Best Thread Joke of the day

Once Chelsea get rid of Fernando Torres, they are going to put an offer in for Andy Murray.

They've never seen someone hit the net so many times in ninety minutes.
 
I took my mother out for a meal on Mothers Day and it was terrible.

I said to the waitress " the wine is watered down and f**king awful and the food portions are tiny and taste like sh1t."

The church has made it clear I'm not welcome at Holy Communion anymore.
 
If Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Mary, Susan, Claire and Barbara.

If John, Brad, Tony and Daniel go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Bruno, Scrappy, Peanut-Head and Godzilla.
 
A man will pay $10 for a $5 item he needs.

A woman will pay $5 for a $10 item that she doesn't need, because it's on sale.
 
Quasimodo is lying on the ground in front of Notre Dame, bleeding everywhere, broken legs and arms.

He looks up to the bell tower, where he sees Esmeralda looking down at him.

He shouts up, "You bitch! That’s not what I meant when I said "Toss me off’"
 
Talking of which….

The young priest was in the bell tower with the rope tied around his todger.

The Abbot caught him and tolled him off.
 
The police were just doing their job. When someone called 911, then hung up, the police went to that location to see if there was a problem. It turns out that it was a motel where two drug dealers were staying in different rooms. One tried to call the other one in room 119, but dialed 911 by mistake:cheesy:
 
Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6 a.m. While his coffee pot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking, he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG). He put on a dress shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA), designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE) and tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA).

After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA) he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO) to see how much he could spend today. After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN) to the radio (MADE IN INDIA) he got in his car (MADE IN GERMANY) and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB. At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals (MADE IN BRAZIL) poured himself a glass of wine (MADE IN FRANCE) and turned on his TV (MADE IN INDONESIA), and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job in.....AMERICA...
 
"Call me Dave " was on a goodwill tour of the Carribean recently when he had a near fatal car crash. There was blood everywhere. The medics rushed him to Kingston Hospital. After some days resting and a blood transfusion he was well enough to go home.

The trouble is he seems to have picked up some new characteristics - he leaps about all over the place saying things like " How-di-doooody-maaaaan "

:)
 
Pat494 said:
"Call me Dave " was on a goodwill tour of the Carribean recently when he had a near fatal car crash. There was blood everywhere. The medics rushed him to Kingston Hospital. After some days resting and a blood transfusion he was well enough to go home.

The trouble is he seems to have picked up some new characteristics - he leaps about all over the place saying things like " How-di-doooody-maaaaan "

:)
Click to expand...

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
 
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I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

P.S This wasn't me.
 
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