Best Thread Joke of the day

[kriesau]

Blondie!

A few days ago, I was having some work done at my local garage.

A blonde came in and asked for a seven hundred and ten.

We all looked at each other and another customer asked, "What is a seven hundred and ten?"

She replied, "You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine; I have lost it and need a new one."

She said that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there.

The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like.

She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710.

He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked, "Is there a 710 on this car?"

She pointed and said, "Of course, it’s right there."

If you're not sure what a 710 is click here:

http://www.hotautoweb.com/cogifs/710.jpg

 

[kriesau]

Only for REAL men !

Australian brand toilet paper

 

[kriesau]

YouTube - X-Rated Ruby - The Swearing Parrot

 

[kriesau]

A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

As he enters, he asks St. Peter,

'I have a question that has haunted me for all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?'

St. Peter said, 'That's really a question that only God can answer.' So the zebra went off in search of God.

When he found Him, the Zebra asked,

'Please - I really must know. Am I white with black stripes or am I black with white stripes?'

God simply replied 'You are what you are.'

The Zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, 'Well, did God straighten out your query for you?'

The Zebra looked puzzled. 'No, he just said 'You are what you are.''

St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, 'Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.'

The Zebra asked St. Peter, 'How can you know that for certain?'

'Because,' said St. Peter, 'If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, 'You is what you is.'

 

[kriesau]

Date Rape Drug

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.
Many females use a date rape drug on the market called 'Beer.'

The drug is found in liquid form and is available anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large 'kegs'.

Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and sleep with them.
A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings attached sex.

Men are rendered helpless against this approach. After several beers, men will often succumb to the temptation to sleep with horrific looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that 'something bad' occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as 'a relationship.'
In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as 'marriage.' Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know. If you fall victim to this 'Beer' scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.
For the support group nearest you, just look up 'Golf Club' in the phone book.

 

[kriesau]

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy


MARRIAGE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

 

[kriesau]

She went to Spec Savers

The wife was feeling a bit down in the dumps and she complained to me

"I'm so depressed, getting on in years with me boobs gone droopy, big double chins, bags under me eyes, cellulite hanging off me big bum. My body is losing it fast

Isn't there anything you can say to me just to show me that my body is not all bad news?"

"Well dear" says I "there's certainly nothing wrong with your eyesight is there!"

 

[0007]

Support or resistance?

 

[yacarob1]

It's not true that married men live longer than single men.

It only seems longer.

 

[kriesau]

A man suffering from terrible wind goes to see the Doctor
"Can you do anything about it" he asked "it's ruining my life"

The Doctor starts to examine the patient and after a moment tells him to wait while he leaves the room for a few minutes.
After a couple of minutes the Doctor returns with a long metal pole with twin prongs at one end.

"Oh my God" says the patient "you're not going to stick THAT up my ass are you"
"No" replied the Doctor "I just need to open the window"

 

[yacarob1]

I just picked up my new Newcastle shirt I ordered.

It's got "KING KEEGAN" on the back.

I'm taking it back later to have the F U and C added.

 

[Pat494]

There was this guy in a bar having a drink when in comes a big fella and sits down next to him. He’s just lookin around when whammo the big man knocks him off his stool onto the floor.
“That was a karate punch he says.
The little guy gets up and is just about to ask him what he thinks he’s doing when the big man kicks him in the groin.
“That was a jiu-jitsu kick”, he says.
The little guy ducks out the door and is gone. Half an hour later he is back, creeps up behind the big guy and hits him over the head..
He turns to the barman and says “ when that sucker wakes up tell him that was a shovel from B&Q “!!

 

[darktone]

Two women were playing golf.
One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men.
He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked,'How does that feel'?
He replied: 'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!'.

 

[keano]

Why men don’t write advice columns

_ Dear Walter: I hope you can help me here. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't gone more than a mile down the road when my engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour lady. I am 32, my husband is 34, and we have been married for twelve years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago, and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore. Can you please help?Sincerely, Jane

/Dear Jane: A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the carburettor float chamber.// I hope this helps.-Walter/

 

[yacarob1]

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland "

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I. And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I. So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"

"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

 

[chump]

c/o a Bear Sterns employee

SING TO THE TUNE OF 'BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY' BY QUEEN




Is this the real price?
Is this just fantasy?
Financial landslide
No escape from reality

Open your eyes
And look at your buys and see.
I'm now a poor boy (poor boy)
High-yielding casualty
Because I bought it high, watched it blow
Rating high, value low
Any way the Fed goes
Doesn't really matter to me, to me

Mama - just killed my fund
Quoted CDO's instead
Pulled the trigger, now it's dead
Mama - I had just begun
These CDO's have blown it all away
Mama - oooh-hoo-ooo
I still wanna buy
I sometimes wish I'd never left Goldman at all.

(guitar solo)

~~~


I see a little silhouette of a Fed
Bernanke! Bernanke! Can you save the whole market?
Monolines and munis - very very frightening me!
Super senior, super senior
Super senior CDO - magnifico

I'm long of subprime, nobody loves me
He's long of subprime CDO fantasy
Spare the margin call you monstrous PB!
Easy come easy go, will you let me go?
Peloton! No - we will not let you go - let him go
Peloton! We will not let you go
(let him go !)
Peloton! We will not let you go - let me go
Will not let you go
let me go (never) Never let you go - let me go Never let me go – ooo
No, no, no, no, No, NO, NO ! -
Oh mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let me go
S&P had the devil put aside
for me
For me, for me, for me

~~~

So you think you can fund me and spit in my eye?
And then margin call me and leave me to die Oh PB - can't do this to me
Just gotta get out - just gotta get right outta here

Ooh yeah, ooh yeah
No price really matters
No liquidity
Nothing really matters - no price really matters to me
Any way the Fed goes.....

 

[LION63]

A Scouser walks into the local Job Centre, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... you know, I just HATE drawing benefits. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting Salary is £200,000 a year."

The Scouser, wide-eyed, says, "You're bull****tin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

 

[yacarob1]

Irish guy goes on Mastermind:

"Your chosen subject?" Magnus Magnusson asked.

"Easter Rising of 1916, sir," replied Pat.


"Time starts now ... How long did the Easter Rising last?"

"Pass."

"Who led the Easter Rising of 1916?"

"Pass."

"How many men were involved in the Easter Rising of 1916?"

"Pass."

Suddenly an Irish voice boomed from the studio audience:

"That's right, Pat - don't tell the bas*tards anything!"

 

[yacarob1]

Did you know that an anagram of "Mother-In law" is "Woman Hitler." ?

 

[ian]

Client No: 9

YouTube - Eliot Spitzer as Client Number Nine