Best Thread Joke of the day

I was walking home pass the local Mental Instituition the other day, and I heard 13....13....13....13....13....13, being constantly repeated, I saw a whole i the fence, and my curioussity got the better of me, so I bent, had a look, and some tw*t poked me in the eye and they all started shouting 14....14....14....14....14....14, hehe
 
News Flash: A new vibrator has just being released for women, its so so realistic, just before she reaches her climax, its c*ms, coughs, farts, goes limps and then itself off, hehe

Viagra now released in powder form to put in your tea, does sod all for your erect**ns, but stops your biscuits from going soft, hehe

Back to work now
 
Two old Jewish friends are sitting in the sun reading newspapers and drinking coffee.
One says - how come you read that anti-Semitic rag with all its lies ?
The other says I hate all the woes of Israel being surrounded by terrorists etc. I read this paper 'cos it tells how the Jews are taking over the world
 
Humpty Dumpty sat on his bed
As little Bo Beep was giving him head
Just as he came she began to weep
She could tell by the taste he’d been shaggin her sheep!!
 
A couple driving home home in the rain and sleet run over a rabbit, the woman got out of the car and picked it up, "its still alive, buts its freezing cold", she said to her husband. "Well put it between your legs to warm it up", her husband replied. She said, "but its wet and it stinks", "well hold the fu*cking rabbits nose then", he replied, hehe
 
New Wine for Seniors!!



South Australian vintners in the Barossa Valley area, which primarily produce Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic!

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the toilet during the night.


The new wine will be marketed as



PINOT MORE
 
Apologies

I'm sorry I keep ringing you and then dropping the call once you answer.

It's just that my phone is voice activated and driving in this snow with so many 'feckin retards' on the road is so frustrating.
 
No joke!

r
 
Just been watching an old " I Love Lucy " show. Great gags

It was the one with Carol Burnett playing the very shy friend.

Great stuff
 
What's invisible and smells like carrots?
















Rabbit fart! :cheesy::cheesy::cheesy:
 
I don't think this is the most appropriate thread for this but I'm not sure where to put it. So . . .

ECONOMICS
The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a $100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the $100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the $100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the $100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the $100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the $100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the $100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything. At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the $100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.

No one produced anything.

No one earned anything.

However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
😆
 
A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you.
Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
 
Important things to know about Christmas for your 4 legged friend, aliens & the mentally challenged

They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know:

a. Don't pee on the tree

b. Don't drink water in the container that holds the tree

c. Mind your tail when you are near the tree

d. If there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open

e. Don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree
 
A man has three dolls in his life.

His daughter ........... his baby doll.

His mistress ............. his barbie doll.

His wife ................ panadol.
 
I can't see it myself, but Mrs. timsk seems to find this amusing . . .

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in the overall performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 & Personal Attention 6.5. Then, it installed undesirable programs such as: Football 5.0, Rugby 4.3 and Cricket 3.0. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs; it simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate



Dear Desperate,
First keep in mind; Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Try entering the command: C:/I-THOUGHT-YOU-LOVED-ME to download Tears 6.2, which should automatically install Guilt 3.0. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 & Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. WARNING:
Beer 6.1 is a very nasty program that will create Snoring Loudly.

CAUTION: Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law. This is not a supported application & will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory & cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck,
Tech Support
 
Ambrose Ackroyd said:
A man has three dolls in his life.

His daughter ........... his baby doll.

His mistress ............. his barbie doll.

His wife ................ panadol.
Click to expand...

LoL🙂

There is a movie with Johny Depp. Quote: every man has 3 womens: first love, his wife and his last mistress.
 
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