Best Thread Joke of the day

pboyles said:
Just got this by e mail.


Here writes Lady Joan Presley, suffering from cancerous ailment. I
am married to Engineer Alex Presley an Englishman who is dead. My
husband was into private practice all his life before his death. Our life
together as man and wife lasted for three decades without child. My
husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow
to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had
passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical
disability or financial predicament. I can adduce this to the fact that he
needed a Child from this relationship, which never came. When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of 4.8 Million Great Britain
Pounds Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and
investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this
money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have
limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.
Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the
cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen my family, and me I
have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift
which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows,
widowers, orphans, destitute, the down- trodden, physically challenged
children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely
handicapped financially.

It is often said that blessed is the hand that gives. I took this decision
because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my
husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not
want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill
perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be
used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold
decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I
know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on.
The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need
any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating
health and because of the presence of my husbands relatives around
me. I do not want them to know about this development. With God all
things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the
contact of the bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that
will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness
is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all
through your life. Please assure me that you will act just as I have
stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon and God bless you and
members of your family.

You can contact me through my private email address:
[email protected]
Sincerely,
Lady Joan Presley
Click to expand...

You could email back pretending to be taken in by this scam. See how long you can string the b@$tard along before he figures out you're taking the p!$$.

Make the b@$tard work for nothing :cheesy:

dd
 
dick_dastardly said:
You could email back pretending to be taken in by this scam. See how long you can string the b@$tard along before he figures out you're taking the p!$$.

Make the b@$tard work for nothing :cheesy:

dd
Click to expand...

There's a site called 419 baiting or something where they do that.
 
Tigershark....
 

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Four Jamaicans were sitting around a campfire near the beach
They were all philosohizing on what the fastest thing in the world could be?
Seymour said"I tink de fasses ting is a thought cos B4 U can tink it,it is already thought!

Winston said"Nah man da fasses ting is a blink cos B4 U tink 2 blink U dun blink already"!




Delroy said"No man da fasses ting is helectricity becas when U turn on de light it travel fass &and de lite come on"!

Leroy say"Nah man de fassess ting is diarrhoea".
"Diarrhoea!" they all say,
"Yes cos lass nite B4 I could tink ,blink or switch de lite on me done sh$t meself".









4

















"Diarrhoea
 
A prostitute in Manchester is struggling to get any punters so she gets two tattoos done on the inside of her thighs and says to the punters that if they can correctly guess who the tattoos are of then they get 2 shags for the price of 1.

First punter comes in and correctly guesses Ryan Giggs and Paul Scholes so gets his end away for most of the night.

The next day the same happens with another punter who goes away fully spent.

On the third night she snags a punter who stares blankly between her legs for 20 minutes then says,

"Well I don't know who the ones on the left or the right are, but the twat in the middle is definitely Gary Neville."
 
'ere in the West country most of us is farmers see and we likes to grow veg and crops.
Well to do that ee puts ferilizer on 'em and the more ferilizer one puts on 'em the more they grows !
So the bank staff got pretty well pissed off I can tell ee when they caught the ole boy from the farm up the road putting shovels full of manure down the night safe box hoping to grow 'is account.
 
ZEN TEACHINGS

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.. In fact, just **** off and leave me alone.

2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.

3. No one is listening until you fart.

4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

7. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.

13. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... and most of that comes from bad judgment.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our **** ... then things just keep getting worse.

20. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night
 
Two old ladys were at work and went outside for a smoke,as they light up it starts to rain so one of them pulls out a contraceptive cuts the end off and slips it over here cigarette.
The other old lady says thats a good idea whats is it. its a contraceptive you can get them in the chemist said the other.
So when she was next in town she went in to the chemist and asked the young assistant if she could have a box of contraceptives.
Yes said the assistant what size.
The old lady said it does'nt matter so long as there big enough to fit my camel.
 
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Mrs. timsk thought this was funny; I don't get it myself:

To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately, not too bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me. I was coming home from Sylvia Park and, when I turned into the driveway, I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car. I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweetheart. I am attaching a picture for you.

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
XXX




























Car Joke.png

P.S. Your girlfriend phoned.
 
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Girl jokes. Hilarious. Like, why is semen white and urine yellow?

So men can tell whether they're coming or going.
 
Hopefully you guys will be able to decipher the patois :D
A young Jamaican yute, Errol, asks his step-dad for some help. He says, "Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?"

His step-father looks up thoughtfully, and says, "Mek mi show yuh. Go ask yuh madda if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars.
Next, ask your sister if she would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then go ask yuh bradda if him would sleep with Beres Hammond fi one million dollars. Then come back and tell me wha yu find out."

The yute is puzzled, but he decides to see if he can figure out what his stepfather means.

He asks his mother, "Mammy if someone gave you a million dollars would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His mother looks around slyly, and then with a little smile on her face says, "Don't tell yuh poopah, but yes, I would."

Then he goes to his sisters room and asks her,"Sis, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His sister looks up and says, "Cho! Him kinda old still but wid di amount a clothes mi coulda buy definitely me wudda give him a grine!"

Then he goes to his brother's room and asks him, "Eh yow, if someone gave you a million dollars, would you sleep with Beres Hammond?" His brother thinks about it for a minute and says, "Fyah bun fi dem ting deh but fi a million bucks, I suppose I would. Just one time duh".

Errol goes back to his stepfather and says, "Poopah mi tink mi figured it out. Potentially, wi sittin on tree million dollars, but in reality, wi ah live wid two skettel an ah battyman."
Click to expand...
 
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