Ambrose Ackroyd
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North Korea celebrates “great victory” over Brazil
North Korea has celebrated its victory over Brazil with parties long into the night, and crowds lining the streets to proclaim Kim Jong Il as the “greatest ever leader ever in the history of the world”. The World Cup minnows “beat” Brazil last night 4-0 in one of the greatest “upsets” ever seen.
An estimated 120% of the nation gathered round televisions and radio sets last night to hear Kim Jong Il narrate the “great victory” over Brazil from his self-penned book “Our 4-0 victory over Brazil”, which is set to become a bestseller in the communist nation. At approximately 11pm local time, workers downed tools, and by chapter 3, they were celebrating their first World Cup finals goal since 1966.
“The right winger prepares to cross,” read Kim Jong-Il, “dummies, and beats the Brazilian defender, erm… Dave… and plays the ball in.” A nation held its breath, as the TV showed a mock-up of the “great victory” using a combination of actors, cartoon and pipe-wiring.
“Here’s Kim Jong-Il – he’s beaten one – he’s beaten two – he’s beaten three – look at how he beautifully represents the North Korean worker – his artistry, his beauty, his looks, his skill… look how he completely mystifies the foolhardy westerners… they watch in awe as he shoots – he scores!!!” A cartoon figure of Kim Jong-Il wheeled away celebrating North Korea’s first goal, while the Brazilians looked on in a combination of shock and respect. Indeed, many of the Brazilians applauded, and the mainly North Korean-supporting crowd went into raptures.
Ten minutes later, a dazzling run by Jong-Il took him past all eleven Brazilian players – three times – before he rounded off the move with an overhead kick into the top corner – a shot so hard that it broke the back of the net with a noise that was heard half-way around the world. At half time, patriotic songs were sung by everyone in the stadium, including the Brazilian fans who had all converted to communism after Kim Jong Il’s first goal.
Kim Jong-Il went on to score all four goals in his country’s “great victory”, and becomes the tournament’s leading, in fact, only goalscorer. As a sign of their humiliation, all of the Brazilians immediately retired from football, and handed their previous World Cup medals to the North Koreans who were “more deserving”. A chastened Robinho said “What happened here tonight is a lesson for the world. We must not try to match ourselves against North Korea, because we are too feeble. We are too weak. We are not good enough. The great leader Kim Jong-Il was right. We are stupid.”
“Dear nation,” proclaimed Jong-Il as the final whistle blew, closing his book and seemingly improvising for the first time. “the Brazilians have been annihilated by the people’s football team of North Korea, and myself. However, trouble is on the horizon. We cannot see off the Portuguese without nuclear weapons, which is why you must all return to work, producing warheads for our Great War!”
Next week, Kim Jong-Il will read “How we crushed the stupid Portuguese”, and “Our glorious mauling of the Ivory Coast”.
North Korea has celebrated its victory over Brazil with parties long into the night, and crowds lining the streets to proclaim Kim Jong Il as the “greatest ever leader ever in the history of the world”. The World Cup minnows “beat” Brazil last night 4-0 in one of the greatest “upsets” ever seen.
An estimated 120% of the nation gathered round televisions and radio sets last night to hear Kim Jong Il narrate the “great victory” over Brazil from his self-penned book “Our 4-0 victory over Brazil”, which is set to become a bestseller in the communist nation. At approximately 11pm local time, workers downed tools, and by chapter 3, they were celebrating their first World Cup finals goal since 1966.
“The right winger prepares to cross,” read Kim Jong-Il, “dummies, and beats the Brazilian defender, erm… Dave… and plays the ball in.” A nation held its breath, as the TV showed a mock-up of the “great victory” using a combination of actors, cartoon and pipe-wiring.
“Here’s Kim Jong-Il – he’s beaten one – he’s beaten two – he’s beaten three – look at how he beautifully represents the North Korean worker – his artistry, his beauty, his looks, his skill… look how he completely mystifies the foolhardy westerners… they watch in awe as he shoots – he scores!!!” A cartoon figure of Kim Jong-Il wheeled away celebrating North Korea’s first goal, while the Brazilians looked on in a combination of shock and respect. Indeed, many of the Brazilians applauded, and the mainly North Korean-supporting crowd went into raptures.
Ten minutes later, a dazzling run by Jong-Il took him past all eleven Brazilian players – three times – before he rounded off the move with an overhead kick into the top corner – a shot so hard that it broke the back of the net with a noise that was heard half-way around the world. At half time, patriotic songs were sung by everyone in the stadium, including the Brazilian fans who had all converted to communism after Kim Jong Il’s first goal.
Kim Jong-Il went on to score all four goals in his country’s “great victory”, and becomes the tournament’s leading, in fact, only goalscorer. As a sign of their humiliation, all of the Brazilians immediately retired from football, and handed their previous World Cup medals to the North Koreans who were “more deserving”. A chastened Robinho said “What happened here tonight is a lesson for the world. We must not try to match ourselves against North Korea, because we are too feeble. We are too weak. We are not good enough. The great leader Kim Jong-Il was right. We are stupid.”
“Dear nation,” proclaimed Jong-Il as the final whistle blew, closing his book and seemingly improvising for the first time. “the Brazilians have been annihilated by the people’s football team of North Korea, and myself. However, trouble is on the horizon. We cannot see off the Portuguese without nuclear weapons, which is why you must all return to work, producing warheads for our Great War!”
Next week, Kim Jong-Il will read “How we crushed the stupid Portuguese”, and “Our glorious mauling of the Ivory Coast”.
