bad memories about people I resent
I never got into a fight in my life. I remember I pushed a person once, because he was behind me and he tried to trip me. Not much more than that. I never punched anyone and was never punched.
This was not really a choice but the way I was brought up. If I was in control of myself, I would never attack anyone and avoid physical fights at all costs, unless of course I lost control, which happened as I said a couple of times. Another time I jumped a bully, but it was a ridiculous situation and luckily they separated us, or else I would have gotten hurt.
Anyway, what I am getting at is that I never got into fights but I have put up with a lot of humiliations, because once people realize that you're peaceful, some people, a small percentage will take advantage of that.
Now, these people are not doing anything smart, because overall their behavior is not convenient. Sooner or later they all get in trouble for abusing other people. It's not a convenient attitude to be a bully.
But I don't know how convenient it was for me to be a peaceful "show the other cheek" person.
Most people bluff and pretend they're willing to get into a fight any time, and this way they get a lot more respect than I do. Instead I either fight or I don't pretend that I would fight, and this lack of bluffing has caused me a lot of abuse.
Yeah, because the situations in which I am willing to fight are very rare, and even then, it would not be good to lose control and to be willing to fight until the end, because in that case you might really end up getting killed. So I am tough at the wrong times, and only when I lose control and stop reasoning.
I don't like walking with a threatening posture like most people do. I don't like this kind of bluffing.
Because you might meet, actually you do meet a majority of friendly people and it doesn't make sense to show them a hostile face or posture.
I don't know... I don't like this world, at least the people who have been around me most of my life. I liked some countries in Northern Europe, where people are generally polite.
Here in Italy, especially in Rome and the South, the norm is aggression and unfriendliness. But even in the States, it kind of sucks.
My type of people is the computer science people, the people in Boston for example, the vegetarian people, the scandinavian people, the intellectuals. But then in the US you have the "frat" brothers, who are college students but whom I have nothing in common with. Those confrontational *******s, always looking to be rude to someone.
Well, as I was saying, I remember once I was in college in Boston.
And I was with my friend, another philosopher like me, we were going to a "party", I hate this word.
So we went and until then and after then I never had a similar problem, but there was this one "brother" in front the house, who lived there, and he said to me "you are not getting in". It was many years ago, but the memory stuck with me all these years, and I still resent that guy very much. I think about him several times a year, and how he told me I couldn't get into his party, and what I should have replied. I replied nothing, because I don't bluff. Should I have pretended that I was going to get into a fight because he said that to me? No, because it wouldn't have been fair.
But probably he told me that, precisely because he could tell he would have gotten away with telling me that. One time, in Boston, one girl in the street approached me and asked me if I'd be her friend and take her out to lunch. It turned out she was stripper from miami. I asked her why she approached me in particular. And she said I looked like a nice guy.
So in the same way, this guy told me "you're not getting in", because i looked like a nice guy, and also because he didn't like me. Maybe he felt I was a "euro-trash", which is... like "the rich europeans, stealing our women"... or something similar. I think if he saw me with blond hair, freckles, a beer belly... a baseball cap... he would have let me in. I was too refined, too peaceful... i didn't look tough and rough enough... so he told me "you're not getting in".
This and other sad memories stuck with me. Because my mom taught me not to beat up other children, and it all began from there. And now I have a big resentment towards all these people who took advantage of it.
I have my file with a list of about 30 events of abuse I took in my life, which resurface in my mind from time to time, several times per week, at least lately.
Not that I want to have these people killed, but i feel I am not willing to take any more of this abuse. I would like to have a way... but the most abusive person, emotionally, has been my dad, who's threatened me verbally and humiliated me in several ways and situations, mostly uncalled for.
He's the person I have the most resentment against. My mom taught me to put up with abuse without defending myself, and my dad was the first person who took advantage of it, and on top of it, he got me used to the idea that I was not worthy of respect, got me used to be humbled (by him)... I have a lot of resentment for all this. He's on top of my "people I resent" list.
These people are basically all people who never played a fair game with me. People who don't play fair in life. They make fun of someone in a difficult situation, they attack someone in a weaker position, they don't help you when you need them, but they're expecting to not behave like them, know you won't, when you will be in the same situations. They rely on you playing by the rules, when they don't. All bullies do not play by the rules. The main rule is "don't to others what you wouldn't want them to do to you, regardless of the fact that you might be able to get away with it". Behave fairly to people. Don't slam your door, don't laugh at someone who's having a difficult time, don't gang up on someone, don't talk loudly, don't wake up people in the middle of the night, don't steal, don't ruin people's property... you get my point. I am upset about injustices against me. Verbal abuse mostly. I have a feeling that the biggest injustices tend to be done against the nicest people. The more you play by the rules, the more people who don't play by the rules will come to play a game with you. "Foul play" i think is called, at least in Italian it translates literally to that. The concept exists everywhere, but the percentage of people who play fairly changes from country to country.
Like that neighbour now... he just slammed his door, the one below me. And yet he came up to here complaining we were moving chairs, and I replied politely "I am sorry" we will try to stop, even though it was before midnight and it only happened once a year, and he said he was going to call the police. Now that ******* slammed his door. How would he react if I went to him and asked him not to slam his door because it bothers me? Not well. And that is why I don't go to him telling him that. But if he comes to me... you see? I am playing by the rules, and I think it is the most convenient thing to do, because I never get in trouble, whereas this guy risks getting in trouble continously by abusing others and by attacking them if they slightly bother him. So I am doing the most convenient thing, but I am left with a sad feeling of being abused. It would feel much better to just reply "**** you". But I don't, because it's my second nature by now to not say "**** you" to strangers, nor to anyone.
So I guess I've lived a peaceful but humbling life until now, and I am not happy with it, but maybe i'd be unhappier if I got punched or similar. Or if I went to jail for punching someone.
Anyway, my dad has always been a fault-finding control freak, and he criticized me for everything i did, treated me with contempt, tried to shape my behaviour according to his desires in every little detail, such as my haircut, my shaving habits, how i walked... everything. Never any encouragement, just criticism and sarcasm. No wonder i never felt any affection for him. The best I can say about him is that he is sick. His deficiencies outweigh his qualities, which could be intelligence, precision, efficiency. I don't think the fact of being an efficient person should entitle you to treat everyone else like ****.
I came back to add something important that I forgot to say. The most violent place i found in my life was the States, but maybe not because of the place itself but because of the age I lived there. It makes no sense to generalize. However, I would generalize and say that northern europe in general is more peaceful.
Anyway, the two violent things that happened, the two negative things I didn't like in terms of aggression in the states were these:
1) "you are not getting in" from that guy i mentioned at the frat house
2) this is the worst offence: a pepsi half a liter plastic bottle thrown at me from a running car, while the guy said "have a pepsi!". It hit me in the head and this memory resurfaces in my mind even more often than "you are not getting in".
(TO BE CONTINUED... in future posts)