Best Thread Joke of the day

[dick_dastardly]

Catholicism: if sh1t happens, I deserve it.

Protestantism: sh1t won't happen if I work harder.

Judaism: why does this sh1t always happen to me?

Buddhism: when sh1t happens, is it really sh1t?

Islam: if sh1t happens, blame the infidels.

Hinduism: this sh1t happened before.

Hare Krishna: sh1t happens Ramah Lama Ding Dong.

Rastafarianism: lets smoke this sh1t!

Atheism: if sh1t happens blame religion


dd

 

[yacarob1]

Agnosticism................... if sh1t happens, not sure who to blame

 

[trendie]

Scientology: If sh1t happens, its because you're soul is still contaminated by the ghosts of aliens who crashed to earth billions of years ago from another planet.

 

[yacarob1]

Robert Mugabe is set to be re-elected unopposed as leader of Zimbabwe.

Gordon Brown has rung him up for advice

 

[Pat494]

Business
If sh*t happens I should be able to make a buck out of it.

Sport
If sh*t happens blame the ref

 

[yacarob1]

"Where do you come from?" the Englishman asked the American.

"From the greatest country in the world," replied the American.

"Funny," said the Englishman, "you've got the strangest English accent I've ever heard."

 

[yacarob1]

How many Jehovah's Witnesses does it take to change a light bulb?

Three :- one to change the bulb and turn it on, the other two basta*rds to knock on your door and ask if you've seen the light...

 

[westernforce]

Organised crime

 

[yacarob1]

The Moon has no atmosphere.

Neither does Skegness

But we don't spend millions of pounds going there to find out why.

 

[yacarob1]

Dump the male flight attendants.

No one wanted them in the first place.

Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking strippers!

What the hell - the attendants have gotten old and haggard-looking.

They don't even serve food anymore, so what's the loss ?

The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a "party atmosphere" going in the cabin.

And, of course, every businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see naked women.

Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a salary, thus saving even more money

I suspect tips would be so good that we could charge the women for working and have them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and "special services."

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing naked women.

Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the airline industry would see record revenues.

This is definitely a win-win situation if we handle it right - a golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.

Why didn't Bush think of this?

Why do I still have to do everything myself ?

Sincerely, Bill Clinton

 

[yacarob1]

In bingo slang, if the number eleven is referred to as 'Legs Eleven' , does that mean that the number one is referred to as 'Heather Mills'?

 

[yacarob1]

I saw in the Guardian that they're planning on giving Margaret Thatcher a state funeral when she dies.

I thought, why wait till then?

 

[yacarob1]

A bloke tries to get into a nightclub.

The bouncer says, "not without a tie, mate."

The bloke goes back to his car to find a tie but can only find a set of jump-leads.

He thinks, "f**k it, I'll tie 'em round me neck and see what happens."

The man goes back to the club and says, "can I come in now?"

Looking at the jump-leads, the bouncer says, "okay, mate, but don't f**king start anything."

 

[yacarob1]

A ventriloqist performing in a working man's club was reeling off the Irish jokes.

A huge navvy stood up and said "one more f**king irish joke and I'll break your f**king neck you twat!"

The ventriloqist explained that he had not indended to offend anyone.

The navvy said "you keep the f**k out of it, I'm talking to that little b*stard on your knee!"

 

[24601]

jokes

Sadly, Dave was born without ears. And although he proved to be
successful in business, his lack of ears annoyed him greatly. One
day he needed to hire a new manager for his company, so he set up three
interviews.

The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to know and
was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Dave asked
"Do you notice anything different about me?"
"Why yes, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears" came
the reply. He did not appreciate his candor and threw him out of the office.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than
the first guy. And he asked her the same question: "Do you notice
anything different about me?" "Well," she said, stammerig, "you have no
ears." Dave again got upset and chucked her out in a rage.

The third and final interviewee was the best of the bunch, he was a
young man who had recently earned his MBA. He was smart. He was
handsome and he
seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together.

Dave was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same
question: "Do you notice anything different about me?"

Much to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes, you wear
contact lenses, don't you?" Dave was shocked and realised this was an
incredibly observant person. "How in the world did you know that?", he asked.

The young man then fell off his chair laughing hysterically and
replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*cking ears!"

:clap:

 

[24601]

A bloke tries to get into a nightclub.

The bouncer says, "not without a tie, mate."

The bloke goes back to his car to find a tie but can only find a set of jump-leads.

He thinks, "f**k it, I'll tie 'em round me neck and see what happens."

The man goes back to the club and says, "can I come in now?"

Looking at the jump-leads, the bouncer says, "okay, mate, but don't f**king start anything."

:clap:

 

[24601]

I like this thread just what you need after a long day loosing dosh, here is my offering.

A couple of suffolk hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his mobile phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“

 

[24601]

and another as the open golf has just ended.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

 

[Vaco]

Apologies to my Muslim friends !!


> The Amish Farmer and the Muslim
>
>
> An Amish farmer walking through his field notices a man drinking
> from his
> pond, with his hand.
>
> The Amish man shouts: 'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin
> gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have
> **** in it.')
>
> The man shouts back: 'I'm a Muslim, I don't understand your
> gibberish.
> Speak English, infidel!'
>
> The Amish man says: 'Use two hands, you'll get more!!'

 

[Pat494]

An Irishman goes into the railway station and asks the ticket clerk for a return ticket.
"Where to says the clerk " ?
" Well back here of course" !!