Best Thread Joke of the day

A friend of mine was ashamed of his drinking.
So he joined Alcoholics Anonymous.
He's still drinking.
But under a different name.


There's more.........


1st. Mother....."How's your son getting on at medical school?"

2nd. Mother....." I don't know; I can't read his letters."


( Ok, Ok - so I'm not trading today)
 
kid goes in to local shop "bag of apples please" says the kid,will you take granny smiths asked the shop keeper, no she can come and get them her self the kid replied!!
 
Bloke goes into the pet shop
"I want to buy a wasp"
"We don't sell wasps"
"Well, there's one in the window"
 
Ths US trade gap soared to to $55.8B.

Oh, no, that's fact rather than a joke. OK, try this one:




A BEER BEFORE IT STARTS

A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, "Quick, bring me a beer before it starts."

She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, "Quick, bring me another beer. It's gonna start."

This time she looked a little angry, but brought him a beer. When it was gone, he said, "Quick, another beer before it starts."

"That's it!" She blows her top, "You *******! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and iron all day long?"

The husband sighed. "Oh crap, it's started"


(no flames, please, it's only a joke)
 
It was the "titter ye not" reference above that did it............!

"You can always tell when he's lying - his lips move"


- Frankie Howerd, on Richard Nixon


end - you can laugh (titter.....) now...........!?........... :LOL:
 

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I am pleased to announce England have won their first GOLD medal in the white water rapids events. Two blokes from Boscastle took first place in a white Ford Transit.
 
ARE WOMEN HARD TO PLEASE???

Recently a "Husband Super Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors,with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return.

A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping centre to find some husbands...

First floor:

The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.

Second floor:

The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"

Third floor:

This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting. But there was another floor, so further up they went.

Fourth floor:

This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be waiting us further on!". So up to the fifth floor they went.

Fifth floor:

The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are f * cking impossible to please. The exit is to your left, we hope you fall down the stairs."
 
Subject: Know your geography...........

The Geography of a Woman


Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

Between the ages of 13-75 a MAN is liek Zimbabwe - Ruled by a D!ck
 
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Joke

The French authorities are considering stripping Lance Armstrong of his Tour de France victory due to a number of banned substances found in his bathroom.

These include toothpaste , deoderant and soap !!
 
"titter ye not".............(again........!)

"You can always tell when he's lying - his lips move"

- what Frankie Howerd would have said about Tony Blair........

(God rest dear Frankie...........)


end - you can laugh (titter.....) now...........!?........... :LOL:
 

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Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
 
or...

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which one was the queen
 
"or...

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them ... and people couldn't figure out which one was the queen"


I take your point BBB, the joke works either way. The 'joke' was a bit nonsensical. Afterall, what the hell would the post office be doing with Man Utd players on stamps! :confused:
 
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