Best Thread Joke of the day
- Thread starter Airthrey Capital
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1. You see a beautiful babe at a party. You go up to
her and say: “I am very rich. “Marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing”
2. You are at a party with your friends and see a
beautiful babe. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: “He’s very rich.
“Marry him.” -That’s Advertising”
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich.
“Marry me - That’s Telemarketing”
her and say: “I am very rich. “Marry me!” - That’s Direct Marketing”
2. You are at a party with your friends and see a
beautiful babe. One of your friends goes up to her and
pointing at you says: “He’s very rich.
“Marry him.” -That’s Advertising”
3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to
her and get her telephone number. The next day, you
call and say: “Hi, I’m very rich.
“Marry me - That’s Telemarketing”
chilltrader
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Pat494
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A guy is not getting along with his wife, and is lonely, so he goes to the pet shop to find a companion. He spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, "Geez. I wonder what happened to this parrot?"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."
The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time.
"What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I GOT A HARD-ON AND FELL OFF MY PERCH!!"
"I was born this way," says the parrot. "I'm a defective parrot."
"Ha, ha," the guy laughs. "It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me."
"I understood every word, says the parrot. "I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."
"Yeah?" the guy asks. "Then how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is a little embarrassing but, well I wrap my little pecker around this wooden bar, it's like a little hook. You can't see it 'cause of my feathers."
The guy is amazed and looks at the price tag. "Two hundred dollars!" he says. "I can't afford that."
"Pssst," the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. "Nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can get me for $20. Just make an offer."
The guy offers 20 bucks and, sure enough, walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational! He's funny, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, sympathizes, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Psst," and motions him over. The guy goes up close to the cage. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not," but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What?" says the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over," reports the parrot.
"Oh No!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to look at her body, starting with her breasts and slowly going down and down." The parrot pauses for a long time.
"What happened? "What happened?" says the frantic guy.
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I GOT A HARD-ON AND FELL OFF MY PERCH!!"
Vaco
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I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b!!ch knows I'm smarter than her.
FOR EXAMPLE:
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'
Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.
The very next day I opted to take the day off work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfit s. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all
dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'
Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b!!ch knows I'm smarter than her.
blancspa
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the salary theory
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."
This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
Since:
Knowledge = Power
Time = Money
Knowledge = Work/Money.
Solving for Money, we get:
Money = Work / Knowledge.
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.
Conclusion:
The less you know, the more you make.
Pat494
Legendary member
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To continue
There is a theory that expert economists should know a lot
In fact as the years go by they tend to know more and more about less and less;
until one fine day it suddenly dawns on them that they know practicaly everything about nothing
There is a theory that expert economists should know a lot
In fact as the years go by they tend to know more and more about less and less;
until one fine day it suddenly dawns on them that they know practicaly everything about nothing
timsk
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I found this while surfing idly, or do I mean idly surfing? Anyway, this is idea 101 from '101 Ways to Make Money Online':
There was this bloke who bought an email list of one million email addresses. He sent half of them a stock tip that a certain stock was going up, the other half got the same message predicting that the stock would go down. 50% of them saw him proved right. He ignored the rest and split this 50% into two groups. Half got an email with another up prediction and the other half got the same email with a down prediction. He rinsed and repeated a few times till he was left with about 15,000 people who saw him get it right several times in a row. They were obviously very impressed. He then invited them to pay $5,000 each for a seminar with him on picking stocks!
:cheesy:
Make Money Online: 101 Top Ways of Doing It
There was this bloke who bought an email list of one million email addresses. He sent half of them a stock tip that a certain stock was going up, the other half got the same message predicting that the stock would go down. 50% of them saw him proved right. He ignored the rest and split this 50% into two groups. Half got an email with another up prediction and the other half got the same email with a down prediction. He rinsed and repeated a few times till he was left with about 15,000 people who saw him get it right several times in a row. They were obviously very impressed. He then invited them to pay $5,000 each for a seminar with him on picking stocks!
:cheesy:
Make Money Online: 101 Top Ways of Doing It
Karen Matthews' defence lawyer has been summing up in court today. It was very brief.
"Members of the jury, look at her. Could a kidnap plot as complicated as that have been hatched by such a dopey looking, thick bitch as this?"
At which point Matthews stood up and bawled; "Oi! Who's f*ucking side are you on?"
"Members of the jury, look at her. Could a kidnap plot as complicated as that have been hatched by such a dopey looking, thick bitch as this?"
At which point Matthews stood up and bawled; "Oi! Who's f*ucking side are you on?"
A guy walks into a pub one evening followed by a giraffe.
They sit down, and over a number of hours get so drunk that eventually the giraffe passes out.
As the bar is shutting, the man goes to leave
The barman yells "You can't leave that lyin' there!"
the drunk man says "Oi mate its not a lion its a giraffe!"
They sit down, and over a number of hours get so drunk that eventually the giraffe passes out.
As the bar is shutting, the man goes to leave
The barman yells "You can't leave that lyin' there!"
the drunk man says "Oi mate its not a lion its a giraffe!"
Riftvalley
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With all this piracy going on around the Horn of Africa and the Gulf of Aden, the cargo ships have a new strategy of sailing in two's. Two ships, one carrying red paint and a second carrying blue paint were sailing towards the Suez Canal when one ship was attacked by pirates. The idea then was for the second ship to come alongside the first in an attempt to crush the pirate ship.
The attempt was totally successful and the pirates were completely marooned.
The attempt was totally successful and the pirates were completely marooned.
new_trader
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A horse walks into a bar and the barman says, "Hey, why the long face?"
