Best Thread Joke of the day

[0007]

Seeing as we're into airline tales

It's been a long, hard sweaty flight to an equally hot destination but at last the plane is taxi-ing in to the arrival ramp. Co-pilot does the usual passenger blurb - "hope you had a pleasant flight.... blah blah..." He then turns to the Captain alongside him and says "What i need now is a cold beer and a hot woman." Unfortunately, he'd omitted to switch off his connection to the PA system. Immediately, one of the stewardesses rushes forward towards the flight deck to warn the pilots of their gaffe. As she reaches the pilots' door a little old lady gets up and shouts out "don't forget his beer!"

 

[forex999]

)A Japanese guy is at Los Angeles International Airport,

waiting for his flight back home to Japan. While he's

waiting, he goes to the currency exchange counter to change

his remaining dollars.

He counts his money at the counter. "Wait a minute," he says

to the clerk, "When I came here I got more dollars for my

yen. What's going on here?"

"Fluctuations." says the clerk.

The Japanese man stiffens. "Well! Fluck you Americans, too!"

 

[forex999]

A forex guru walks into a pizzeria to order a pizza. There the waiter asks him: "Should I cut it into six pieces or eight pieces?"

The guru replies: "I'm feeling rather hungry right now. You'd better cut it into eight pieces."

ha ha ha
i wonder which guru was this?

 

[yacarob1]

YouTube - John Cleese - How to Irritate People - Airplane Sketch

 

[nkruger]

This short video is NOT for the squeamish !!

(and the sound effects are good, have your volume turned up)

 

[nkruger]

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the
plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black
Labrador retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why
the dog was allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he was
a FBI agent and that the dog was a 'sniffing dog'. "His name is
Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get
airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the agent said,
"Watch this."
He told Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumped down, walked along
the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for
several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw
on the agent's arm. The agent said, "Good boy", and he turned to
the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana,
so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities
will apprehend her when we land.
"Say, that's pretty neat," replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab
sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to
its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm. The
agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note
of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up
and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and
then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and
proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behaviour and
couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like
that, so he asked the agent "What's going on?"


The agent nervously replied:


"He just found a bomb."

 

[nkruger]

Can I post this ?

It's all done in the best possible taste.......

 

[nkruger]

Old books updated for the modern world....

 

[yacarob1]

Apparently about 5/3rds of people are sh1t at fractions.

 

[nkruger]

THE STORY OF LIFE

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.









When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a
passionate girl with a zest for life.






In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was
an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.






When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable
and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I
needed a girl with some excitement.






When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed
from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous
things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and
very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real
ambition.








When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the
ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took
everything I owned.








I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl


with big tits. :clap:





.

 

[nkruger]

MEN:

Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be King.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another public loo because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress £ 1000. Morning suit rental £150.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is £10 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
You have something to play with in your pocket all the time.
Your tummy usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a penknife.
You know how wide your car is.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache....
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24th in 25 minutes.


No wonder men are happier.

 

[nkruger]

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT

Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway--but your waiter may know!


YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH


1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat (more than once but less than 10).

2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold).

3 Add 5.

4. Multiply it by 50.

5. If you have already had your birthday this year, add 1758, but
if you haven't, add 1757.

6. Now subtract the four digit year in which you were born.

You should have a three digit number. The first digit of this was your original number. (I.e., how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)

The next two numbers are YOUR AGE !

 

[nkruger]

WOMAN'S DICTIONARY
1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man.
That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint, just say, "you're welcome".

8 . Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something
that a woman has asked a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

 

[Kinger]

The old husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely abble to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

 

[nkruger]

Trevor the farmer


Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job
was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that
didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful
lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he
was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell
hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell
in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one.


Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result: The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but
they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.



Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

 

[Pat494]

You certainly got some really funny jokes NKruger. If you only make up half of them you must be some sort of genius !!
:clap::clap:

 

[0007]

Trevor the farmer


Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred
young layers (hens), called 'pullets' and eight or ten roosters, whose job
was to fertilise the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that
didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful
lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his
roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a
distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and
fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.


The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he
was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell
hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming,
would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell
in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and
walk on to the next one.


Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair
and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges.


The result: The judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but
they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.


Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician
could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our
planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them
when they weren't paying attention.



Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon?

That deserves wider publicity than just T2W !

 

[nkruger]

Thanks 0007 ~ have got my MP's email address at home, I should forward it on......

 

[nkruger]

You certainly got some really funny jokes NKruger. If you only make up half of them you must be some sort of genius !!
:clap::clap:

Thanks Pat ~ I get so bored waiting for trade triggers that I have to do something to amuse myself

 

[Pat494]

The boss asked the project leader for a letter describing Bob Smith and received the following:-
1. Bob Smith, my assistant programmer, can always be found
2. Hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
3. Wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
4. Thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
5. Finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
6. Measures to complete his work , sometimes skipping coffee
7. Breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
8. Vanity in spite of high accomplishments and profound
9. Knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
10. Classed as a high-calibre employee, the type which cannot be
11. Dispensed with. Consequently I duly recommend that Bob be
12. Promoted to executive management and a proposal will be
13. Executed as soon as possible

Leader

The boss received a memo from the project leader soon after the letter.
Since you promoted Bob and also gave him a pay-rise, perhaps you should really know the truth
by reading only the odd numbered lines ( 1,3,5, etc ) and give me the promotion instead !