my journal

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Here's my last post for today. Hopefully, because I am still having problems going to sleep. My last feat. I am listening to "Lanfranco Perini - Jack Nitzsche - One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.mp3".

Things are ok with systems. D.L. came and asked me how much I was making and I said "I won't tell you anything" to all his questions. An increasing number of people wants to know how much I have and how much I am making. They ask me for an update every time I talk to them. There's about 6 of them already. It's as if they got engrossed into the odyssey of my trading. I am telling nothing any more, because now I don't have much but I want to be prepared for when I'll have a lot. I don't want people asking me for money or to attract too much envy or attention of any sort. Here I can write anything because you don't know my name and I can disappear whenever I want. My name is nobody.

Something is still frustrating me very much, maybe just work. Just the fact I am still working. Or maybe not. The fact is that I am scratching my head as usual, with that absentminded look in my face, that Howard Hughes had at the end of The Aviator, when he said "jets are the way of the future, the way of the future, the way of the future, the way of the future...".

Howard Hughes - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Lanfranco Perini - Jack Nitzsche - One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest.mp3

A mental institution is a very peaceful place to be.
 
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Back at the office. I will go to the Japanese restaurant, by myself as usual, to celebrate yesterday's wins, that happened thanks to not interfering, which I was tempted to do. Hopefully today the system won't lose everything it made yesterday. However, I am noticing how - as usual - as soon as I make some money, I feel the urge to spend it right away. Only a small portion of it, but still: the urge to spend is there. I am not even saying to waste it, because I eat better there than at the other place, but still I am feeling the urge to spend some of it.

Other than this, my eyes are tired, my voice is tired, everything in me tells whoever meets me that I'm exhausted. Today the cab driver, after a nice conversation, told me "don't be offended, but you look terrible - you gotta work less". He advised me to tell my colleagues (always giving me work to do) to go **** themselves.
 
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I got back and I am slightly drunk. But it's the only way for me to relax. Maybe, even if my colleagues ever noticed, they'd just notice that, oddly, I am in a good - smiling - mood. Only if I talked, they'd notice that I'm drunk. Or maybe even not.
 
travis said:
It's much easier to not act than to fix your faulty behavior. [...] Applying the stoploss and quitting a losing trade makes sense.
Click to expand...

Good job!! Not acting is also a choice, a valid position in the markets. It is a key element of trader discipline, being able to sit on your hands when required (and there's a lot of that.) And you've just demonstrated to yourself that you can in fact do this. So, one minor victory won. Now next time, do the same, and reinforce the new pattern of behaviour. "Cut your losses short, let your winners run [to their targets]" etc. Once again, well done!

BTW, I've not kept fully up to date with your posts in the last week or 2 (so apologies if this comment is out of place somehow), but regarding other people and that looking at them etc/friend/enemy thing, here's a suggestion: try occassionally smiling or winking at them when you notice them looking at you. In at least some (many) cases I bet you'll get smiles back and if not, then they're morose grumps and it's their problem if they don't want to be friendly. Either way you've lost nothing... (Just a thought/suggestion!)
 
Wow, finally a post in this desert. Thank you for your feedback and compliments.

Your suggestion about smiling is good, but it feels so bad to smile at people and not be returned that smile, that it makes it undesirable to risk. It's as if you told me to start hitting on every beautiful girl I meet. Sure, at the most I'll be rejected and I won't lose any money, but it's not a "costless" behaviour. In our actions we don't only take into account financial losses but also losses in terms of pride. As a consequence I don't hit on any girls, ever. And the same principle applies to smiling at people who are acting rudely to me. And it also applies to not begging for money when you need money. We'd rather starve and walk home, than beg for money in street to ride the subway home or buy a hot dog, and yet this would only cost us in terms of pride. If you needed a dollar, would you ask for it? Didn't you ever need a dollar? Did you ask for it to strangers in the street? If you agree with me on this, it means you also have pride and interferes with the efficiency of your choices.

On the other hand pride is one of the things that cost me so much money in the markets ("revenge trades" and so on), so maybe here's a situation where I should change my behaviour. But, as I said, I'd rather avoid situations that make me lose money or other things because of how I am, than try to fix myself, because I know how hard it is.

Basically, as far as trading, I fixed this "pride problem" by not trading discretionary and letting my systems do it. And as far social relationships, I've been solving the "pride problem" (that makes me feel disrespected quite often) by avoiding people. The method is far more efficient and profitable in the first case than in the second one. Simply because it's hard to avoid people. I can't make this idiot in front me disappear at my wish, and I can't do it for the others either.

Also, I agree with all your quotes, in my interpretation of them.

 
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Once again today I was in a very tough spot. I opened my trading platform and saw 2 trades open. One was making 500 and the other one was losing 500. More or less, to simplify. I was tempted as usual to close at least one of them and to tamper with my systems. I would have closed the EUR, that was making 500. And I would have kept open the CL, that was losing 500.

But then I thought: look at how they've been moving and how I know them to usually interact. They rise and fall together. Yet I was long on one and short on the other, and I thought: this is like a perfect insurance, in case the system is wrong: why should I close one of them with the risk of it being the wrong one?

Well, this time I was wrong. The 500 of the EUR turned, an hour later, into -100, and the -500 of the CL turned into +1000. I would have been right in closing the EUR. But if I did, and instead the EUR kept falling and the CL didn't reverse but kept falling as well? I would have been stuck with a closed gain of 500 and a loss rising to -2000 or even more.

Also, if today I I started messing and tampering with my systems, this would have ultimately lead - not today but certainly in the next few days - to doing something wrong enough to blow out my account again: most likely doubling up on a losing trade (so much that I could never afford to be wrong on that one trade: that's my most frequent and harmful mistake/illusion, based on my martingale tendencies but not backed by enough money).

That alone is enough to not start tampering again. Let alone the fact that my tampering usually just causes either losses, or no overall gain. To summarize, my tampering on average doesn't bring profits, and occasionally makes me blow out my account. So - no matter how many inviting situations/mirages for tampering I see - I must resist the urge because, if not today, certainly within the next ten trading days, it will bring me to ruin: it always has in the past.

However, having said all this, it feels really uneasy, uncomfortable and unnatural. Doing nothing, having to do nothing makes me feel uncomfortable. I don't know how many more adjectives I can write without lacking precision in my description of the feeling I experience. I basically feel like doing something. I also feel that it just cannot be possible that this automated thing does better than me, and some more things I can't put into words right now. Things that make me go against it, rebel against my sitting and doing nothing.

But until the principle holds, and until I don't break The Rule of not tampering at all with the systems, then the habit will follow and will reinforce itself and make it easier and easier. But the powers within me that lead me to rebel against this rule are still very alive. I don't know what they are and what makes me act against this rule, but I know there's something that does, and that it's not dead.

And if it gets strong enough to make me break that rule even once, then all hell will break loose, and I have no idea what may happen to my account - it could even go below the required margin within a few hours. I've seen myself do incredible and sick things like opening up several CL contracts, as money as my capital allowed me, to recover from losses, and usually it worked, but when such things did not work I blew out my account. And one cannot have such a trading that usually works and sometimes makes him blow out his account. I cannot allow myself to do what's proven not to work. Not after 12 years of this masochistic ****.
 
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travis said:
Once again today I was in a very tough spot. I opened my trading platform and saw 2 trades open. One was making 500 and the other one was losing 500. More or less, to simplify. I was tempted as usual to close at least one of them and to tamper with my systems. I would have closed the EUR, that was making 500. And I would have kept open the CL, that was losing 500.
Click to expand...

Sounds like this song too, i think. :D

YouTube - Alanis Morissette - Ironic
 
Well, hello to my other reader. I don't know about that singer - she's a bit too loud for me.

For the record, those two trades ended like this. The EUR that was +700 ended as -400. The CL which was -500 ended as +2000. One would have thought that being correlated and being short on one and long on the other, I would just end the day with neither losses nor gains, but it never works like this. One guy wanted to run more than the other guy wanted to fall. Only that I didn't know who and when, but the system sensed it. Once again, I trusted my system, and I made money.

And this morning, I thought of a new system for sleeping well. If you wake up in the middle of the night, you must not get up or turn the lights on. That way, chances are much higher that you'll go to sleep again, whether at the time you wake up it seems possible or not. This morning it worked.
 
Ok, here I am at work. In front of the moron with the radio (why can't this guy just die?). In a better mood than yesterday because today I've slept ok. Also, the boss has taken some work load off of me, because there's some functions of our deparment that have been moved to others. I am almost free, with time to do nothing, but as it usually happens I will now focus on what's wrong rather than being happy about what's right. For example, right now I am wishing death upon the guy with the radio, which from now on I will call "Bickering", because it actually resembles his real last name, and because I should start bickering with this Bickering sonuvabitch, but I don't because I am polite, which he is not. Ok, now he's whistling, too. The same songs every day, ****ty ones, and he whistles them as well. He sucks. Swine.

http://www.thefreedictionary.com/bickering
 
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Hey buddy :)
Been trading 10am-9pm so i had a break (Well... Tried to) from trading to relax and chill out; but ended up having to do annoying tasks just as applying to univerisity and writing a personal statement and building a computer; But i also got a puppy so thats nice.

You been allowing your system to work out?

I've also been working into the night developing a system;
Focused on backtesting it across as many time-frames, market conditions and time-periods as possible to see if the system had a genuine edge or just random based on the data and i found that over all the data, on all the different charts and markets that it has a 1% positive expectancy on invested amount (non-leveraged markets) so i'm relatively pleased with the system; its structure is based in logic (a rare novelity in the market) and therefore i'm quite pleased.
Trying to automate it but i'm pretty rubbish so probably going to pay someone to do it for me because i simply do not trust my abilities to make it robust.

One things thats annoying me is that although i've based the system on logic; its results suggest that it has a predictive capability (As all succesful systems must have) and i can't really quite think why because fundamentally, it doesn't affect supply and demand; But i suppose it identifies situations and conditions where it is more likely for the continuation of demand than supply for example - However it does trouble me abit as to why it works but i based it on the 'logic' of fading human emotions on large scale movements (Large scale being relative of time-frame) so i guess it works because it opposes the 95% losers mentality.
Anyway, i don't know if your interested but i thought maybe you could look over the system and have a look at it, identify weaknesses and where it can be improved. I haven't curve-fitted it at all to data; i made the system before i actually checked the charts. Don't worry if your too busy or can't be bothered, its just i'm unexperienced in systems and an alternative opinion from an expert would be nice :) You could use it to if its up to your standards.

x Hope your not tampering with your system and letting it work.
 
Hello, my third reader. As usual I will answer as I read your post, step by step:

Building a computer: congratulations on being able to build computers.

Yes, so far, since my last relapse into compulsive gambling, I have let my systems work.

Thanks for your implicit offer, but I can't build/test any more systems. I wish I could use your ideas, implement your system (for free), and use it myself as well - which would be the best way to go. Unfortunately I am exhausted from creating 37 systems (plus all those I discarded) in the past two years. I really cannot add any more. Now, after this huge quantity of systems of pretty good quality, it's time for me to focus on quality alone at all levels, but to leave quantity alone. Also because it's less tiring. Quantity has exhausted me. Maybe I'll get in touch with you in six months, so I can work on creating a total of 50 systems, or even 100 systems.

Your system sounds more complicated than mine.

I had predicted your implicit offer even before reading the last paragraph. What I said above applies to your explicit offer, with one difference. Go ahead and shoot your ideas (in private), if you trust me enough to not tell anyone, but I can't promise anything as to how much I will implement them. For sure I will do something: at least 15 minutes of work. That much I can promise. Other than this my brain gets overheated very fast. Also, beware that your ideas will stick to my mind, and I may use them myself in the future. Oh ok, I just saw that you wrote that you are ok with it.

Yes, as I said, I didn't tamper with my system, and in the process I learned the meaning of the verb tampering: "to interfere in a harmful manner", which perfectly describes my behavior towards my systems in the past 2 years.

tamper - definition of tamper by the Free Online Dictionary, Thesaurus and Encyclopedia.
 
Then again, if you prefer (but I wouldn't think so), we can discuss it here, in front the world. It is the usual talk about "pearls before swine": people who don't already know enough themselves won't even be able to take advantage of my advice and your ideas. They won't get what you are talking about unless they already worked their asses off (and if they did, they deserve to understand). However, I don't know if this is always the case. But often it is the case: I've given my ideas to others many times, and I remember that once some guy (pretty good trader, too, but not willing to share any of his knowledge: only willing to despise others) on elitetrader told me he was "appalled" at what I wrote, and said I had no idea what I was talking about. I got pretty offended, but ultimately I was happy to be able to speak the truth and not worry about people exploiting me.
 
I was this close to closing a short trade on the GBL because it is highly oversold. But I know that even if this one may work (I am really expecting to lose money because of my lack of intervention), what would follow (in the near future) the breaking of my "no tampering rule" is an avalanche of tampering that will bring me to blowing out my account within a few weeks. The GBL is way oversold, and it looks like it has bottomed and yet my short has just started now. But I am not touching it. I was THIS close to closing it, though. I thought about how much I would have disappointed everyone here and that extra help from you stopped me.
 
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Holy cow... now they're all making a lot of money, amazingly. All at the same time, despite the fact that correlations (positive and negative) together with the direction of my open trades go against such outcome. Amazingly, I am not closing them. I keep telling myself: if I did so well yesterday, the day before yesterday and even now, it's only because I resisted the urge of closing a profitable trade or tampering in other ways with the system. I can't tamper with the system and expect or even just pretend that I was part of this success. He started the trades. I didn't do anything. What right do I have to close them? I would be betraying the guy who built this system for me, which is myself at a different time and state of mind. Do not betray the developer who did this beautiful job. Do not betray yourself. Do not betray the best in you.
 
It's a very strange and unusual feeling: after trying for so many (highly unprofitable) years and finally getting so close to achieving a high and stable profitability, actually while achieving it, I feel my fears increasing and causing me an almost unbearable level of stress. I definitely was more comfortable and relaxed when I was constantly losing, and having a constantly small bank account, always near zero.

Seeing success happen makes me afraid of failing all of a sudden. The real possibility and proximity of success makes me afraid I might miss. It's like being at the Olympics, at the final race, and I am expecting myself to win, and everything looks like I will win, and I've never been so successful in my life, and yet at the same time I've never been more afraid, because I have the opportunity of winning for the first time in my life and I am so afraid of blowing it.

I didn't get good grades at school, I didn't get any of the beautiful women I wanted, or if I did, just for very little time. All my life my dad has reprimanded me for not being as good as I could have ("you could have done better" is the nicest thing he ever told me). I don't like using this term, but I would say that I've never been a "winner", regardless of how others might have perceived me: I've never felt successful, nor satisfied.

So now this is a brand new experience. The systems are doing it all for me, so I can't even self-sabotage anymore (if that ever was the case, I am not sure about it). Success is happening, and I don't feel ready for it. The subconscious questions I hear repeating to myself are:
1) Will someone come along at the last minute and steal victory from me?
2) Will I die before reaching the finish line?
3) Will they kidnap me and ask me for ransom?
4) Will they steal my systems and make them useless?
5) Wlll they suddenly stop working?
6) Will I get so excited that I will screw up in one way or another? This last one is a big fear, because the more I succeed the more I get excited, and the more I get excited the more I engage in unprofitable behaviours.

Examples:
1) telling everyone how much I made yesterday
2) inviting a couple of friends at an expensive restaurant because of how much I made yesterday and telling them how much I made yesterday
3) planning to quit my job and telling everyone at work, and telling them why

Basically: talking too much. Here at the forum, there at work, and everywhere. Which brings me to another song by the Beatles, that applies perfectly to my situation, because it said: "Help me get me feet back on the ground...".

YouTube - Help! Beatles
 
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