Best Thread Joke of the day
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Ambrose Ackroyd
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And the in-flight movie today will be 'Out of Africa'
sighthound
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Followed by every episode of Auf Wiedersehn Pet!
HawkTrader
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No sh!t.
Hoggums
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* What’s the difference between the England World Cup team and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.
* What do you call an Englishman in the last 16 of the 2010 World Cup? A referee.
* What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
* What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
* Apparently the fan after the Algeria game had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door
* What do you call an Englishman in the last 16 of the 2010 World Cup? A referee.
* What’s the difference between Wayne Rooney and Shrek? Shrek can save the day.
* What’s the difference between a faulty jet engine and Wayne Rooney? The jet engine eventually stops whining.
* Apparently the fan after the Algeria game had no trouble slipping into the England dressing room – Robert Green was guarding the door
gamma
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Just got this in my email.
Subject: LITTLE RALPHY
To:
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
Subject: LITTLE RALPHY
To:
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Ralphy.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking..'
Then little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on,' but I like your thinking.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH(Part 2)
Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f..... difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'
LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH
Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, 'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'
LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR(Part 2)
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, 'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,' replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!''
LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER
Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f....... business.
Atilla
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montmorencyt2w
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"If it's not an iPhone, why would I want it?"
Reminds me: Stephen Fry was yet again making coo coo baby gurgling noises over this piece of cr@p in the Grauniad the other day.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Uruguay striker Luis Suarez's handball that denied Ghana a deserved winner led to huge cries around rugby-mad South Africa that football should adopt the penalty try rule.
It prompted even greater cries he should have been in the England side ahead of Rob Green.
It prompted even greater cries he should have been in the England side ahead of Rob Green.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings.
The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"
The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you a divorce from Minnie!"
Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why not???"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honour! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I said she was f**ing Goofy!"
Ambrose Ackroyd
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The Queen and Dolly Parton die on the same day.
An angel meets them and tells them theres only room for one of them in Heaven and asks them why they think they should get in.
Dolly takes off her top and says these are the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to see them everyday.
The Queen drinks a bottle of water, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever and is admitted to Heaven.
Dolly is outraged and asks what was that all about.
Sorry Dolly says the angel but even in Heaven a Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are!
An angel meets them and tells them theres only room for one of them in Heaven and asks them why they think they should get in.
Dolly takes off her top and says these are the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please him to see them everyday.
The Queen drinks a bottle of water, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever and is admitted to Heaven.
Dolly is outraged and asks what was that all about.
Sorry Dolly says the angel but even in Heaven a Royal Flush beats a Pair no matter how big they are!
gamma
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Ten funny exam answers (GCSE)
Uncomfortable: According to one GCSE answer, Queen Victoria sat on her THORN for 63 years
Uncomfortable: According to one GCSE answer, Queen Victoria sat on her THORN for 63 years
1. Solomom had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
2. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
3. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
4. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.
5. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
6. In midevil times, most people were alliterate.
7. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ Of The Species.
8. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
9. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
10. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Uncomfortable: According to one GCSE answer, Queen Victoria sat on her THORN for 63 years
Uncomfortable: According to one GCSE answer, Queen Victoria sat on her THORN for 63 years
1. Solomom had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
2. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
3. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics.
4. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by Bernard Shaw.
5. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years.
6. In midevil times, most people were alliterate.
7. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ Of The Species.
8. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
9. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
10. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Politicians and nappies have one thing in common.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Ambrose Ackroyd
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Experts are worried about President Obama's mental state after he pledged millions of dollars of aid to Northern Ireland, following the tragedy of Hurricane Higgins.
0007
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George Dubya would probably have handed over the money.
Just got this by e mail.
Here writes Lady Joan Presley, suffering from cancerous ailment. I
am married to Engineer Alex Presley an Englishman who is dead. My
husband was into private practice all his life before his death. Our life
together as man and wife lasted for three decades without child. My
husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow
to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had
passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical
disability or financial predicament. I can adduce this to the fact that he
needed a Child from this relationship, which never came. When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of 4.8 Million Great Britain
Pounds Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and
investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this
money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have
limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.
Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the
cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen my family, and me I
have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift
which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows,
widowers, orphans, destitute, the down- trodden, physically challenged
children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely
handicapped financially.
It is often said that blessed is the hand that gives. I took this decision
because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my
husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not
want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill
perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be
used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold
decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I
know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on.
The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need
any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating
health and because of the presence of my husbands relatives around
me. I do not want them to know about this development. With God all
things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the
contact of the bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that
will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness
is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all
through your life. Please assure me that you will act just as I have
stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon and God bless you and
members of your family.
You can contact me through my private email address:
[email protected]
Sincerely,
Lady Joan Presley
Here writes Lady Joan Presley, suffering from cancerous ailment. I
am married to Engineer Alex Presley an Englishman who is dead. My
husband was into private practice all his life before his death. Our life
together as man and wife lasted for three decades without child. My
husband died after a protracted illness. My husband and I made a vow
to uplift the down-trodden and the less-privileged individuals as he had
passion for persons who can not help themselves due to physical
disability or financial predicament. I can adduce this to the fact that he
needed a Child from this relationship, which never came. When my late
husband was alive he deposited the sum of 4.8 Million Great Britain
Pounds Sterling which were derived from his vast estates and
investment in capital market with his bank here in UK. Presently, this
money is still with the Bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that I have
limited days to live due to the cancerous problems I am suffering from.
Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to the
cancer. With this hard reality that has befallen my family, and me I
have decided to donate this fund to you and want you to use this gift
which comes from my husbands effort to fund the upkeep of widows,
widowers, orphans, destitute, the down- trodden, physically challenged
children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely
handicapped financially.
It is often said that blessed is the hand that gives. I took this decision
because I do not have any child that will inherit this money and my
husband relatives are bourgeois and very wealthy persons and I do not
want my husbands hard earned money to be misused or invested into ill
perceived ventures. I do not want a situation where this money will be
used in an ungodly manner, hence the reason for taking this bold
decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I
know that I am going to be with the Almighty when I eventually pass on.
The Almighty will fight my case and I shall hold my peace. I do not need
any telephone communication in this regard due to my deteriorating
health and because of the presence of my husbands relatives around
me. I do not want them to know about this development. With God all
things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the
contact of the bank in UK. I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that
will empower you as the original beneficiary of this fund. My happiness
is that I lived a life worthy of emulation. Please always be prayerful all
through your life. Please assure me that you will act just as I have
stated herein. Hope to hear from you soon and God bless you and
members of your family.
You can contact me through my private email address:
[email protected]
Sincerely,
Lady Joan Presley
Ambrose Ackroyd
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I'm so old I can't remember doing the test for my TV licence.
