Best Thread Joke of the day
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Pat494
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For me there is a mission for this country moving forward - there are big long-term decisions we've got to take as a nation.
should read
For me there is a mission to move MY BUTT - there are OTHER big FAT ARSES we've got to take OUT ON THE WAY
Gordon Brown quote
I am ready to make the decisions for people and to work with other people to make this country the great country it is at all times.
should read
I am ready to make ALL the decisions for the people and to TAX ALL the people Till THE PIPS SQUEAK to make this country the great country it is at all times.
Gordon Brown quote
guffaw guffaw
Ole
MrMiyagi
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One day a priest was walking by the river and saw a frog on a lilly pad. "Help me croaked the frog, once I was a beautiful choirboy but an evil witch turned me into a frog. The only way to reverse the spell is for me to spend the night in the bed of a religious man" The priest took the frog home, put it to bed, and lo and behold in the morning there was a beautiful choirboy. And that your honour, is the case for the defence.
TheBramble
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I have no idea if this has been posted before, if so, apologies.
Not clear if it's genuine or a spoof, but either way, very funny.
Not clear if it's genuine or a spoof, but either way, very funny.
5 signs you might be in the Taliban
1. You have more wives than teeth
2. You own a £5000 rocket launcher but can't afford shoes
3. You refine heroin but have a moral objection to beer
4. You think vests come in two styles : bullet proof and suicide
5. You wipe your ars*e with your hand but consider bacon unclean
1. You have more wives than teeth
2. You own a £5000 rocket launcher but can't afford shoes
3. You refine heroin but have a moral objection to beer
4. You think vests come in two styles : bullet proof and suicide
5. You wipe your ars*e with your hand but consider bacon unclean
Last edited:
A gorgeous barmaid is stood behind the bar of a pub listening to three pissed up regulars attempting to have a conversation.
The three yokels can barely string one word together stammering and stuttering away. Realising this , the barmaid approaches the three drunks and decides to have a little fun....
"Excuse me chaps, but i couldnt help overhearing your having a little problem getting your words out.
If anyone of you can tell me where you come from without stuttering, i will give you a blowjob.
Right here. Right now"
The first bloke sits up and opens his mouth...."I....come.....from.....MMMMMMMManchester..."
"Sorry pal. No deal"
The second bloke pipes up ..."I....come....from.....GGGGGGGGGlasgow..."
"No way matey. Unlucky"
The third now tries....."I....come....from...London.."
"Fricking hell" Shouts the barmaid.
"Oh well. A deals a deal..."So she takes down the fella's trousers and begins to suck his dick.
Just as the fella is about to shoot his load he shouts "....ddddderry"
The three yokels can barely string one word together stammering and stuttering away. Realising this , the barmaid approaches the three drunks and decides to have a little fun....
"Excuse me chaps, but i couldnt help overhearing your having a little problem getting your words out.
If anyone of you can tell me where you come from without stuttering, i will give you a blowjob.
Right here. Right now"
The first bloke sits up and opens his mouth...."I....come.....from.....MMMMMMMManchester..."
"Sorry pal. No deal"
The second bloke pipes up ..."I....come....from.....GGGGGGGGGlasgow..."
"No way matey. Unlucky"
The third now tries....."I....come....from...London.."
"Fricking hell" Shouts the barmaid.
"Oh well. A deals a deal..."So she takes down the fella's trousers and begins to suck his dick.
Just as the fella is about to shoot his load he shouts "....ddddderry"
dash riprock
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One for the ladies
The Title sounds like ad ad from a top shelf magazine ...thats because it is....LOL
This is supposedly a real letter.
TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher
I have bee n a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?- Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull*%@?.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
The Title sounds like ad ad from a top shelf magazine ...thats because it is....LOL
This is supposedly a real letter.
TO: MR. JAMES THATCHER
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE
Dear Mr. Thatcher
I have bee n a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horse riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.
Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?
As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realise it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.
Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that the UK is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you *+*#*ing kidding me?
What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable?
Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Nurofen and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Tesco's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"?- Or are you just picking on us?
Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an £8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull*%@?.
And that's a promise I will keep. Always.
On a really hot summers day, a lorry driver was on his way to Bristol Zoo to deliver four penguins.
Suddenly the freezer unit stopped working.
The driver pulled over to phone for assistance.
Whilst waiting for the engineers to arrive he spotted an ice cream van and flagged it down.
"Could you do me a favour, if I gave you £100 would you turn your freezers up to maximum and take these four penguins to Bristol Zoo?"
"Yes, no problem" says the ice cream man and off he goes.
3 hours later, the lorry driver is still waiting with his lorry for assistance when he spots the same ice cream van and flags it down.
As the van stops the lorry driver notices that the penguins are still in the back, wearing party hats and eating candy floss.
"I paid you £100 to take them to Bristol Zoo!" he says angrily.
Ice cream man says "Yeah, we've been. They had a really great time, so I'm taking them to Alton Towers now!"
Suddenly the freezer unit stopped working.
The driver pulled over to phone for assistance.
Whilst waiting for the engineers to arrive he spotted an ice cream van and flagged it down.
"Could you do me a favour, if I gave you £100 would you turn your freezers up to maximum and take these four penguins to Bristol Zoo?"
"Yes, no problem" says the ice cream man and off he goes.
3 hours later, the lorry driver is still waiting with his lorry for assistance when he spots the same ice cream van and flags it down.
As the van stops the lorry driver notices that the penguins are still in the back, wearing party hats and eating candy floss.
"I paid you £100 to take them to Bristol Zoo!" he says angrily.
Ice cream man says "Yeah, we've been. They had a really great time, so I'm taking them to Alton Towers now!"
westernforce
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An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey.
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to .'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly
turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to. '
He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, 'Hey old man, have you ever danced?'
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, 'No, I never did dance. I just never wanted to .'
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, Well, you old fool, you're gonna' dance now,' and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing.
When the gunslinger fired his last bullet, he holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly
turned around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.
The old man asked, 'Did you ever kiss a mule's ass?'
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, 'No. But I've always wanted to. '
timsk
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This isn't a joke as such but it is mildly amusing. It is a true conversation recounted by a friend who is a chiropodist visiting elderly people in their own homes.
I go to Mrs Smith every six weeks. She's 84 and always refers to her husband as 'Mr Smith'- 'Mr Smith took me shopping, Mr Smith hasn't been very well, Mr Smith this, Mr Smith that'.
Today we got onto the subject of greenhouse gasses and what the world as a whole should be doing. Mrs Smith has very strong views on the subject.
'Greenhouse gasses??! What a load of absolute nonsense! Mr Smith has had a greenhouse in the garden for the last 30 years and we've had no problem with gas at all!'
If only we could all live in such a wonderful world!!
I go to Mrs Smith every six weeks. She's 84 and always refers to her husband as 'Mr Smith'- 'Mr Smith took me shopping, Mr Smith hasn't been very well, Mr Smith this, Mr Smith that'.
Today we got onto the subject of greenhouse gasses and what the world as a whole should be doing. Mrs Smith has very strong views on the subject.
'Greenhouse gasses??! What a load of absolute nonsense! Mr Smith has had a greenhouse in the garden for the last 30 years and we've had no problem with gas at all!'
If only we could all live in such a wonderful world!!
Atilla
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A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" :cheesy::cheesy:
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" :cheesy:
:cheesy:
Atilla
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The moon!!!
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Hellloooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida....??? :idea:
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking... and one blonde says to the other: "Which do you think is farther away.... Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says, "Hellloooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida....??? :idea:
new_trader
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True Story
A friend of mine came to visit and she was showing me her new Satellite Navigator so we went into my backyard to test it. She switched it on and after it found the satellites it came up with a map and a nice little car icon but I noticed she had a very puzzled look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Why is it saying my car is here when it is parked out there on the street?".
A friend of mine came to visit and she was showing me her new Satellite Navigator so we went into my backyard to test it. She switched it on and after it found the satellites it came up with a map and a nice little car icon but I noticed she had a very puzzled look on her face. I asked her what was wrong and she said, "Why is it saying my car is here when it is parked out there on the street?".
Atilla
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