Best Thread Joke of the day

[Pat494]

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him,

“You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to
sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?”

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, “Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?”

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. “You really ARE Einstein!” he says. “Welcome
to heaven!”

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials. Picasso asks, “Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?”

Saint Peter says, “Go ahead.” Picasso erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning mural with just a few
strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. “Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!” he says. “Come on in!”
Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head and
says, “Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?”

George W. looks bewildered and says, “Who are Einstein and Picasso?”

Saint Peter sighs and says, “Come on in, George.”

 

[Pat494]

At a recent computer software trading course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had to trade every last dollar you owned and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the trading control software, how many of you would stop immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to continue. With his team's software, he said, the program was unlikely to even login , let alone make the trade.

 

[Atilla]

"I trebled my account in three days!"

Hoodoo

 

[Joseff]

At a recent computer software trading course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

"If you had to trade every last dollar you owned and discovered that your team of programmers had been responsible for the trading control software, how many of you would stop immediately?"

Among the ensuing forest of raised hands only one man sat motionless. When asked what he would do, he replied that he would be quite content to continue. With his team's software, he said, the program was unlikely to even login , let alone make the trade.

Good one! I'm back, did you miss me? I'll post something later today. :cheesy:

 

[Pat494]

At a recent computer software trading course, the participants were given an awkward question to answer:

Good one! I'm back, did you miss me? I'll post something later today. :cheesy:

I hope you don't mind me pointing out that the joke is only 2 posts old !! See above post 2987

 

[Joseff]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

 

[Adamus]

A Golden Oldie:

TOM had worked hard for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quit his job and bought fifty acres of land in Arkansas as far from humanity as possible. He saw the postman once a week and ordered his groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, there is a knock at Tom's door. He opens it to find a huge, bearded man standing there.

"Name's Buck, your neighbour from forty miles up the road," says the man. "Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come. About five o'clock."

"Great", says Tom, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local people. Thank you."

As Buck is leaving, he stops.

"Gotta warn you," he says, "There's gonna be some drinkin'."

"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."

"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex, too."

"That's really not a problem either," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"

"Whatever you want. Just gonna be the two of us."

 

[Joseff]

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion, she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored for the next half-hour.

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled, "Please help me!"

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

 

[Adamus]

Hi Joseff, in the UK it's called Accident and Emergency or A&E for short. Thanks to the NHS, patients there can also lie on an examining table for hours. You see, you don't need a free market to achieve this kind of stuff.

However we Brits are notoriously bad at tipping. Perhaps that was the problem here?

 

[Joseff]

 

[Joules MM1]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LiE1VgWdcQM

The Whipsaw song.......thanks Ed!

 

[Elisium]

This is so true!

 

[Pat494]

A woman went into her kitchen to find a burglar loaded down with a bunch of stuff he was stealing from her kitchen. Not having any kind of weapon to scare him off, she raised her hand and said "Acts 2:38," and proceeded to quote scripture.

The burglar froze in place and didn't move. The woman called 911, the police arrived and were amazed to find the burglar still frozen where he stood.

"What did you say to him that kept him from moving?" they asked the woman.

She told them that she had simply said Acts 2:38 and quoted scripture.

The police chuckled and escorted the burglar out to the patrol car. "Why did the woman's quoting scripture scare you so much?" they asked.

"Scripture?" said the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

 

[Atilla]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGeKSiCQkPw&feature=player_embedded

Courtesy of ShadowNinja

 

[Atilla]

Trip down memory lane... :cheesy:

 

[Pat494]

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right hier, the three wise men came from afar."

 

[Gabrial]

In a small southern town there was a "Nativity Scene" that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me.

The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets.

Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left. At a "Quik Stop" on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, "You stupid Yankees never do read the Bible!" I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said "See, it says right hier, the three wise men came from afar."

LoL

 

[Joseff]

A group of friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. that night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck.

"Where's Joey?" the others asked.

"Joe had a stroke or something. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied.

"You left Joe laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired.

"A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Joe!"

 

[Adamson]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

 

[Joseff]

You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

That is a good one. :clap: