ones for lunch. I eat the blue and yellow ones for dinner."


The doctor ponders this and nods his head saying, "Mmm-hmm, yes, I see. Well I think I know what your problem is.

"
The man says, "Really?"
"

Yep," says the doctor, "Not enough greens!"
 
A young chap is riding the bus home from university when he sees a gorgeous blonde.

Suddenly she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards him.

He reaches out and snatches it out of the air.


“Oh my god, I am so sorry,” the girl says “Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you.

”
They have dinner, then drinks, then dancing and, eventually, she invites him back for a night of mind-blowing sex.


The next morning, the chap asks, “Do you make a habit of sleeping with guys you’ve only just met?”


“No,” she replies, “But you just happened to catch my eye!”
 
At the funeral of an old chap, his relatives are discussing his final days.

One grandson says to the other, “Grandad gave me some sound advice before he passed.”

“Oh yeah, what did he say?” Asks the brother.

The first chap replies, “he said, ‘Bose make really good speakers!’”
 
A little boy wanted £50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened.


Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the £50.




When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, they decided to forward it to the Prime Minister as a joke..




The Prime Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy £20.




The PM thought this would appear to be a lot of money (£50) to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.




The little boy was delighted with £20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:




"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through the Inland Revenue, and those donkeys deducted £30 as tax ...
 
A drunk chap walks into a library, goes to the counter and very loudly asks, “Can I have a large doner kebab and chips, please?”

The bemused librarian replies, “Sir, this is a library.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the drunk, before whispering very, very quietly, “Can I have a large doner kebab and chips, please?”
 
A bloke is driving along in his car when his boss rings up and says, ‘You’ve been promoted!’

This causes the driver to swerve.

The boss rings up a second time and says, ‘You’ve been promoted again!’

The driving employee swerves yet again before hanging up.

Then the gaffer rings up a third time and says, ‘You’re managing director!’

But this causes the bloke to swerve and crash right into a tree.

The police officer investigating the accident asks, “What happened here?”

“Oh,” replies the injured driver, “I careered off the road!”
 
A young chap returns home from school to find his mother waiting for him with an angry look on her face.

"Your headmaster called today and said you'd been expelled for using the "C" word.

Now that wasn't clever, was it?"

The young lad replies, "No mum, it was "c*nt!"
 
The Two Ronnies:
The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on
 
Replies Put on Child Support Agency Forms

The following are all replies that women have put on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

01. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim X. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

02. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being
sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you
with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

03. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party on Acacia Avenue where I had unprotected sex with
a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I
fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

04. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW
that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's
had it replaced.

05. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope
confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ
risen again.

06. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do
so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for
the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country.
Please advise.

07. I do not know who the father of my child was as all sailors look the
same to me. I can confirm that he was on a ship berthed at Norfolk.

08. Peter X is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him can
you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

09. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney -
maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for
sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening.
If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilised.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby- after all when
you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
 
Little Johnny Thinking Brick


The teacher was having a creative writing lesson in her English class. She put a brick on her desk and asked children to tell her what came into their mind when they saw the brick.

The first kid said, "I think about my dad. He is a construction worker".

Another said, "I think about our new house".

Then the teacher thought, "Why don't I ask Johnny? After all, what can he say about a brick that would be improper?" So she asked, "Johnny, what do you think about when you see this brick"?

Johnny said, "Naked chicks"!

The teacher was horrified, "But why, Johnny? Why? This is a brick"!

Johnny said, "But that's what I always think about"!
 
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