Best Thread Joke of the day

OK - you asked for it.

Did you hear about the Agnostic Dyslexic Insomniac?

He lay awake all night pondering the existence of Dog.
 
Paddy had been out drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the night celebrating Ireland's draw with Germany. Mick, the bartender says, "You'll not be drinkinganymore tonight, Paddy"

Paddy replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way then."

Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.

"shoite" he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off.

He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. "Shoite, Shoite!"

He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.

He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk.

He falls flat on his face. "Bi ' Jesus.... I'm fockin'focked," he says.

He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and pulls himself up the door frame, opens the door takes a step inside and falls flat on his face. He takes a look up the stairs and says "NO Fockin Way".

He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door pulls himself up and opens the door and says "I can make it to the bed."

He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says "Fock it" and falls into bed.

The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, "Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to much to drink last night?"

Paddy says, "I did Jess. I was fockin' p*ssed. But How'd you know?"

"Mick called. You left your wheelchair in the pub."
 
The Irishman in New York

While looking at the Statue of Liberty, a tart (lady of the night) comes up and says -

"Do you fancy a bit?

The Irishman says

"How, are they breaking it up?"
 
A warning for women and advice for men

This is one Very smart man!!

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!" So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear: "You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said 'lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery dept, where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you -- she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement; smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier". I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it." Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled "WHAT???!!!" I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman." And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having s*x tonight either...
 
Look, I don't make these up - I just pass them on....

A cruise in the Pacific goes all wrong, the ship sinks, and there were only 3 survivors; David, Darren and Deirdre.

They manage to swim to a small island.......and they lived there for a couple of years doing what's natural for men and women to do.

After several years of casual shagging, all the time, Deirdre felt absolutely horrible about what she had been doing.

She felt, making love to David and Darren was so bad that she killed herself.

It was very tragic but David and Darren managed to get through it and,after a while nature once more took its inevitable course.

Well, a couple more years went by and David and Darren began to feel absolutely horrible about what they where doing.


So...............They buried her.
 
Does The Law deserve America..or does America deserve The Law

It's time once again to review the winners of the annual "Stella Awards."

The Stellas are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled
Coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella awards for the most frivolous successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie):
Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $780,000 by a Jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie):
19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000 and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie):
Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000.

4th Place:
Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500 and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard.
The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place:
A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500 after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place:
Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000 and dental expenses.

1st Place:
This year's run away winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned.
Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000 plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
 
:LOL: I would've thought in 4th place, the dog could counter-sue Jerry Williams for much more $ :cheesy:
 
Ha ha..but did you know that the countersuit is independent of the original suit..that is the original case can win and the countersuit can also win and legal costs can be incurred on both...so who is the only real winner from a risk point of view ?
 
I once saw a virgin in Glasgow
It was a remarkable sight
She walked the streets dressed in her nighty
Determined to put herself right
 
Ther was a young lady from Cheadle
she gave the pox to the beadle
she said "does it itch?"
he said "of course you young bitch
and it burns like fu#k when i peedle"

boom boom
 
How many Frenchmen does it take to defend Paris?

Nobody knows. It's never been tried.

.................................................................

Why are there so many tree-lined boulevards in France?

Germans like to march in the shade.

..................................................................

Then why are the French chopping down the trees now?

The Arabs like to march in the sun.

.................................................................

Raise your right hand if you like the French....

Raise your left hand if you don't like the French....

If you are French just go ahead and raise both hands.

....................................................................................................

What do you call 100,000 Frenchmen with their hands up?

The French army.

............................................................................................

Have you heard about the French kamikaze pilot?

He's on his 23rd Mission!

.................................................................................................

"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day
-- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once"

................................................................................................
 
She stood on the bridge at midnight,
her lips were all of a quiver,
she gave a cough and her leg fell off,
and floated down the river.
 
I had a girl,her name was Faye
'Twas ever thus and more so
I loved her much and everyday
'Though she was just a torso
 
Last edited:
I knew a lass,a very buxom lass
By the name of Alexandria
And she could rest,upon her breast
A full set of Encyclopaedia Brittanica
 
Show me the way to go home
I'm itchin' and I need to check me dreads
I had an infestation just a week ago
And the nit powder had no effect
Wherever I may roam
I can always order grass on the 'phone
You can always hear me singin' this song
We're Jammin...
 
There was ayoung lady from Bute
she went for a swim in the nude
a man in a punt
stuck a pole in her................................ear
and said "you can't swim here it's private"
 
Top