my journal

[Yamato]

I can't sleep. Total self-destruction. It's the mind that has decided to **** me over.

The mind has decided, on its own, without first checking with me, to destroy my body. Somehow I don't control the mind. I control the body, but I don't fully control the mind. Oh, and I don't even control the body, for example when I sneeze and similar. Or when I trade. The mind makes me take those compulsive trades against my will.

My will is bull****. I got no will. What is the matter with me? It reminds me of this girl who kept asking me "what is the matter with me?". So sweet. I was the balanced person to ask. I told her, and she listened. I diagnosed her as having the "dependent personality disorder" and "obsessive compulsive". Yeah, she was always cleaning the house.

 

[Yamato]

"The mind", yeah. Yeah, because I am not the mind. The mind is something made of subconscious me, and other things. It is not entirely within my control.

 

[Yamato]

Like that oscar wilde or someone else, who said: i can resist anything but temptations. That's how strong i am. That's my will power.

 

[Yamato]

Damn, damn, damn! I can't fall asleep.

I'll just keep on writing.

All this says a lot about my compulsive gambling. In both cases I can't control my actions. I can't have a normal sleep, I can't keep myself from overtrading, I can't keep myself from resisting a compulsive gambling addiction... what else?

In what other ways do I not control my life?

I can't talk to people. I can't face people and get into arguments. I avoid getting into arguments and I avoid people altogether. I would even pay someone to have things my way. I would rather pay them than argue to get something I am entitled to.

In a few hours it will be time to go to work.

Obviously I will not go. I can't because i feel like a zombie (no disrespect for zombies).

Speaking of my mind, and the subconscious.

Maybe deep inside, I want to get fired. Or maybe work to me is the continuation of school, and school is something i could have aced but didn't because my dad was never satisfied with my grades, compulsively pushed me harder and harder to achieve more and more and at 14 I decided to stop doing anything, and that's when, in my life, I said: "oh yeah? is that the way it is? is that what you expect of me? The impossible? You know what? **** you all". What i really meant was "**** you" to my dad, but I didn't dare to say it just to him. But the behaviour was one of rebellion, passive rebellion, like gandhi. Non-violence. I simply stopped studying, going to class... just like tomorrow I won't go to work. Passive resistance.

So maybe that's why I can't fall asleep. Deep inside, I am still fighting the fight I began in highschool, of passively resisting to authorities. You expect too much of me? You ask me to do the impossible? You don't treat me with respect? Well, there you go. I'll stop doing anything. I will stop cooperating.

 

[Yamato]

But then maybe also my compulsive gambling is passive resistance to something.

Well, first of all, passive resistance is done in a way... was always done in a self-destruction way. Failing classes, repeating classes. So maybe I am rebelling to rules, to my own rules, by overtrading.

I can't trade? Then I'll trade. I have to trade? Then I won't trade. Yeah. Ever since i created the rule that I have to make one trade per day, I felt like breaking it and now I am planning to carry an open position for weeks.

Rebellion to rules. That's the key of my problem.

I have to sleep? Ok, then I won't sleep.

And i can tell you where this phobia for rules comes from.

My dad, the sicko, has had a military upbringing. His dad died in the war. He went to military school, and so on... he wanted me to make my bed like in the army and similar. He busted my balls about everything throughout my life... shortly, I got fed up with rules, thanks to his oppression.

And I still have this phobia, even for my own rules.

 

[Yamato]

So I still have that adolescent in me, rebelling to rules. And i'm just getting ****ed all the time because of it, over and over again. By not sleeping and by behaving compulsively I am just ****ing myself over and over again.

Why don't i just quit my job and do, serenely, something else? It would be much healthier. Nope: instead I just do what I don't want to do and resist passively. The worst possible choice.

I was made irrational by childhood traumas.

Not wanting to work is rational. Wanting to stay home and sleep is rational. But staying home and still not sleeping is not rational and not convenient for me. I just lose in all fields. I get nothing out of it, just hurt myself.

 

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