Best Thread Joke of the day

Im running Wife 1.0 with Freeshagplus, having problems with annoying pop up 'im toootired' also the old version of Lustdrivensofaromp aftakidsinbed.3 is completely incompatible,, this is very frustrating and leaves wondering what im going to do with all my extensions.
 
Sorry to interupt all you techies, but I've just received this (and although it may be a stale joke) I found it quietly amusing. It came to me from an American contact so don't please accuse me of rabid anti-anything!

George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, "Your
Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips
you can give to me?"

Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself
with intelligent people."

Bush frowns. "But how do I know the people around me are really
intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to
answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in
here, would you?" Tony Blair walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father
have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is
it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good," says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick
Cheney. "Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a
child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure," says the vice president. "Let me get back to you on that
one."

Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give
him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes
Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall. Dick shouts, "Colin! Can you
answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not
your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Colin Powell yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Dick Cheney smiles. "Thanks!"

Cheney goes back to the Oval Office and to speak with Bush. "Say, I did
some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell."

Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his
face,
"No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!"
 
Frank is enjoying a pint in the pub one afternoon with a friend. ‘My wife will be on the plane now,’ he says with a wistful smile. ‘Really,’ his friend says. ‘Where’s she off to, then?’ ‘Oh, nowhere,’ says Frank. ‘I’ve left her at home taking a couple of inches off the kitchen door.’
 
In the hospital, the relatives gathered in the waiting room where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said, as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat in silence as they absorbed the news.
After some time, someone asked: "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded: "It's £5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain."
An awkward silence descended.
Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
One man, unable to contain his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask: "Why is the male brain so much more expensive?"
The doctor smiled at the questioner's childish innocence and explained: "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
 
Transplant

This works better with an Aussie accent - don't ask me why...

Bruce has his 'old man' ripped off in a freak accident.

He's in hospital, waiting to see what they can do for him.

The specialist comes into his room.

"Look mate, there's not much conventional surgery can do for you. However, there is an experimental procedure. But it's untested and therefore not without risk".

"What is it?" replies the hopeful patient, desperate for some chance of regaining his former glory.

Specialist: "We can graft the trunk of a baby elephant onto where your tackle used to be. The skin grafting match is OK as there is a 99.9% DNA match between elephant and man. But I have to stress - it is an experimental procedure. Totally untested. And we depend upon this being sourced from a local - such as a zoo or circus. We don't get that many opportunities.".

Bruce needs no prompting "Go for it mate!" says he.

Luckily for Bruce, they don't have to wait too long before a travelling circus loses a baby elephant during a badly mis-timed and badly rehearsed balancing act.

The transplant is skillfully conducted.

A few weeks later and the hospital staff are so pleased with Bruce's recovery and attitude that they decide to let him go. He is advised to 'take it easy' .

Bruce decides to take his girlfriend out for a celebratory 'welcome home' meal that night in Sydney's most fashionable restaurant.

They are sitting in the restaurant and having an enjoyable, and somewhat amorous, reunion.

Feeling an unexpected and to some extent in the circumstances, unwelcome, bulging in the groin area, Bruce releases the pressure by unzipping his fly.

Immediately his newly acquired appendage snakes out above table level, grabs a bread roll and then disappears beneath the table-cloth again.

Startled, surprised and somewhat impressed, his date, Sheila, gasps "Jesus Bruce...do that again!!!"

Bruce, with tears streaming down his eyes says, "Sheila, I'd love to. But I don't think I'll be able to fit another bread roll up me ass..."
 
Quote from the Sydney Olympics

David Coleman of the BBC, commentating on the heats of the Women's Weight Lifting on Thursday night..

"...and there is Ola Petrova from Romania, I tip her as a future champion. I saw her snatch this morning, and it was magnificent.."

Ooops! :cheesy:

Cheers

Mayfly
 
Two Essex girls walk up to a perfume counter and pick up a Sample bottle, Joanne sprays it on her wrist and smells it,
"That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace?"
"Yeah, what's it called?"
"Viens a moi"
"VIENS A MOI, what the f**k does that mean?"
At this stage the assistant offers some help.
"Viens a moi, ladies is French for 'come to me'"
Joanne takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again, saying,"That doesn't smell like come to me Trace. Does it smell like
come to you?"



C :LOL:
 
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, on the seventh day, Michael the Archangel found him resting.

"Where have you been?" asked Michael.

God sighed a deeply satisfying sigh and whilst proudly pointing towards the clouds said, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael look puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet" replied God, "and I've put LIFE onto it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth, "Yes balance Michael. For example, this is North America and this will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, whilst this is South America a place of poverty and corruption.

"Over here I've placed a continent of white people and over here a continent of black people".

God continued "This area will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed with God's creation, then pointed to a small land mass and asked, "What's this one?"

"Ah," said God, "That's Britain, the most glorious place on Earth. A place blessed with beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and hills. A place where the people are modest, intelligent and humorous as well as hard working, extremely sociable and always high achieving. They will be known throughout the world as diplomats' and 'carriers of peace' and others will always look up to them as a nation of inspiration."

The Archangel gasped in wonder and proclaimed, "God, you said there would be balance in this world; where is the BALANCE?"

God replied wisely, "Just wait until you see the w***ers I put next to them in France"

(Please note, for the purpose of clarification I am not anti French, I like France and the people who live there)
 
Did you hear about the leper playing poker?
He threw his hand in.

How do you know when a leper has sent you a valentines card?
There's a tongue in the envelope.

Did you hear about the gay cowboy who rode into town and shot up the sheriff?

Whats the difference between British Rail and Saddam Hussain?
BR has killed more people.

Why is a camel the ship of the desert?
Cos its full of Arabian Seamen.

How can you tell when a scouse girl has an orgasm?
She drops her chips.

What do you call a scouse at University?
The Porter.

Why does the Mersy run through Liverpool?
If it walked, it would get 'kin mugged!

Hope I haven't offended anyone.
 
David Beckham's voice is going to be used to make all stadium announcements at England's Euro 2004 matches.


A spokesman said, "We heard he comes over the PA really well."
 
Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in."

Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left.

He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?"

Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits."

God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his
right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you
believe?"

"I believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat."
 
Jokes from my Nephew (8)

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, God doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.

I was doing some decorating, so I got out my step-ladder. I don't get on with my real ladder.

I was bullied at school, called all kinds of different names. But one day I turned to my bullies and said - 'Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me', and it worked! From there on it was sticks and stones all the way.

My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, Six should be enough.'

I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.

And my favourite:---

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
 
You can take the boy out of Liverpool...
 

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A joke for our forex traders
A Japanese man walks into a currency exchange in Trafalgar Square and hands 10,000 yen over the counter. The woman smiles and hands him back £70. The following week, he again walks in and puts down 10,000 yen – but this time the teller only gives him £60. ‘Why less this week?’ he asks the teller. The lady smiles and says, ‘Fluctuations.’ The Japanese man storms out, and just before slamming the door, turns around and says, ‘Well, fluc you Blittish, too.’
 
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An Englishman walks into a country pub somewhere in Ireland and says to the landlord
"Excuse me - can you tell me wherther its quicker to get to Dublin on foot or by car?"
The landlord says "Now are you walking or driving?"
Englishman "Driving"
Landlord "Thats the quickest way!"
 
Posh decides to take revenge on Becks for his affair by telling him that she slept with Michael Jackson the previous week.

Becks is so enraged he immediately flies to America and ends up hammering on the singer`s front door. When Jackson answers, Becks repeats what Posh said and asks him to explain himself. Jackson replies....





Wait for it.....









It certainly wasn`t me David, I was in Brooklyn at the time.....
 
Joke:

My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year when we decided to get
married. My parents helped us in every way, and my friends encouraged me. My
girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me. That one
thing was her younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age, wore tight miniskirts,
and low cut blouses. She would regularly bend down when near me, and I got
many a pleasant view of her underwear. It had to be deliberate. She never
did it when she was near anyone else.

One day little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding
invitations. She was alone when I arrived.

She whispered to me that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and
desires for me that she could not overcome and did not really want to
overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I
got married and committed my life to her sister.

I was in total shock and could not say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs
to my bedroom, and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me."
I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When
she reached the top, she pulled down her panties and threw them down the
stairs at me.

I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door.
I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight toward my
car.

My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he
hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We could not ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family!"

The moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car.
 
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