Best Thread Joke of the day

HILARIOUS!

This got the whole of Sydney laughing. Read it and you'll see why! Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called 'Mate Match'. The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone. If the contestant answers'yes',he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner with (phone number) for verification. If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the Harbour City drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the fu**iest thing you've heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:


DJ: 'Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?'


Contestant: (laughing) 'Yes, I have.'


DJ: 'Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win.
What is your name? First only please.'

Contestant: 'Brian.'


DJ: 'Brian, are you married or what?'


Brian: (laughing nervously) 'Yes, I am married.'


DJ: 'Thank you. Now, what is your wife's name? First only please.'


Brian: 'Sara.'


DJ: 'Is Sara at work, Brian?'


Brian: 'She is gonna kill me.'


DJ: 'Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Yes, she's at work.'


DJ: 'Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?'


Brian: 'About 8 o'clock this morning.'


DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'


Brian: (laughing sheepishly) 'Well...'


DJ: 'Question #2 - How long did it last?'


Brian: 'About 10 minutes.'


DJ: 'Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake.'

Brian: 'Yeah, that trip sure would be nice.'


DJ: 'Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?


Brian: (laughing hard) 'I, ummm, I, well...'


DJ: 'This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?'


Brian: 'Not that it was all that great, but her mum is staying with us for couple of weeks...'


DJ: 'Uh huh...'


Brian: '...and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time.'

DJ: 'Atta boy, Brian.'

Brian: 'On the kitchen table.'


DJ: 'Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it.
Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up.


You listen to this.'
[3 minutes of commercials follow. ]


DJ: 'Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?' (Touch tones.....ringing....)


Clerk: 'Kinkos.'

DJ: 'Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?'

Clerk: 'This is she.'


DJ: 'Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now.'

Sarah: (laughing) 'A couple of hours?'

DJ: 'Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any\answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?'

Sarah: 'No.'

DJ: 'Good!'


Brian: (laughing)


Sarah: (laughing) 'Brian, what the hell are you up to?'


Brian: (laughing) 'Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest.'


DJ: 'Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions, Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'

DJ: 'Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?'

Sarah: 'Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work.'


DJ: 'What time?'

Sarah: 'Around 8 this morning.'

DJ: 'Very good. Next question. How long did it last?'


Sarah: '12, 15 minutes maybe.'

DJ: 'Hmmmm. That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect is manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?'


Sarah: (laughing) 'Yes.'


DJ: 'Where did you have it?'


Sarah: 'OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that did you?'


Brian: 'Just tell him, honey.'


DJ: 'What is bothering you so much, Sarah?'


Sarah: 'Well...'


DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?


Sarah: 'Up the a*rse'

They had to call an ambulance for the DJ he thought he was going to have a heart attack, he could not stop laughing. Apparently there was an unusually high call out of the Sydney Police just after this conversation, for minor traffic collisions.
 
Job Interview

A chap goes to the Council for a job.

The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"

Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."
 
WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

Keep reading-they get better!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WOMEN'S REVENGE
"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.
"No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles.
The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, " Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?
He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store
to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco
and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.
So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.
(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"
"Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, "I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
"The wife responded, "Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, "You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."
Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."
Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says ."HEBREWS"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him,
when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece
 
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Sanity check...

Hi there, just checked link above doesn't work. Click on it and then select

MiCom.net/oops

Then go to Mental Health Check.mp3 on the list of jollies...


Enjoy... :LOL: :cheesy: :LOL: :D
 
Getting old but not past it

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper. It's worse when you forget to pull it down.
Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.

( Yannis )
 
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2 traders at the Christmas party of Goldbum and Sucks

I really love money I’d do anything for some of it

Oh really

Oh yes I’ve asked for it
I’ve begged for it
I’ve cheated for it

Have you thought of working for it ?

Well not yet I’m just going through the alphabet and haven’t got to W yet.
 
The 1st Affair

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.

One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes

outside and rub them in the grass and dirt

He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my
secretary.

We had sex all afternoon."

She looked down at his shoes and said:

"You lying *******! You've been playing golf!"



The 2nd Affair

A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.

Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!

Have you been fooling around behind my back?"

The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"





The 3rd Affair

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about
to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!

"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,

"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.

It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.

I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his wife, opening
his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"



The 4th Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front
door.

"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby
oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I
tell you," she said, " pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and I
liked it so I got one for us, too."

No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the statue,
have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a
damned thing."





The 5th Affair

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.

"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent." "One
Cent?" the man exclaimed.

He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy steak and a
bottle of wine?"

"A nickel," the barman replied.

"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns this
place?"

The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."

The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"

The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his
business down here."



The 6th Affair

Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.

He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must confess."

"There's no need to, " his wife replied

"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.

I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your
mother!"

"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison
work."
 
just finishing off some peripheral shopping.

bought a "Cofresh Crunchy Handmade Peanut Bar", with ingredients "Peanuts: 67%", and lo and behold, it says "This product may contain traces of peanuts".

its madness gone politically correct.
 
trendie said:
just finishing off some peripheral shopping.

bought a "Cofresh Crunchy Handmade Peanut Bar", with ingredients "Peanuts: 67%", and lo and behold, it says "This product may contain traces of peanuts".

its madness gone politically correct.
Click to expand...

I think that means economies of scale... Cheaper to standardise and mass produce... :D

How many languages dit it show for the ingredients?
 
An elderly man is on his deathbed.

Although he can feel the end is near, his senses are
suddenly aroused by a wonderful aroma.

He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite cakes.

He findsthe strength to drag his tired body to the kitchen and as his
frail hand reaches up to the table, he suddenly feels the whack
of a wooden spoon, as his wife barks,"F**k off, they're for the
funeral."
 
Pat494 said:
2 traders at the Christmas party of Goldbum and Sucks

I really love money I’d do anything for some of it

Oh really

Oh yes I’ve asked for it
I’ve begged for it
I’ve cheated for it

Have you thought of working for it ?

Well not yet I’m just going through the alphabet and haven’t got to W yet.
Click to expand...

I love this one :clap::clap::clap:
 
yacarob1 said:
Job Interview

A chap goes to the Council for a job.

The interviewer asks him - "Have you been in the armed services?"

Yes" he says "I was in the Falklands for three years."

The interviewer says "That will give you extra points toward employment" and then asks "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says "Yes 100%... a land mine blew my testicles off."

The interviewer tells the guy "OK.I can hire you right now. The hours are from 8:00 AM . to 4:00 PM . You can start tomorrow. Come in at 10:00AM ."

The guy is puzzled and says "If the hours are from 8:00AM to 4:00 PM why do you want me to come in at 10:00 AM? "

"This is a council job" the interviewer replies. "For the first two hours we sit around scratching our balls...no point in you coming in for that........."
Click to expand...

Honesty (y)
 
Went into a record shop and asked, "Do you have anything by the Doors"?

The assistant said, "Yes, a fire extinguisher and a bucket of sand".


:clap::LOL:
 
2 Irishmen in a dark cave.

'I can't see anything' says Paddy, 'Do you have a match?'

Murphy gives him a match and he strikes it against the wall of the cave and nothing happens.

He strikes it again, still nothing.

He then says 'Murphy, this match doesn't work.'

'That's funny' says Murphy, 'It worked OK this morning.
 
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yacarob1 said:
Jesus, that's one hell of a joke man.

Where do you get em from ?
Click to expand...

That was not an attempt at a joke. Simply stating that I have not heard the term "record" in a while.


However, what is the difference between a canary?
One leg is blue than the other one is brown as well.
 
That was not an attempt at a joke. Simply stating that I have not heard the term "record" in a while.
Click to expand...

You are obviously incapable of recognising sarcasm when it hits you in the face smack on.

That was not a joke either.

:clap:(y)
 
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