Best Thread Joke of the day

[Pat494]

The Euroland finance ministers convened a conference to sort out their debt problems.
However just as they sat down at the table there was noticeably an empty chair.

Oh where is that slippery Greek minister they all asked, is he late ?

Fraid not, said the French minister - he slipped through a crack in the floorboards

 

[Elisium]

The Euroland finance ministers convened a conference to sort out their debt problems.
However just as they sat down at the table there was noticeably an empty chair.

Oh where is that slippery Greek minister they all asked, is he late ?

Fraid not, said the French minister - he slipped through a crack in the floorboards

+1

 

[TheBramble]

Am I being a miserable curmudgeon? I’m probably the very last person to be citing ‘off topic’ and this is after all just a jokes thread, but you used to be bale to come here and just get jokes (well, before joseff started posting anyway, but they still sort of count…).

It seems to have become fashionable to comment on the actual joke posts with ‘lol’, 'good one', 'enjoyed that' and other such banality, normally after the entire joke post is quoted in full so we all know which joke the lol-er is lol-ing about.

Ladies/Gents, if you like the jokes that are posted, use the fuggin rep facility to let the poster know. Nobody else really gives a flying duck that you personally found it amusing. That was its intent in the first place…

 

[TheBramble]

My Polish wife is struggling to come to terms with the English language. The other night she said to me "Me be going out with friends this night".

Smiling, I had to correct her.

"No you're fuggin not!".

 

[TheBramble]

Barry the Builder walks up to a girl in a club and says “I’ve got an 8 inch dick and I can shag all night”.

After a couple of drinks, she takes him back to her place.

The next morning she says to him “You said you had an 8 inch dick and could shag all night. It’s only 5 inches and you only managed the once”.

Barry looks at her and says “I’m a Builder love. That was just an estimate”.

 

[TheBramble]

I asked my mate when it was OK to have sex with young girls. He said it’s legal once they've left school.

Roll on 3:15pm!!!

 

[Pat494]

A blind man and his guide dog enter a bar and find their way to a barstool.

After ordering a drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet.

In a husky, deep voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something, the bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde, and I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb. blonde with a black belt in karate.

What's more, the woman sitting next to me is blonde and she's a weight lifter. The lady to your right is a blonde, and she's a wrestler. Think about it seriously, Mister. You still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

 

[Hoggums]

Am I being a miserable curmudgeon? I’m probably the very last person to be citing ‘off topic’ and this is after all just a jokes thread, but you used to be bale to come here and just get jokes (well, before joseff started posting anyway, but they still sort of count…).

It seems to have become fashionable to comment on the actual joke posts with ‘lol’, 'good one', 'enjoyed that' and other such banality, normally after the entire joke post is quoted in full so we all know which joke the lol-er is lol-ing about.

Ladies/Gents, if you like the jokes that are posted, use the fuggin rep facility to let the poster know. Nobody else really gives a flying duck that you personally found it amusing. That was its intent in the first place…

lol. err.. whoops!

 

[Pat494]

Am I being a miserable curmudgeon? I’m probably the very last person to be .....( aware of it )…

What, you Bramble - a miserable ole sod ?

Tush tush aren't you being a bit hard on yourself mate !

 

[Joseff]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

 

[Gabrial]

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He had just rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques.

He saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ''Can I help you?''

''Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines.''

When you were young...

 

[Hoggums]

Am I being a miserable curmudgeon? I’m probably the very last person to be citing ‘off topic’ and this is after all just a jokes thread, but you used to be bale to come here and just get jokes (well, before joseff started posting anyway, but they still sort of count…).

It seems to have become fashionable to comment on the actual joke posts with ‘lol’, 'good one', 'enjoyed that' and other such banality, normally after the entire joke post is quoted in full so we all know which joke the lol-er is lol-ing about.

Ladies/Gents, if you like the jokes that are posted, use the fuggin rep facility to let the poster know. Nobody else really gives a flying duck that you personally found it amusing. That was its intent in the first place…

Can I also add that given the recent posting, can we only have jokes that are actually funny, mildly funny, very funny - I don't care - just has to be funny. Lame isn't a strong enough word to describe the last effort.

 

[Pat494]

Can I also add that given the recent posting, can we only have jokes that are actually funny, mildly funny, very funny - I don't care - just has to be funny. Lame isn't a strong enough word to describe the last effort.

Whoa - careful you might raise the standard of this thread from dire to not bad

Hope this one passes your tests ?

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in 9 holes before he had to head home.

Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone.

Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time.

They reached the ninth fairway, and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball, directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard and hit the ball right smack into the top of the tree trunk, where it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally been.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only 3 feet tall."

 

[barjon]

An Irish Golfer

A golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods. Looking for his ball,

he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball

beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy,
reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square.

Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.'

And the golfer walks off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back.

On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here', the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye,how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.'

He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'

'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states.'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocketand pull out $100 bills I didn't even know were there!'

'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'

C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers,'Once, sometimes twice a week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

 

[Joseff]

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

She replies: "Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What did you not understand ?"

And the blonde says: "Well, at the begginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it's just a quarter!"

 

[TheBramble]

I duuno about assisted suicide, how about mandatory?

 

[Joseff]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just ****ing beautiful!

 

[Faros]

One day, during a lesson on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.

First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it." "Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher.

She then called on little Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully," he said. "Excellent, Michael!"

Then, the teacher called on Little Johnny. "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful, ...just ****ing beautiful!

Beautiful :clap:

 

[trendie]

theres a new TV show about nurses making fun of their patients.

Its called Mock the Weak.

 

[trendie]

I duuno about assisted suicide, how about mandatory?

new TV gameshow about 4 people going to Switzerland.

Its called Come Die With Me. sponsored by Dignitas.