Best Thread Joke of the day

[timsk]

[B]Why I fired my Secretary. [/B]

Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
Well, that's marriage for you,
but the kids...
They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door
and said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go !'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, 'You know,
It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?'

I responded,
'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment,
it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,
' Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...
Followed
by my wife,
my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers,
all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there...



On the couch...



Naked.

 

[0007]

How To Handle Every Stressful Situation

As We Enter A New Year . . .

Thought for the day, for the week, and for all of 2008!

Handle every stressful situation like a dog:
If you can't eat it or hump it, p*** on it and walk away.

 

[westernforce]

A Tamworth farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang. The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic dog or senile lady. He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialled the subscribers house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog moaned and the telephone began to ring.
Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel chain and collar.
2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.
3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signalling current when the number was called.
4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.
5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by pissing and moaning. So, carry on as usual!!

 

[Atilla]

Women

Women - As Explained by Science Engineers

 

[Atilla]

Yeah baby turn me on...

:cheesy::cheesy::cheesy:

 

[Atilla]

Jimmehhh

:cheesy:

 

[yacarob1]

Taffy, Jock and Paddy are having a chat.

Taffy says "My wife's gone and bought a car, and she can't even drive!"

Jock says "My wife's gone on a diet, and she's not even fat!"

Paddy says "That's nothing, my wife's taken 5 boxes of condoms to Benidorm, and she hasn't even got a dick!"

 

[Atilla]

Mission accomplished! :whistling

 

[yacarob1]

The best joke from the weekend ??

The England rugby team.

F*****g hilarious to watch!!

 

[THE WOLF2222]

This morning a chicken phoned me up and tried to sell me some over-priced stock.

I reckon it was a 'broiler room' scam! :clap:

 

[yacarob1]

BrUnO BoZzEttO - Neuro

 

[yacarob1]

What is worse then a bull in a china shop ?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A hedgehog in a condom factory

 

[LION63]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while
they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph s uddenly jumped
into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled
him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the
news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is
you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a
crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have
concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is
Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after
you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon
can I go home?'

 

[jonnyy40]

A Man goes into a Lion and says 'AAAARRGGHH'!

(Usually more effective with children.Note* Crocodile can also be substituted)

 

[0007]

Final tax demand

Dear Sir,

Your letter arrived this morning in an open envelope and it would have given the son and myself much pleasure had it not revived in us a melancholy reflection of what had gone before. You say you thought the account should have been settled long ago and you could not understand why it hadn't; well here are the reasons.

In 1994 I bought a sawmill on credit. In 1995 I bought a team of horses, two ponies, a timber wagon, a double barrel shotgun and two razorback pigs, all on credit. In 1996 the bloody mill was burnt to the ground leaving not a damn thing; one of my ponies died and I loaned the other to a stupid ******* who starved the poor buggar to death. Then I joined the Church.

In 1997 my father died and my brother was jailed for rape. A tramp seduced my daughter and I had to pay the ******* $1000 to stop him becoming a relative. In 1998 one of my boys got the mumps. It spread to his balls and he had to be castrated to save his life. Later that year while out fishing, the boat overturned drowning two of my boys - neither being the one who was castrated.

In 1999 my wife ran away with a sheep shearer and left me with twins as a souvenir.
I then had to have a housekeeper whom I married to keep down expenses. I had a hell of a job to make her pregnant, so I went to the doctor and he advised me to create some excitement at the crucial moment. That night I took my shotgun to bed with me and at the time I thought was right I fired the gun through the window. The wife **** the bed, I ruptured myself and the next morning I found I had shot the best cow I ever had.
In 2000 someone cut the nuts off my bull. I was buggered and took to drink and I didn't stop until all I had left was a pocket watch and a weak bladder. Winding the watch and running for a **** kept me busy for a while.

After a time I took heart again and bought on credit a manure spreader, a reaper and binder and another cow. Then came the floods and washed the bloody lot away.
In 2001 my wife got Aids from a travelling salesman and one of my sons died from wiping his **** on an infected rabbit skin.

It surprises me very much that you say you will cause me trouble if I don't pay up. If you can think of anything I've missed out on I should like to know about it.

Trying to get money out of me is like trying to poke butter up a porcupines **** with a red hot needle, so I wish you luck in your efforts. I'm praying for a shower of possum **** to come your way and I hope the centre of it is over the bunch of *******s in your office who sent me this final demand.

Yours sincerely
Bruce Foster

 

[trendie]

Reservoir Dogs in 30 secs:
Reservoir Dogs in 30 seconds with bunnies.

Die Hard in 30 secs:
Die Hard in 30 seconds with bunnies.

and the rest....
Angry Alien Productions: 30-Second Bunnies Theatre and other cartoons.

 

[jonnyy40]

When self-harmers meet,do they have a shindig?

 

[yacarob1]

I was in my car, and as I was driving along, my boss rang up and he
said 'You've been promoted.'

I swerved.

And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted
again.'

I swerved again.

He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.'

And I went into a tree.

A policeman came up and said, " What happened to you?"

And I said 'I careered off the road.'

 

[trendie]

When self-harmers meet,do they have a shindig?

when reflexologists have a get-together, do they call it a knees-up?

 

[yacarob1]

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.

He replied, "Wife name, she name Three Horse."

"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"

"Is old Indian name. It mean nag, nag, nag"