Pat494
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A redneck died and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow.
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
Down home, folks now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more.
They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age down home has been raised to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Down home, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There's tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Down home, we've got a new $3,000,000 State Lottery.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion burned down.
In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of my hometown is Interstate 40.
A State Trooper stopped a pickup truck.
He asked the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver said, "Boutwhat?"
You Know Your Church Is Redneck if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
When they learn that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?"
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people down home are. We challenge any so-called smart Know-It-All to take this exam administered by the "Southern States Professional HILLBILLY Engineer Licensing Department."
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO. Support your answer.
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
However, she can't touch it until she turns 14.
Down home, folks now go to some movies in groups of 18 or more.
They were told 17 and under are not admitted.
The minimum drinking age down home has been raised to 32.
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
Down home, reruns of "Hee Haw" are called documentaries.
How can you tell if a redneck is married?
There's tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup truck.
Down home, we've got a new $3,000,000 State Lottery.
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.
Recently, the Governor's Mansion burned down.
In fact, it took out the whole trailer park.
The best thing to ever come out of my hometown is Interstate 40.
A State Trooper stopped a pickup truck.
He asked the driver, "Got any ID?"
The driver said, "Boutwhat?"
You Know Your Church Is Redneck if...
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.
When they learn that Jesus fed 5000 people with two fish, folks ask whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of."
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.
Baptism is referred to as "branding".
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.
The collection plates are really hub caps from a '56 Chevy.
Instead of a bell, you are called to service by a duck call.
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".
"Thou shalt not covet" applies to hunting dogs, too.
The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now!! Ya Hear?"
We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people down home are. We challenge any so-called smart Know-It-All to take this exam administered by the "Southern States Professional HILLBILLY Engineer Licensing Department."
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?
a '65 Ford Fairlane, a '69 Chevrolet, a '67 Chevelle, or a '64 Pontiac GTO. Support your answer.
3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?
