Best Thread Joke of the day
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Atilla
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Top 2008 Jokes of the Year
Well I thought it read like the start of a good joke but punch line was pretty poor...
:cheesy:
- "Alliance & Leicester is worth holding for a bid premium...
- Royal Bank of Scotland has confirmed its growth credentials by beating Barclays to buy ABN Amro...
- The Competition Commission would never let any of Britain's top five banks merge...
- Northern Rock looks a bargain...
- Housebuilders will do okay even if prices fall because of their landbanks and the shortage of homes."
Well I thought it read like the start of a good joke but punch line was pretty poor...
:cheesy:
Skill Leverage
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Doctor: "Well Mr Smith, I've got some good news and some bad news."
Smith: "Oh. Well, what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "You'll be dead within a month."
Smith. "Jesus, well, what's the good news?"
Doctor: "Well... you see that hot blonde nurse over there, the one with the amazing rack?"
Smith: "Yeah...!"
Doctor: "Yeah... I'm shagging her."
Smith: "Oh. Well, what's the bad news?"
Doctor: "You'll be dead within a month."
Smith. "Jesus, well, what's the good news?"
Doctor: "Well... you see that hot blonde nurse over there, the one with the amazing rack?"
Smith: "Yeah...!"
Doctor: "Yeah... I'm shagging her."
timsk
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Sorry if this is old hat:
Funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms. These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad in their own right, some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy . . .
"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."
"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."
"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."
"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."
"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."
"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."
"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."
"..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."
"..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."
"..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."
"..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."
"..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."
"..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."
"..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."
"..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."
Funny paternity explanations - (allegedly) from Child Support Agency (CSA) forms. These comments (allegedly) were provided by mothers on CSA forms in response to the CSA request for details of children's fathers. Aside from being variously amusing and sad in their own right, some of these quotes illustrate the admirable spirit and humour that people can exhibit in the face of personal challenge, institutional bureaucracy and what some clearly regard as an invasion of privacy . . .
"..I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact the BMW dealers in the area to see if he's had it replaced.."
"..I have never had sex with a man. I am waiting for a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate, and that he is Christ risen again.."
"..[XXX] is the father of child A. If you catch up with him can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CD's?.."
"..I don't know the name of my child's father as all squaddies look the same to me, although I can confirm he was a Royal Green Jacket.."
"..I thought it was [XXX] because we definitely had sex at a time which fits with the birth of child A, but since discovering he is gay I am not so sure.."
"..Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by [XXX]. I am unsure about child B but I believe he was conceived on the same night.."
"..It's difficult to remember because I was drunk on holiday in Tenerife, which was months before I got properly pregnant.."
"..I do not know the name of my daughter's father. She was conceived at a party on [date] at [venue] where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good I fainted. If you manage to trace the father can you send me his phone number? Thanks.."
"..I remember buying the sperm at a boot market last spring but I never kept the documentation I'm afraid.."
"..I cannot tell you the name of child A's father as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover, and that this would have cataclysmic implications for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by my country. Please advise.."
"..From the dates it seems my daughter was conceived at EuroDisney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.."
"..Regarding the identity of child A's father, putting two and two together and considering the time of year, it must have been when Father Christmas came down the chimney.."
"..I do not know the identity of my baby's father. After all, when you eat a tin of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.."
"..That night is a blur. The only thing I remember was watching a Delia Smith programme about eggs in the evening. If I had stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party, mine might have stayed unfertilised.."
"..He gave me a phone number which turned out to be one of his mates who said he'd been killed in a cement mixer accident. He was a builder and a bit stupid so I thought yes that sounds about right.."
Skill Leverage
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What's the difference between oral sex and anal sex?
One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.
One makes your day, the other makes your hole weak.
Atilla
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The Class of 93
Check out the 5th person down on the far right hand side.
Alumni - Class of 1993 : Electra Independent School District
Check out the 5th person down on the far right hand side.
Alumni - Class of 1993 : Electra Independent School District
timsk
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One for the ladies . . .
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and
said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the
stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled,
I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our
usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast,
wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and
said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'
My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming
or this is going to be my lucky day!' Not wanting to lose the moment,
I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen
table.
Afterwards she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the
stove, her T-shirt still around her neck. Happy, but a little puzzled,
I asked, 'What was that all about?'
She explained, 'The egg timer's broken'
Atilla
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Girls in IT
Types of Girls (Computer Humour)
* CD-ROM GIRLS She is always faster and faster.
* EMAIL GIRLS Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
* HARD DISK GIRLS She remembers everything, FOREVER
* INTERNET GIRLS Difficult to access
* MULTIMEDIA GIRLS She make horrible thing look beautiful
* SCREENSAVER GIRLS she is good for nothing but at least she is fun
* RAM GIRLS She forget about you, the moment turn her off
* WINDOW GIRLS everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
* VIRUS GIRLS Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything
* SERVER GIRLS always busy when you need her.
Types of Girls (Computer Humour)
* CD-ROM GIRLS She is always faster and faster.
* EMAIL GIRLS Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.
* HARD DISK GIRLS She remembers everything, FOREVER
* INTERNET GIRLS Difficult to access
* MULTIMEDIA GIRLS She make horrible thing look beautiful
* SCREENSAVER GIRLS she is good for nothing but at least she is fun
* RAM GIRLS She forget about you, the moment turn her off
* WINDOW GIRLS everyone know that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.
* VIRUS GIRLS Also known as "wife'' when you are not expecting her, she comes, install herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if don't try you uninstall her you will lose everything
* SERVER GIRLS always busy when you need her.
zigglewigler
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YOU WANT TO BUY A GENUINE BRITISH WORLD WAR TWO GUN, EXCELLENT CONDITION, ONLY DROPPED ONCE.
