Best Thread Joke of the day

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered,"

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything inside them is colour-coded,"

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and ass are interchangeable."

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Paddy goes for a job interview at a chemical plant.

The boss asks Paddy if he knows much about chemicals.

Paddy says, "Yes."

Boss asks Paddy, "What's Nitrate?"

Paddy replies, "Time and a half."

 

[Gumping]

My dishwasher stopped working yesterday. I think I'm gonna have to divorce her

 

[Vaco]

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/6161691.stm

 

[sighthound]

Police spot a little old lady driving along the road and notice she is knitting at the same time.The car is weaving all over the place with the old girl totally oblivious to everything apart from her knitting.

Policeman;"Stick the sirens on,lets pull her over before she causes an accident.

Sirens blaring,lights flashing the police get along side her but the old girl still seems oblivious,in a desperate attempt one policeman grabs a loud hailer leans out of the window and starts yelling as loud as he can through it,

Policeman:"PULLOVER,PULLOVER,PULLOVER

Suddenly the old girl responds,looking rather annoyed she winds down her window and shouts back,
"No you silly man can't you see its a bloody scarf"

 

[HawkTrader]

Police spot a little old lady driving along the road and notice she is knitting at the same time.The car is weaving all over the place with the old girl totally oblivious to everything apart from her knitting.

Policeman;"Stick the sirens on,lets pull her over before she causes an accident.

Sirens blaring,lights flashing the police get along side her but the old girl still seems oblivious,in a desperate attempt one policeman grabs a loud hailer leans out of the window and starts yelling as loud as he can through it,

Policeman:"PULLOVER,PULLOVER,PULLOVER

Suddenly the old girl responds,looking rather annoyed she winds down her window and shouts back,
"No you silly man can't you see its a bloody scarf"

lol I saw that coming a mile off!

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

Fabio Capello has said he knows the side he wants to take to the World Cup....

Spain?...

 

[sighthound]

I woke up this morning and my head was totally bald,the wife must of misunderstood me when I asked her to shave her twat!

 

[Pat494]

I don't know which gushes most - that hole in the USA or the wife's mouth

either way I'm going long Tampax

 

[Atilla]

Prickly or what? :cheesy:

 

[Atilla]

Banker?

 

[Atilla]

Pooh bear!!! :cheesy:

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

It is said that beer contains female hormones.

This could be right because after 10 pints I talk a load of sh1t and can't drive.

 

[Ambrose Ackroyd]

As far as stupid questions go, these are the stupidest...


Why does your gynecologist leave the room when you undress?

Why can't woman put their mascara on with their mouth closed?

Why is it called alcoholics anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say
"hi, my name's Bob. I'm an alcoholic"?

Why are they called stairs inside but steps outside?

Why is there a light in the fridge but not in the freezer?

Why does mineral water that has trickled through mountains for centuries
have a use by date?

Why do toasters always have a setting on them which burns your toast to a
horrible crisp no one would eat?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say "I think i'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink what comes out"?

What do people in China call their good plates?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand on two legs when Pluto remains on four? They're both dogs.

What do you call male ballerinas?

Can blind people see their dreams and do they dream?

If Wile E coyote has enough money to by all that Acme crap why doesn't he buy his dinner?

Why is a person who handles money called a broker?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn and vegetable oil is made from vegetables. What is baby oil made from?

If a man is walking in a forest and no women are there to hear him is he still wrong?

Why is it that when someone tells you that there's billions of stars in the universe,
you believe them. But if they tell you there's wet paint somewhere you have to touch it?

Why do you call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere, yet call it hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

Did you ever notice that if you blow in a dogs face it goes mad, yet when you take him on a car ride he sticks his head straight out the window?

 

[sighthound]

A ninety year old lady was let off with just a caution after she was arrested by the Police for running naked through the Chelsea flower show,later it was stated that she was absolutley thrilled to be awarded first prize for the best dried arrangement.

 

[Pat494]

Screams and yells from the hospital ward. The Doctor rushes to the bedside -

NURSE NURSE I said remove the patient's spectacles

( my birthday card )

 

[sighthound]

His and Hers dairy page ; Friday

Hers;
He was quiet,subdued,just not himself.Something was wrong,He has'nt kissed me all nite.Not even looked at me or in my direction.I think it's another women.I went to bed and cried.He followed me up later .I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair.He lay still.Eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms.

His;
England only drew,crap game, gutted.Mind you got a shag though!

 

[HawkTrader]

His and Hers dairy page ; Friday

Hers;
He was quiet,subdued,just not himself.Something was wrong,He has'nt kissed me all nite.Not even looked at me or in my direction.I think it's another women.I went to bed and cried.He followed me up later .I cuddled up to him and stroked his hair.He lay still.Eventually we made love and fell asleep in each others arms.

His;
England only drew,crap game, gutted.Mind you got a shag though!

!!

Where did you get this one from?!

 

[Atilla]

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
To spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
Home at £1500 per month. :cheesy:

 

[sighthound]

!!

Where did you get this one from?!

Myself and all my mates are builders and we just get random txt's from each other and then sent on ,alot are crap but some are jems m8.